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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Life – Goodnight.

In Uncategorized on March 17, 2016 at 10:30 pm

April 18th, 2011 I wrote my first entry on this blog even though for legal reasons it’s  now on private. I can’t recall where my keys currently are, but somehow I remember that night vividly. I was feeling pretty alone in this world, and writing seemed to be the only place I could talk at 2am. That was a tough time. I had lived in that forsaken town and I was now on my own. I knew no one, I was suddenly on my own paying all the bills, and every promise made to me was broken. It’s hard to believe almost 5 years has passed since that night. I remember being so afraid for what the next day held, and here I am so far away from that time alienated in more ways than I would have imagined at the time.

The past 5 years has brought some changes:

I’ve learned you can’t live like it’s the last moment of your life at all times, because dishes still need washed and you need clean socks.

We don’t always let the small stuff go despite how close to death we have stood, because what might seem small tomorrow can still feel pretty big today.

My Mom is most likely the mutant offspring time traveller from a parallel universe where she is the result of a verbal love affair between Stephen King and M Night Shamalayn.

I have lived through a divorce, a 3am call from Japan when my son called to tell me he had cancerous growth, another son with 2 open heart surgeries, my daughter got married, 4 rings, three marriage proposals, two exes that wouldn’t let go, realizing I’m not gay, and the American Embassy mediating a partridge in a pear tree.

I’ve learned that protecting something means standing up against a threat coming at you, and insecurity is holding a weapon aimed at your fears, which in reality is pointing the weapon at yourself.

Fear is not fact. You can split hairs on that, but I think you get what I mean.

I’ve learned that people expected me to write love letters, but had zero clue how to write one to me. I’ve also learned that the best way to write love, is to live it.

I’ve been at my sons beside twice in ICU after open heart. The first time I was in a demanding relationship with someone who I was unhappy with that added to my stress on a deep level, and seeing my son on a ventilator made me realize I wasn’t even living the life I wanted. The second time I had a supportive partner, and I saw first hand how all the difference being with someone who is unconditional, is. He was kind, compassionate, thoughtful, sensitive, and not once made me feel bad for crying or being stressed out. I saw a part of life that I wanted.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to speak my mind, and those worth my time will talk to me about how it makes them feel if they take issue. Those who just walk away without notice were/are self serving. Fuck them.

“Friends” who continue to be offensive towards you when you have spoken to them about how hurtful they are being towards you, are also self serving assholes. Fuck them too. Friends talk, friends compromise, friends try to clear the air or at least have a mututal respect even when you don’t agree. Anything less is just an aquaintance. 

I’ve learned that anyone who tries to make me feel crazy for feeling the way I do, isn’t worth my time. It’s okay to be wrong and misunderstand. It’s called being human. Those who value your friendship and/or relationship will take the time to talk to you about it because they care and understand that maybe you aren’t seeing all the facts. It’s not okay  when someone tries to make you feel crazy or stupid because of how you feel in that moment. If they do, chances are you just called them out on their bullshit and they want to put it on you rather than be honest or take responsibility. They don’t care about your feelings, they just care about not having to deal with it. Fuck that group of people too. Trust me on this.

Don’t be with someone who is never wrong and isn’t willing to apologize when they are. Always own what is yours, but be with someone who loves you enough to be humble as well and own what’s theirs as well. It’s not about always being right. Love is not a competition between the two of you. You’re a team, and teams figure out how to be strong….. together. 

Don’t be with someone who claims every failed relationship was because of the other person. This is a red flag, and you should run as quick as your feet can take you. I don’t care how good they look. There is not one person in this world who is gorgeous enough to ignore the red flags for. No. One. Looks fade, my friends. Crazy will always be.

I’ve encountered a variety of these people in the couse of 5 years, and it’s with confidence I warn you about them. Maybe you are like me and won’t heed a bit of advice I give, because perhaps this is different and your situation will turn out differently. For your sake I hope it is, and it does. If it doesn’t though, don’t kick yourself too hard. Just live better. Trust me, you can.

