lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Life – Biopsy

In Uncategorized on March 9, 2017 at 1:27 am

Recently I had a biopsy. It was one of the more painful experiences I have had, and one I don’t wish on anyone. It was probably worse than the waiting for results, but the waiting certainly sucked.

I was convinced they would find something, thank god they didn’t, because my body has been an asshole. While I am super happy they didnt find anything, it still didn’t provide any resolution to help fix what’s seemingly wrong, so that part sucks.

During the waiting period I went through some self reflection as scenarios played out in my head. What if I was sick, who would take care of my kids? What about all the things on my life list that I haven’t done yet? Why did I wait so long to start marking things off, and what if they never came to pass? Am I happy, truly happy, where my life is now? I couldn’t give myself any answers either in the heightened moments of anxiety, other than through it all I was experiencing something I hadn’t really had before, and that was the support from someone I love.

In my life I have been through some pretty big situations, as we all have. I dont really know how many people tried to be there for me, as I had pushed people away in my need to cope and survive. I somehow believed love would only bring a level of vulnerability that would only weaken me when I needed to focus on being strong. That might sound backwards, but any attempts up to this point had only proven to be one big disaster after another. Letting go of people and relationships in the face of a storm was my nautral shedding of anything I didn’t deem as essential to survive whatever it was I was going through. In my mind it was the right thing to do,  not too much unlike people who are facing hypothermia and start shedding their clothing. When I read those stories I alwys think to myself “what the heck were they thinking?” but when you are in that place at the moment you truly feel like you are doing what you need to survive, no matter how backwards it is.

Years ago when I was reading Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller) I had read something that resonated with me in a very powerful way. Donald writes:

“I’ve had about fifty people tell me that I fear intimacy. And it is true. I fear what people will think of me, and that is the reason I don’t date very often. People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn’t like me. That is the number one thing that scares me about having a wife because she would have to know me pretty well in order to marry me and I think if she got to know me pretty well she wouldn’t like me anymore.”

Well if that isn’t my truth I don’t know what is. Things are far easier to maintain as long as things stay on a superfical level. There is no fear of getting hurt, being abandoned, having to nourish love when things get tough in other spaces of my life, or even having to think how my reactions might affect another. In all honesty, I become selfish to survive and knowing this has always kept me from even considering to be open to sharing life, really sharing life with someone else. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever truly been in love before now because of this. I have never truly been in a place to share life with another person up close and openly. I used to think this was the ideal way to live. My years invested in long distance, and shallow part time relationships is my testament to this truth.

While that is no longer my truth,  oftentimes I need to rewrite what I believe to be true, and it has been one of the most raw, true and beautiful chapters I have ever lived.

While I feel I was somehow given more time to finish writing the book of my life, I still feel like there are some chapters I need to start working on. The urgency I feel to start living and stop dreaming has felt a bit big at times, and I am not sure exactly if I need to really dive head in, or stop for a moment and remind myself that even if I never see a firefly that my life is pretty awesome right now as it is. I’m working that balance out, because I don’t want to give up on my dreams just yet. Instead I want to share them with him and be a part of his as well. I’ve never wanted that before, and perhaps that is the best part of it all.

 

My Big Fat Life – Prom Queen 

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2017 at 2:57 pm

Today sucks. I’ve spent a majority of my day in bed, nursing an emotional hangover of an all night marathon of crying about everything under the sun. OK mostly my life, but if I were to think about more, I’d have cried about the upcoming inauguration as well. 

Sometimes I wonder why people even have dreams about things they’d like to do or experience. I personally can’t help myself. I’m a romantic, passionate when it comes to love, and things I long to know. I don’t seem to lack any imagination or ability to desire things, I just suck at the execution, and it’s my deepest fear I will die never knowing what it’s like to have touched a lot of things I’ve always wanted. Those dreams that have carried me through some of the worst moments in my life, knowing that there are still fireflies to see and a love that doesn’t hurt, to find. 

I’ve lost my faith in a lot the past 6 years, God being one of them. I guess what I mean to say is my understanding of what my faith was in has changed. Hope has turned to cautious hope, and quietly I’m letting my dreams go. I wonder if they were even worth having; if it would be wise of me to stop wishing or hoping that I could experience or even have what other women seem to have happen so naturally. There’s days like today when the knowledge in such a shitty world that fireflies exist, used to carry me through, but the longer I go without having ever seen one, the more I wonder if I’ve been a fool the entire time, just wasting time on silly wishes. 

I really don’t want the world to hurt as much as it does today, but it does and even if I still had that fierce hope and belief that good things are coming, I’m not sure daydreams of fireflies could even pull me through. 

Today sucks.