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Archive for April, 2011|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Saturday

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, family, gay, grief, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, sleep, Uncategorized, women on April 30, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I probably should have explained two entries ago, that the one I wrote about my son I had actually written on Wednesday. I didn’t publish until I had my sons permission to talk about it. I really want to respect how much people know right now.

That being said, I left the entry explaining how I didn’t want her to drain anything from me, to having sound like she did, in just a matter of hours. I had to clear that inconsistency up.

Today: I woke up really upset with her over her display of behavior yesterday. I guess I shouldn’t have expected more, but I did. I was hoping for an easy transition and instead I got her cutting remarks and dramatic accusations.

At one point, she actually accused me of having “stabbed” the laundry bag that had her clothing in it, in front of the officer. I’m actually glad she did, because it was a perfect display of what I’m talking about. The bag, is one of those cheap plastic, less than 5 bucks bag from Target. There was laundry in it, too heavy for me to carry. I had to drag the bag. It’s even obvious from where the marks are, the varying sizes of the holes, and the fact they’re frayed around the edges (not a clean tear) on the bottom of the bag only. It’s obvious that the bag was dragged. Yet, she stopped, and exclaimed accusingly that I had stabbed the bag several times.

Really?

Stab a bag? . . .

Really?

The small glimpses I am getting of her (while in court, and the move) after having been away from her for periods of time, make me see her. Really see her. I never spent an extended period of time away from her before now, and I’d like to think that if I had, I would have seen the red flags before now.

I’d like to think so anyways.

But I didn’t, here I am, and now I need to figure out how to piece back together that which she took apart: Myself.

She left us in a financial mess after not following through her promises, and I’m no clue how I’m going to pay some of the bills. But as the officer told
me yesterday, her taking the material things is a small price to pay for peace.

I agree.

Here’s to a peaceful Saturday.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Dear God, Really? . . Sincerely, A Concerned Citizen

In Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, religion, single, women on April 29, 2011 at 2:32 pm

It’s been a few days since my last post. There’s a good reason why.

Cancer.

Let me start from Monday and shift around.

I had to go to court on Monday, and appear because of the restraining order that she’s contested. The hearing to make it final, was Monday.

Needless to say, she (the still legally my “wife”) said a lot, but the judge strongly suggested we have our attorneys present. Soooooo, back to court two weeks from last Monday with attorneys in tow, to discuss the restraining order.

Ugh.

The real and only thing on my mind when I went into court, was the call at 2am, prior to the 9am hearing, that I received from my eldest son.

He lives overseas currently. He is a gifted trumpet player, and budding composer, in the Marine Corps Band. At 21, I’m just so dang impressed with the young, talented and interesting young man he’s become. . is.

He is my oldest of 6 children..(just the 4 boys at home now. I also have a daughter who is 18).

Well, when he was on leave last, he had a growth on the back of his head. It was huge. I could write the whole story out, but the part that really matters most is that, the 2am call was to tell me the Dr. said his test results found some cancer in the biopsy.

We don’t know how much, or any of the details yet. Waiting on the surgery to remove the growth, and all the tests that go along with such things. But I can tell you I really wish a Spiderman Band-Aid could fix this.

I hate that I’m so far away from him right now.

There’s a lot I have on my mind about my wife, through all of this. But honestly, all the crap and the stuff she’s putting me through doesn’t even compare to just how much I feel for my son. She isn’t deserving to drain one emotion away of concern I have for him right now.

If you’re out there, and you’re reading this, please breathe/say/believe a prayer for my son.

That’s all I can deal with writing for now.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Pack and U Haul

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, Uncategorized, women on April 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

It’s Friday morning, and I’m sitting in the living room, listening to the hum of the heater and fan. . and my thoughts.

She is scheduled to be here at 9am, just 25 minutes from now, to pick up her stuff. Because I have a restraining order against her, a police officer must be present. I’m glad there will be. It will hopefully prevent her from making any of those destroying comments she shoots like darts.

I was dreading this day a few weeks ago, now I’m looking forward to it. The pile of her stuff in my bedroom is now annoying, and unsightly. I’ve been sleeping on the love seat as I’ve no space for sleeping in the bedroom. Which I guess is good. It’s given me time to step back and disconnect, if even a little, from the memories of the room.

Of course, I don’t know how I’ll really feel until she shows up and takes it all, but at this moment. . I’m good. I’m more concerned how the boys will feel. The occasionally walk in my room, look at it, and make comments. I know they miss her.

