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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Life – My Penis Says I Like You

In dating, feelings, Uncategorized, women, Writing on March 15, 2015 at 12:11 am

There is a huge transition from dating men from having dated women. The dynamic is just completely different. I know that there are some differences because of individual personality, but over all… there is a difference.

For example, when I was dating women it was a much easier flow of conversation. I think that women just naturally seem better at carrying on a conversation that makes the other feel like we are interested in learning about the other. By that I mean we tend to ask questions that help us get to know you in a more sentimental, and personal way. We like to talk about feelings, favorite colors, and our favorite childhood memories, and we like to ask you about yours. It’s these skills that can have us get into a grocery check out line with a cart, and walk away with our bags of groceries and 5 new friends.

Men however, are a whole other ball game. In my experience so far they don’t tend to ask questions, or carry much of a mutual conversation. You would almost hear the argument “They are listening. They don’t need to ask if you are already telling them”, but I’m not. I’m pretty picky when it comes to going on a date… or not. That is obviously my problem.

I have gone on some dates to get some experience in learning how to date men . I am using this time to to work on overcoming some of my social anxieties of meeting someone for the first time. At least that is what the goal was. I just find I have sharpened my skills at sipping coffee, and quietly listening to a make-shift counseling session. Since dating men this past year, I’ve also come to find a part of my struggle is questioning whether men even find me attractive. Just to elaborate on the attaction part, I once dated a woman who once told me that in the lesbian world she thought she was pretty hot. In the heterosexual world, she thought she was average. After I stopped laughing, I got what she was saying. I had far more confidence dating women than I did men. Not because I somehow thought I was physically fabulous on the lesbian dating circut, but because I did feel more confident with women. I felt we shared more conversation, and that made me feel more secure physically… if that makes sense. I guess I could use the insane amount of sexual advances directed towards me as a measurement, but to be honest I would rather not measure my attractivness by the reaction of my date’s penis. Attraction is so much more than just the physical.

The one thing in my experience, is that women and men in my peer group want to move really fast. Women usually want to move fast on the emotional highway (come on, you know you have dated that woman that says “I love you” or “U-Haul” before the first date is over. I know I have) and men in my peer group want to move physically. Both seeem to be in the passing lane. The guys don’t even want to exchange more than two notes on a dating site before they are asking you out. There is no asking me anything about anything; they just want to meet. Their response to my question of why they want to meet so fast, is to find out if there is “chemistry”. What I am starting to believe is they really want to see if their penis reacts when they see me.

When I was dating women there was at least a mutual conversation going on when I went on a date. We would ask questions that showed we were paying attention with interest, and it was nice. Even if we learned enough about each other that would show perhaps we weren’t a good romantic match, we would almost awlays walk away with a new friend. With the men, it’s usually 45 minutes of them talking about their ex, how wonderful they are, or some other counseling/interview session theme. The one thing that blows me away is the amount of men who make sexual advances on a first date. One guy actually grabbed me by the waist, pulled me in and tried to kiss me. When I pulled away and informend him that I don’t kiss on a first date, his response was “You do now”. My response was “No, I don’t”. This isn’t even the first time something like this has happened, and it floors me. Whatever happend to that nervous moment that someone reaches to hold your hand on the third date?

Is there just this huge group of men in their late 30s and 40s who are walking around with a perpetual hard on? Is there something that they can not take for this? Maybe some anti-testosterone penile introduction reaction pill that keeps it from responding within the first hour of meeting someone so we can have an mutually held verbal conversation?

Anything?

….

I am sure that to the majority of those in my dating peer group, I move pertty slow. I have slowed down even more since going on these dates that have yielded nothing more than a sexual interest.  I just really don’t want to meet someone for coffee within the first two notes, and I would really like to have an actual conversation that involves me using my conversational skills as well instead of just listening intently for an hour complain about their ex, while I quietly sip on coffee.

To top the date off, I especially love the courtesy of the text message after the inital meeting that asks me out for a second date. It usually says something like “It was nice to meet you. When are you avaiable to meet again?” (please keep in mind that some awkwardly inappropriate sexual advance has already taken place). I can’t say for certain, but I suspect if I plugged that sentence into Google translate from male to female, it would read something along the lines of “Hey, my penis says I should ask you out again. Perhaps I can spend the next date telling you all about my divorce some more, and how much I would like to have sex with you. I’d really like that. I’ll even pay for the coffee this time.” This might be based on the date I went on that I thought was going at least seeminingly better than the previous experiences, only to have been sent a text a few short hours after, asking me if I would like to meet for some sexual interaction the next day.

I’m not trying to suggest that ALL men are slaves to the penis. I just don’t think I have met that one yet based on the dates I have been on.

Just. One. Nice. Guy. Who gets that sharing experiences doesn’t always invovle some sexual advance, or awkward flirtatious innuendo.

Please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Big Fat Life – My Biopsy and No Compromise

In Uncategorized on March 14, 2015 at 11:50 pm

On Monday I had a biopsy. I was so damn scared.

I will spare you the story of how I found out that I needed one, but the short details are an ultrasound showed something needed to be looked at closer, and so I had a uterine biopsy. I was thankful for the friends that offered to drive me, and were there with me through the process. I was terrified, but it helped to have people around me that kept my mind from focusing fully on what was about to happen. Thursday I received a call that everything came back benign. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing I felt, and still feel.

Before this happened there was someone I was seeing for a period of time, and right before my biopsy I had found my threshold of bullshit had been crossed. I will spare you the long details of this situation as well, but let me say that to have continued to date him would have set me back years of work to find the person it is I want to share my space and time with. Hearing the results came back negative really gave me that extra kick to remain true to myself, and it feels good to finally have some of the skills I need to advocate for myself to not settle.