*end of list, but not end of lessons learned*

A few days ago a friend of my son-in-law made an update on his Facebook page. It says to   let others know how much you love them, because you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. He has experienced a lot of loss in his life lately, and was feeling it. He died in a car accident the day after writing that update. His last words to people who commented were of love, and making plans to get together. That’s his legacy. Not some angry status update, not words that hurt, nor some crazy meme. I was almost guilty of that with the last blog I published which I am sure you notice has since been removed. I promised myself when I started this I woudln’t censor myself short of committing libel, but I didn’t want to leave that up there. While I was pretty upset, one thing I didn’t do was own my part in what happened. I wasn’t free of guilt by any means, and I can only work on my responses to things so that I don’t so the same thing again. Not repeating the same shit is ultimately the best apology one can make, thankfully we talked and are working it out, but I realize that blog entries like that not the legacy I want to leave behind. It’s because of this I decided that the time has come for me to take a break from writing. There are things I want to do now that Gabriel has had his surgery, and I would like to just focus on those things this season of life. I need to do some self-care, and experience some life. I need to learn to not live in crisis mode 24/7, and take a breath. I feel like my blog started as a result of a horrible situation that happened in a horrible place, and now that I am out of both horrible spaces, I need to venture out and have a few adventures in better places with better people, holding the hand of my person.

I am not fully abandoning this blog, because  a part of my history is written here. I will come back from time to time, but I’m not sure when. Maybe it will be months, maybe longer.. who knows. I don’t want to think about it. If you want to, you can email me anytime you want to talk or reach out, and I will respond.

Thank you all for being a part of my journey. I couldn’t have done this without your love and support.

I wish you all love, peace, and happiness..

Much love,

L

lesbian_spaghetti@yahoo.com

 

 

 

 

My Big Fat Life – Walking Barefoot

In Uncategorized on February 22, 2016 at 11:01 pm

You know that fantastic feature on Facebook that lets you look back on your memories each day? Today mine reminded me that at one point I allowed the dog to snuggle with me, that I disliked weird dreams, I liked a song by Jesus Jackson, that Valentines Day was almost upon us, and true to history I had more than my share to say about it.

It’s been my historical belief that Valentines Day is a disappointment day used  used to make the big corporations to prey upon the insecurities of every woman to make more money. Legit beliefs in their own right, but really just a cover for the fact I didn’t have what I saw all those couples had in the ads. You know,  the clean happy and beautiful people who seem to never do anything but smile and spin each other in circles in fields of gold. Almost always they have perfect hair, perfect smiles, and look like they have lived lives untouched by the reality of life. My reality is I spin circles, just not usually in fields and often the ground under my feet is padded by laundry while I’m muttering a bunch of reminders to myself while in my pajamas.

This year though, I am actually a little excited. Not because I have plans to spin in fields, but because I am sharing the day with someone I like spending time with. Someoene who has me believing in love, relationships, and all that jazz.

I hate to sound like one of those people that blame all of their issues on their parents, but it does impact us when we are young to see the things the adults in our lives do. I like to think I survived my childhood unscathed, but reality is there are some things I have had to work through over the years. I used to think that the majority of my struggles surrounded the abuse I experienced as a child, but there is always some dust left behind when you pick up things that have been sitting around and throw them out. I was in my early 20s when I finally made peace (as much as you can possibly make) with the things that took place in my Mom’s house, but It wasn’t until I met someone special that I realized how much my Dad would affect me.

Recently I was conversing with the guy I am dating in a relationship with, and I had said something along the lines of how I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because I am just not used to things going this well. When he asked me what the first shoe was, I couldn’t answer because honestly I had no idea.

Ever since I was a teen I remember my greatest fear dating was being cheated on and ultimately lied to. Both are actions that I know you are at risk of dealing with when you involve other people in your life, and both are things I have dealt with. While my ex would tell that she never cheated, it’s hard for me to believe based on her actions that shew was legit. While it’s true I didn’t love her the way someone in love is supposed to love another person, it honestly felt violating that she could make an ass out of me and expect me to believe everything she said when she behaved in really suspect ways. Who knows… maybe she never cheated, but the truth is that I caught her in so many lies that it would be a hard press to bring me to the belief that she didn’t. Once the lies start, it’s like trying to navigate through a maze of mirrors and never trusting what you are looking at. Once trust has been kicked around you realize anything is possible. I remember how crappy it made me feel to be made a fool of and lied to, and it’s one of those moments you remember more vividly than the moments that weren’t so bad. It’s just that powerful.

