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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Life – How the Hell Did I Get Here?

In Uncategorized on April 13, 2017 at 11:57 am

Two days ago I woke  of those migraines that I can only describe as one that if Shakespere were to have written about a migraine, surely it would have ended in a tragic, poetic Elizabethean death. I slept all day, and all night, until it finally broke 6am the following morning, which was yesterday.

Yesterday I had a meeting at my attorneys office. You might be wondering why I would need to sit in the office of an aottorney since my divorce is now 6 something yeas out, but this was the attorney that has been a more than just a an attorney to me. She has been a good friend through some of my darkest of times in the last 10 years. 10 years ago this year,  someone commintted a crime against my family. I don’t want to talk about the details, because it is still something I have a difficult time discussing on a public forum. , It was something pretty shitty to have happen, and the horrible human was sentenced to nearly 13 years for the shitty choices. One might believe that when the offender goes to prison that the people left in the path of their fury can finally heal and move on, but that isn’t always the case, at least not in mine. I’ve had to endure moving numerous times to avoid the stalking from the people who believe in their innocence, sit at the department of corrections to identify my family in photos that were receovered from their cell when it came to light that someone had taken recent photos of my children and sent them to this horrible human. I’ve had to constantly advocate for rights of victims in our state, and deal with private investigators who were hired to find us. Not long ago, the sister of this horrible human posed as a teenage boy to try and friend one of my chilren on Facebook, claiming to be a heart patient, as he is, and sent him a phone number to text because “my grandmother only let;s me text, not talk”. When my son told me of this conversation, I was skpetical and posed as my son for an hour of the conversation. I asked questions that I knew I could fact check, and sure enough nothing this person said could be found to be truth. This person even went as far to tell me “his” birthdate was a mix of my own children’s birthdates. I knew whoever it was, wanted my son to text from his phone number so they could trace it. A quick trace of the phone number that was given,  was traced back to this horrible humans sister, and once again I had to contact police to go have a talk with her and remind her that she shouldn’t be aiding this human to locate us. Needless to say, it hasn’t always been a smooth 10 years, and while I would like nothing more than for all of this to be behind us, I have to constantly be on my guard. It’s not easy to trust others, always wodnering in the back of mind if I somehow relax if that will be the one time I wish I hadn’t.

So there I was a few weeks ago at a government agency handing over very personal documents to the receptionist regarding my children and their care, and the receptionist starts talking to me. At first I thought she was nice, but something quickly felt off about the conversation. She was asking questions about my children that I thought odd for a receptionist to ask. Like where did they go to school, and things like that. I looked puzzled, I am sure, but then she asked me if I recognized her. Of course I don’t because 10 years has passed, and not to be mean, but girl has gained a shit load of weight. When I told her her I didn’t, she called herself out as someone that knew this horrible person, and testified at trial as their character witness. I was floored. She then proceeded to explain to me that she believed in their innocence (keep in mind this horrible human CONFESSED their crimes)  and she then looked down at our address and proceeded to  ask more personal questions about my kids and where we live.  I will spare you all the inbetween details, because I am so exhausted from talking about it, but it ended with me removing the papers from her desk and filing a complaint.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I sat in the office of my attorney, and another attorny while discussed a plan to remove the records from the agency, and how to put in place a protectoin to keep my family safe from being tracked down, yet again. Now keep in mind, I came back to this area a couple of years ago because my son was really sick. I needed to be near people that cared about us, and I knew would be supportive during the emotional up and downs of everything going on. I still fly under the radar for the most part, but the few times I have seen people they have been very gracious, and no one has made me feel like I did that day in that office. I never expected someone to confront me like that, no less from behind at desk while they were at work. Why someone even still believes in the innocence of a confessed offender is beyond me, but shows the mindset of these people who obviously lack common sense. I feel like I am dealing with the human version of North Korea as a collective.
While I sat in the meeting I felt removed from everything. I sat there and found myself wondering why the hell I had to be in this situation in the first place. How the hell did I end up here? This took place 10 fucking years ago. When will the advocacy stop? When will I just be taken at face value that this happned to us, and people care enough to want to help when it is in their powers? Why do I have to tell my story once again, and exploit all the pain and shitstorm to get people to understand this isn’t a fucking joke? Why do I have to feel victimized all over again, and again to get people to step up? I wanted to stand up from the table and just run out. I wanted to rush home, load a UHAUL, and just disappear once again. I wanted to scream, cry, and pull an iconic movie moment from The Elephant Man and scream “I am not a monster!”.

Instead I shut down.

I shut down so hard, I became indifferent. Anyone that knows me knows that when I become indifferent, I am beyond angry. I am angry, hurt, exhausted, and it’s the only way I can cope with the overwhelming emotions of being dogpiled by circumstances. It’s not a pretty place to be, but it is the only place I can find a haven to shift into auto pilot and continue with my life. Once I hit indifference though, I am pretty much done. All the small battles, all the hurdles, everything.. just become something I no longer want to deal with. That’s the thing about me though, when I need to face something I want to deal with it. When there is an argument, I want to make it right. When I have done a wrong, I want to make sure I own it, but when I hit indifference, I am just done. Yesterday, I was just done.

I know I can’t always be done with this, and I know I will have to advocate along the way, but omg I just want a life. I want to be able to live, and walk freely without wondering if someone sees me and reports back to the powers that be that want to blame me for whatever wrongs they feel in life. I want to stay in one place, love one person, establish a life where I can make connections in my community and just be. I want to just focus on life ahead and not have to constantly advocate because of my past. I just want this to all be over and move on.