Update: It’s 10:16 – No show.

11:07 – Still no show.

Finally, she showed.

Wow.

I’m still pretty disturbed by her behavior so I’ll cut to the point.

She complained, made rude and cutting remarks and was just abrasive. I had informed her that her items were packed, at no time did she give me specifics, so I just put it all together for her. One of the officers standing by me had lost her patience with her, it was obvious I wasn’t the only one who noticed her behavior.

At first I was pretty upset she tried to walk out with towels bought specifically for the boys. I mean, this woman is going back on every word to the boys and I, and now she wants to take what little we have? I can’t afford to replace the things she wants to take, just because she can. All the things she told me to get rid of when I moved because she already had it. . .

Ugh.

I guess the turning point was when I walked into the bedroom. She told the officer she was done taking everything from the room, so I walked in. And there on the floor she had removed from her belongings, a pressie my son had bought her. She literally removed it from the items packed, and left it on the floor with the rest of the rubbish she left behind. It was at that point I started crying, my heart breaking for the disregard she treated something he bought for her out of love. I remember the day he bought it for her. He was so excited to surprise her with a gift he saw and thought she would love.

At that point I wanted her, her items, her ugliness and anger just out. She could have walked out with the kitchen sink and I wouldn’t have cared. I looked at her and saw her at the core. Not the beautiful woman I married, or thought I did, but the absolute ugly. The kind so hard to look upon without feeling ill.

Of all the offenses, the physical aggression she has lashed out and pain she has caused. . . leaving that gift on the floor amongst her garbage was the eye opening display of awful to show me just how ugly, truly ugly, she is.

The veil has been removed.

Liberation.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Just Give Me The Chocolate Now.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, women on April 23, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I’m stuck. I am somewhere between the fact I love her, and I am angry with her. I have no idea what this place is called, other than “stuck”.

She hasn’t kept the promises she, well… promised.

She promised so much, the most important that she would never do anything to hurt the children. However, that last argument we had, she screamed that she would take everything away from me and my 4 “illigetimate” children and leave us penniless on a street corner. I can’t get that out of my head. It is what keeps me stuck. This woman, who promised to love and care for us, now yelling how she wants to destroy my family.. our family. It makes me hurt and feel betrayed. Not just for myself, but for all the things she promised the boys. My 10yr old keeps asking me to make good on her promises, things she promised him before she left. I told him I would try and do my best. It just adds to the feelings of betrayal of her promises and the trust we had.

Another thing I can’t seem to get out of my mind, is that day when we got into an argument. I came back into the apt after the things she said to me in the laundry room. I walked into the bedroom, and she was standing against the wall. She was on the phone with someone, quietly talking and seemed to be smilling. I was crying and devastated after all the things she said, and she was standing there quietly talking into the phone like it was no big deal.

It makes me feel all conflicted and hurt all over again. Because the woman who screamed awful things at me, I have loved. The things she says and believes about me, breaks my heart. I could never seem to make her understand that.

I have come to understand that there is no greater hurt, than that inflicted by someone you love. Though writing this, I’m starting to wonder though, if she ever even loved me at all. If she did, I can’t imagine how she could have said the things she did, and done the things she has done, and is doing. I’d like to think she did at some point. But I can’t resonate in my mind how you can love someone as much as she claimed she loved me and my children, then say the things she said about my children that day. Of all the things in this world to use against me, to hurt me…  

Shit. How much more confusing is it to be hurt by someone you love, that you think doesn’t even give a crap about you?

It’s like a 3 layered conflict of emotions. How many levels of heartbreak do I have to endure before I get to the fnal place of healing?

Do they even make enough chocolate for this?

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Sleep, What?

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, women on April 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm

This waking up between 4 & 5am crap has got to stop. It’s exhausting. It’s like clock work, though I have no idea why. Nothing used to take place between those hours when she was home, so I’m not sure what the deal is.

I’m still haunted by her, yet starting to find a little bit of my smile again. The boys and I are still off kilter, and they keep asking why she doesn’t want to see them.

I tried explaining to them that she probably does, just can’t right now. My 10yr old struggles with that, as I’m sure they all do.

The first thing I asked of her, was if anything happened to us, that she would not drop out of their lives. She promised she wouldn’t, but she also promised a lot of other things that she’s not keeping her word on, to me or the children. I don’t know what to expect anymore. I just know it hurts, because I know it’s hurting them.