My father was a charismatic man. Handsome, funny, talented, and had a way with the women. His laid back demeanor, full head of glorious hair and ability to make you laugh was something that people were drawn to. The few times I was with him in public, I would see women respond to my father in ways that even I as a child knew married man shouldn’t be acknowledging so it really came as no surprise as I grew older and learned that my father cheated on every single wife he ever had, including my mom and with my mom. Confusing, I know, but there was one time when his second wife was gone when my mom dropped us off at his house for visitation. I thought it was weird she went to his room, but I didn’t really question what they were doing. I was probably preparing myself to deal with my step moms return and her dreaded Jell-O molds she would call dessert that I would liken as a way to torture us kids legally. Years later my mom would tell me that he slept with her that day and essentially broke her heart all over again.

My Dad didn’t change much as he got older. He was married to a woman when he got sick, and I always wondered if she knew he had a girlfriend on the side for months prior. He used to tell me about this other woman as though it was funny he could pull it off but I could never quite understand why he just didn’t walk away from his marriage instead of finding ways to hang out with his side piece without his wife finding out. Maybe it was a thrill for him, and as much as his last wife was such a bitch to everyone around I still felt a pang of sadness that she was being made such a fool of openly to those of us who knew he was cheating on her. Since his death I wondered if perhaps she did know, and that’s why she seems so uptight all of the time. It would explain a lot. Including that shitty coffin that looked more like a speaker box from the 1970s that he was buried in.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I really started to have somewhat of a relationship with my father, but by then I was simply another person in his life that was left behind with more questions than answers. I wish I had asked him about all the cheating and why he did it. I hate that I am left with a lot of questions, but I guess at the end of the day his answers really don’t matter. It’s what I intend to do with the realization of where this shoe takes root, and what I plan to do about it that matters.

The idea that someone could lie to me either by way of omission or outright without regard to the integrity of a relationship scares me. At my age I’ve seen people around me lie to each other, cheat on their spouses, and fail to be careful with hearts. At times it has challenged me to question everything I thought I knew about myself, love and trust. It’s not an easy thing to come back from and probably why the bible, which was written so many years ago, left adultery as the only legit reason to divorce. Even then people realized the damage it can inflict and the war it leaves oneself with. Of all the things that have changed since that book was written, the consistent truth is how people make us feel when they hurt us. It’s a shitty truth to confess that I’ve allowed myself to keep a distance from every single person I have been with because I had two people set an example of how to treat others like crap, but that’s the case and it’s stupid. I don’t want to say that every single thing in my life has been ruined because of their choices over their own lives, because it’s a load when people say that. I’m quite well aware that I am, as an adult, responsible for my own actions. I just think having realized where everything roots itself makes it easier for me to have an ah-ha moment and move on.

So it turns out the crazy emotional first shoe that dropped belongs to my Dad. It contributed to the way I kept a distance between myself and reaching that finish line so many times with people. Between him and my Mom it’s any wonder I didn’t end up just deciding to keep doing the long distance relationships that allowed me the right to say I was in a relationship when I was really just in something that was more of a costume. I don’t regret not ending up with any of these people in the end because I really like the guy I am dating in a relationship with, but it sucks to realize It’s so much easier to just walk away before someone had the chance to hurt me because in the end I am sure I hurt them. Something I never really set out to do, and if by chance one of those people are reading this today, I am sorry.  Unless you were one of the crazy ones; in that case my apology doesn’t apply.

After realizing all of this stuff I decided to stop thinking about shoes and what they represent. It seems my parents crap has had enough space in my life, and I really don’t want to lend more. While I never will have the answers I long for that would probably help me find resolution in a way that makes sense, I have decided they can keep their ugly shoes because I plan on walking barefoot.