I was thinking about all of this earlier today while I was driving. You know my ex, the one who inspired this blog, knew of my past. I believed her being in law enforcement somehow was the polar opposite of this horrible human, and that her job defined her integrity. I was wrong, of course, but it gives a glimplse into the level of betrayal I felt when I had to kick her out. I don’t trust people easily, and perhaps you can now understand a portion of why. Loyalty, and honesty are the two paramount qualities I look for in people I trust into my life. Without those I have nothing. There is nothing.

So yesteray while in full shut down mode, I went into McDonalds to have lunch. This might not seem like a big deal, but I don’t typically sit in McDonalds on my own. Not because I hate sitting alone, but I just don’t like dealing with people face to face in public. I went becuase I wanted to feel something.. anything. I wanted to feel apart of a crowd, and just blend in. Instead I sat there looking down at my phone trying only to look up when I was done eating and notice that the place had filled up. I still felt disconnected and so I just got into my car and drove home in silence. I wanted to go to bed, sleep, and just escape to a dream state reality where hopefully there was unicorns and ranbows covered in butterflies. Instead I went home and tried to figure out a way I can have a normal life. When my mental list proved to a be a grand failure, I did decide that this just can not continue. As much as I tried to pull myself out of my funk, it just seemed to stick around like lint to a new sweater.

I don’t know what the magic formula is for someone to have a normal life after going through such a shitty thing. I keep trying to stick to the future and look at all the good that is taking place around me, and it sucks so hard that I hit my feet while jumping a hurdle, but I am trying. If I could find a way to shift all the shitty to something ppowerful and good, I would because I am tired of running away. I am so very, very tired of the sins of others suffocating the goodness of people and joy from my life. I feel super lost right now, and somewhat discouraged that perhaps this is it. This is my life forward on. I don’t want it to be. I want to live out my life list, and know what it is like to just “be”. I want what others have, to see beautiful things, see places, meet people, and write a story that is void of pain and betrayal. I want to know at the end of it all, that I was able to know there are people out there who aren’t interested in hurting me, or take advantage of my hungry soul for all the things that nourish it.

I want to write a happy story.

How the hell did I get here?

 

 

My Big Fat Life – Biopsy

In Uncategorized on March 9, 2017 at 1:27 am

Recently I had a biopsy. It was one of the more painful experiences I have had, and one I don’t wish on anyone. It was probably worse than the waiting for results, but the waiting certainly sucked.

I was convinced they would find something, thank god they didn’t, because my body has been an asshole. While I am super happy they didnt find anything, it still didn’t provide any resolution to help fix what’s seemingly wrong, so that part sucks.

During the waiting period I went through some self reflection as scenarios played out in my head. What if I was sick, who would take care of my kids? What about all the things on my life list that I haven’t done yet? Why did I wait so long to start marking things off, and what if they never came to pass? Am I happy, truly happy, where my life is now? I couldn’t give myself any answers either in the heightened moments of anxiety, other than through it all I was experiencing something I hadn’t really had before, and that was the support from someone I love.

In my life I have been through some pretty big situations, as we all have. I dont really know how many people tried to be there for me, as I had pushed people away in my need to cope and survive. I somehow believed love would only bring a level of vulnerability that would only weaken me when I needed to focus on being strong. That might sound backwards, but any attempts up to this point had only proven to be one big disaster after another. Letting go of people and relationships in the face of a storm was my nautral shedding of anything I didn’t deem as essential to survive whatever it was I was going through. In my mind it was the right thing to do,  not too much unlike people who are facing hypothermia and start shedding their clothing. When I read those stories I alwys think to myself “what the heck were they thinking?” but when you are in that place at the moment you truly feel like you are doing what you need to survive, no matter how backwards it is.

Years ago when I was reading Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller) I had read something that resonated with me in a very powerful way. Donald writes:

“I’ve had about fifty people tell me that I fear intimacy. And it is true. I fear what people will think of me, and that is the reason I don’t date very often. People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn’t like me. That is the number one thing that scares me about having a wife because she would have to know me pretty well in order to marry me and I think if she got to know me pretty well she wouldn’t like me anymore.”

Well if that isn’t my truth I don’t know what is. Things are far easier to maintain as long as things stay on a superfical level. There is no fear of getting hurt, being abandoned, having to nourish love when things get tough in other spaces of my life, or even having to think how my reactions might affect another. In all honesty, I become selfish to survive and knowing this has always kept me from even considering to be open to sharing life, really sharing life with someone else. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever truly been in love before now because of this. I have never truly been in a place to share life with another person up close and openly. I used to think this was the ideal way to live. My years invested in long distance, and shallow part time relationships is my testament to this truth.

While that is no longer my truth,  oftentimes I need to rewrite what I believe to be true, and it has been one of the most raw, true and beautiful chapters I have ever lived.

While I feel I was somehow given more time to finish writing the book of my life, I still feel like there are some chapters I need to start working on. The urgency I feel to start living and stop dreaming has felt a bit big at times, and I am not sure exactly if I need to really dive head in, or stop for a moment and remind myself that even if I never see a firefly that my life is pretty awesome right now as it is. I’m working that balance out, because I don’t want to give up on my dreams just yet. Instead I want to share them with him and be a part of his as well. I’ve never wanted that before, and perhaps that is the best part of it all.