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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

Ode 2 Progesterone

In Uncategorized on August 3, 2016 at 9:52 am

Some days I feel full. Some days I am so thirsty I can’t even begin to remember what it tastes like.

Some days I feel like an adventurer, and others I feel like a sloth merely the keeper of the couch.

Some days I feel I’ve lived a weird, but interesting story.Others, I feel like the most boring human on the planet and all of my stories should include dragons and victory.

Some days, I feel blanketed and others I feel cold

Some days I feel like my world teeters on the value I provide, and sinks when all there is, is me.

Some days I just need to be reminded that I matter, and some days I couldn’t give a shit whether I matter at all.

Some days I want love to be loud with confetti and a band, and others I just want Netflix and literally just to chill.

Some days I want a kiss on the forehead, to be told I’m beautiful. Others, I already feel it.
Mostly, I want to be safe in all that word encompasses.

Most of all, I want off this damn medication that makes my heart sad.

 

 

My Beautiful Friend – Deborah Heyer

In Uncategorized on July 12, 2016 at 11:45 am

My heart is just so sad this morning, and so I come out of my hiatus to write.

Around 2am this morning I learned that my friend Deborah Heyer had passed away.The world feels darker today.

.I met Deborah when she reached out to me on Facebook in January of 2013. At first we just talked about the misfortunes of dating and shared struggles we both encountered with meeting someone special in this crazy world, but It wasn’t before we exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone. Instantly I was taken by her energy and charisma, her love for life, and her dreams she set out to accomplish.s won’t even pretend I have the skills to describe how awesome she was, but I can tell you that She loved her children, she loved her life, and her infectious smile could make you believe that life truly was amazing and perhaps I just wasn’t looking at it right when I felt super shitty about something.

Her life seemed to be falling into place for her before she got sick, which is why it’s hard for me to talk about the cancer.  I feel if I give it attention I am somehow giving a scene stealer the attention it wants, but never deserves. I hate it. I hate that it made my friend sick, and I hate that it wrote the ending to her story her on earth. It just doesn’t seem fair. Before anyone can even tell me how unfair it is,  I know, but damnitt wouldn’t it be nice when we finally find happiness in our lives and things seem to be going wonderful if we get a respite from the shit and enjoy a grace period so that we could enjoy the happy for an extended amount of time? Just a season of joy to enjoy basking in the sun of what’s making us so happy?

That would be amazing.

But it’s not reality. Reality is life is super hard sometimes, and my precious friend and her smile will be missed.

I know it’s not the end of Deborah in sense of completion, because her story and love ripples through the people she touched. As a mom and a nurse, and a friend she has left a legacy that will always have touched lives. That’s a scene cancer can’t steal and one that will live in someway, forever.

God speed, my friend. Wherever you are resting right now, it will always be blanketed in love.

With love,

Lia

Deborah