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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

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My Big Fat Life – Arthur the Dawg

In Uncategorized on September 3, 2018 at 12:10 pm

This past week I got some pretty crappy news about my dog, Arthur. Someone was generous enough to make a GoFundMe to help raise the money we need, so I thought I would share it here. He’s only 5, and has been a pretty big part of my family. He’s been with me through so much, and made this journey a bit easier for us all. If you could please share it, I would really appreciate all the help. We’re VERY close to raising enough to schedule his surgery, like only 182.00 is left needed.

Typically I wouldn’t ask this, but I feel a mix between desperate and encouraged that this is SO close, so here is the link:    https://www.gofundme.com/fxkn2t-arthur

Ignore the boxes.. this was shortly after our recent move. I wish I could say they are all unpacked, but ya know, life.. pizza.. Netflix binges.. This is Arthur with his bear, which he packs around everywhere with him. It’s not only adorable, it makes me wish I had a bear to pack around with me everywhere too, without the social stigma of being the adult woman who packs a bear around with her everywhere.

 

Arthur & his bear.jpg

 

My Big Fat Life – Melanie Griffith Smacks Down Some Truth

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2018 at 9:26 pm

 

So, I moved. I hate moving. Well, I hated it this time. I had way too much crap I had allowed myself to accumulate, as I strayed from minimalist life. I used to have a rule that if I hadn’t used it in a year, I would get rid of it. Not so much one I seemed to live by in the past few years. I had enough crap I unloaded that was easily a truck load, that I rid myself of.

It was a stark reminder in a lot of ways how comfortable I had become in my place, even though I despised it many others. It was old, and cold, and needed a lot of work. The charm of the original hard wood floors wore off with the endless splinters and dust that collected in the corners. The charm of the original windows that were thirsty to be weatherized, wore off when I got the electric bill. Still… I had a lot of hopes I had accumulated and made room for, and some ghosts of promises made that were taking up too much space. Both ended up haunting me and it made my healing process take longer than I had hoped. I came to dread the walls and the fact they were the last thing I would see at night and the first thing I would see in the morning.

Moving made all the difference. I am probably around 95% better, with the 5% being anger with myself for ever allowing him to gaslight me the way he did, even though it was more apparent than the toes on my feet. Sometimes I come across an old photo of us together and all I feel is pissed off with myself. Which is good, because it has taught me so much about the red flags, walking away sooner, and being better to myself by sticking to my promises made to myself. I can’t imagine it will always be easy, but I feel so much stronger than I did even a year ago.

I tried to date way too soon, and once I realized I wasn’t ready, things got all messed up emotionally for me. Thankfully he and I are still friends, and I would even go as far to say he is my best friend, so that is a good thing. It pissed me off once I realized I wasn’t ready to date though. I feel like he has already had enough of my time, but I truly loved him and believed everything he told me. Those words were etched on my heart, and it takes time to let that stuff fall off. It did make me super cautious and not so easy to trust again, which is always a good thing in retrospect, but I just don’t want to bleed all over the people who didn’t cut me, ya know?

Today I was reading an interview with Melanie Griffith which she says something that resonated with me: (about marriage..)

“I really don’t think it’s relevant for anyone anymore. But especially if you’re 60 and you have four kids and you’re living the life you’ve always wanted. Then why get married? It’s, like, I would love to fall in love and have a romance, a relationship, but I haven’t. I keep looking. I’ve had a couple of lovers but not a relationship.”

I used to think I MIGHT give marriage another chance, but I think I have grown to the notion that two people can have a committed relationship without a legally binding contract. I mean, a piece of paper isn’t going to either make or break a relationship, right? If that were so, I am pretty sure divorce would be obsolete and all relationships prior to marriage would be seen as something far more casual. I still would like to wear a ring someday, and have that outward action that says I am committed to another, but sometimes I think even that is out of reach. I am not sure what I should expect or really want at my age, but it seems like a romantic commitment thing to do and I like sentimental romantic gestures.

In the meantime I am learning a lot about myself, and just enjoying the time I have. I love my kids, my precious littlest bug granddaughter, and my new place. I love the view when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. I can see the stars from my bed, and see the sunset from the window every night.  It’s small, but it’s perfect for now, and it’s so nice to wake up to the possibility of new memories to make. I like that.