My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my


My Big Fat Life – Love

In Uncategorized on September 6, 2016 at 8:49 am

This morning I saw something on my FB newsfeed that struck me. I know over the years of writing here, that I have shared the devastation that comes from a broken relationship, and the realization it wasn’t really a relationship at all, but rather a superficial situation that was impossible to keep up. My biggest problem with the ex was that she had a belief that things were always supposed to be intense. She would constantly tell me that rush you get when you first meet is supposed to stay, and no one can keep that up. It’s not even realistic. It’s exciting, but it’s not even where the solid happens. When I saw this photo it struck me, because a few yeas ago I would have been trying to figure out where I went wrong in believing I am somehow so fundamentally broken that I couldn’t keep that initial rush alive.  Since then I matured in realizing it’s not even healthy, and things are supposed to change. You’re supposed to grow through the changes and something so remarkable happens when you do. So much more good comes from working through those transitions when you find your routines and make them work.

I’m sharing this because so many times I fell victim to those expectations and I need to share that if you are in this place, you need to let go of those. Those are the superficial, and as exciting and new as those are, it’s not what makes a life long relationship work. Any couple that has been together for the long term and makes things seem easy, will tell you that bumps in the road have come and they grew through them, and that is why it works. I’ve never been in a place myself until this past year, to be able to say that I have even been in a space to want to work together with someone to grow, so I am probably the last (or maybe that is why I am the best) to tell you that you have to let these superficial ideals go. Anyone can come alongside you and make you feel exciting and worth getting to know, but it’s when you meet someone that makes you feel you are worth being a part of, that’s the most solid thing I can ever remember feeling. It doesn’t always feel good, and it can leave you sore. I’ve had my pride wounded at times,, often at my own doing, but it’s forced me to realize some of my responses are so immature in thinking and letting those things go isn’t a hit no matter how much my pride wants to believe it is. But it’s something that makes me want to do better, to grow from, because for that moment when I feel sore or bruised, it’s not always like that.

Anyways, I felt a need to share this because I think this speaks to all of us in some way.


My response: ” Love is supposed to have that honeymoon phase. It’s the best. But things are supposed to mature and routines happen. You can’t measure your relationship based on the newness of it to how it’s evolved. Having said that, I’ve never stuck around long enough to try to work through the changes, and so I suck at those conversations. I get overwhelmed by my own responses, and sometimes they look bigger than how I know they rationally should be. I met someone who’s been a game changer for me, and so I want to work those changes not, while not expecting the idealized belief that everything is going to be as it is in the beginning, because as nice as those things are, it’s better when you move beyond the superficial of the initial rush of it all and you work to make the everyday routine solid. What we all want, is to be valued. To be a part of the routines, and grow in knowing that you’re worth, your love is worth, growing through the transitions together. I’d take a solid relationship over the initial excitement anyway. Because to me, that’s where the good happens when you can say you’re a team. Even when it means you’re a team working it out. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it when you grow together.”

I don’t know why, but I automatically thought of a scene from Friends that I saw once, and said to myself “I want that”.  While at times I have had to really sit myself down and remind myself that how I might be feeling isn’t always how it is (I’m so Monica in this scene), I haven’t ever met someone before who has challenged me to want to make things work in a way knowing it’s worth the investment to be open enough to meet halfway, until this past year. It’scary still sometimes, but the good outweighs everything else, and the things that come up are often from my own fear and really I need to figure that out. I’m not exactly awesome at this, God knows, but I have to remind myself I haven’t really allowed myself to be so open before, and often the growing pains hurt. 

So before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, keep in mind that maybe the world isn’t falling apart and a few bumps along the way are actually OK. Things are supposed to evolve, and that’s OK too.

My Big Fat Life –

In Uncategorized on September 5, 2016 at 10:02 am

Yesterday, over a late lunch, my daughter said something to me that was harsh, but true. I know it’s lame to say that and then not reveal what it was, but it’s something I feel I need to keep to myself right now. I know, I know.. while talking about it. I get it. It’s weird, but trust me, it’s something I just need to hold for a little longer.

I wrote two different paragraphs here but erased them, because it’s all just crap compared to what I know I need to do.