Someone uttered the dreadful “You’ll find someone else.” line last night. I just smiled and let it go. I just didn’t know what to say. It’s almost as crappy to say to someone who’s hurting and left behind in the aftermath of loss, as shrugging it off and saying “Eh, don’t worry. They’re replaceable.” I know their intentions are good, but it stings.

I decided to make a few changes to the apt. and it’s starting to feel more cozy. Maybe I’m trying to chase out the ghosts of memories left behind. If I change the space, I change the thought. . . right? I know it’s a long shot, but it can’t hurt.

I can still hear her come through the door after work though, or remind me not to mess her hair up when I hugged her on the way out. I miss those moments of her coming into or leaving the room. Not sure what I can do to help chase those ghosts out, perhaps time itself is the best.

I’m kinda sad that I’m forgetting the smell of hair though. Some things time doesn’t heal, but instead it robs.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce- Love Letter 

In attorneys, Break-up, children, civil unions, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, relationships, single, women on April 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

She wrote me the following, not long ago. I’m not sure where things got messed up, but it made me cry. That’s the woman I want to work on my marriage with. I miss her.

“Sometimes things get so over-
whelming, and I lose complete track of time. I realize that I have not held your hand in a week. I think how in the world did a week go by that I didn’t hold your hand. Our lives are going by so quickly with everything that we have going on. I just want us to slow down and  enjoy each other more. I need you. More than I have ever needed anyone, and it scares me to death sometimes. I am lost without you and the children, and I don’t want you to leave me. You are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and that will never
change. I want to make a new path with you too. Will you please show me? I love you so much…”

I’m really feeling it today. I’m really hurting again.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Custody Of The Can Opener

In attorneys, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, vows, women on April 17, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I’ve been cleaning today, something she swore I never did enough of. I’d like to say that I did as much as I could, in addition to all the other things I do in a day.

I can hear her now “I work a job, and I’m hardly home.” True, but just because I don’t work outside of the home, doesn’t mean I always have the time to do everything. In fact, there are days I’ve remembered to eat, around 10pm.

But that’s not the point of this need to write today.

I was doing dishes, and realized I need to start packing up her dishes. Slowly phase them out, not to make too many changes for the boys.

Then I started thinking about how I got rid of items, because she told me not to worry about it. That she either had, or would replace it for us. I came up here trusting her and a lot of promises she made. Now, I’ve got to figure out how to start separating the kitchen utensils.

I gotta figure out a lot of things now, and arguing over who owns the can opener seems so small in comparison. But I’m also trying to process how someone could make so many promises to five people, have us come to depend on her word, then just leave us figuring how we’re going to make ends meet.

When she first asked me to marry her, the plan was she was going to move to the little town I lived in. She was going to use the marriage to apply for a hardship transfer to another prison near me. I thought “OK”..

It was literally the day after we married that she “decided” she didn’t want to move. She told me if I moved up here, that there would be help with child care if we needed it, promises to help with expenses, provide and make sure the boys and I never wanted for anything. I expressed my concerns that my cost of living would go up, but income wouldn’t. But, she gave me her word and promised it would be OK. If I didn’t trust her or have believed her, I never would have married her or moved myself and my children up here.

Now, I’m wondering who gains custody of household items, and how I’m going to make ends meet next month.

If I ever title this blog My Next Big Fat Lesbian Marriage, please feel free to leave colorful comments regarding my sanity.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Between 4-5am Every Morning

In attorneys, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, vows, women on April 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm

It’s not quite 5am and I’m awake again. I notice it’s always between 4-5am that I wake up thinking about her. Sometimes because of a dream, others I just seem to wake up thinking about her.

This time, it was a dream.

In my dream she was with someone else. I watched her slowly start to have an emotional affair with this woman, as it turned into a physical affair. I woke up feeling sick and with a feeling of dread.

She always claimed there was no one else, I’d like to believe that. I really would. But there was something, I just can’t put my finger on it.

It’s not that I think people can’t leave a spouse for other reasons. but she showed all the classic signs of having either am affair, or an emotional connection with someone as she slipped further away from me.

I told her once, that I cheated in every relationship I’ve had. That’s true, but not in the literal. When you’re gay and you know you’re gay, every relationship with the opposite sex, seems to be missing a thread of faithfulness. I didn’t have as many relations with men as she gives me credit for, but there were some (I’ll share my coming out story sometime).

Anyways, I’m gonna try to go back to sleep.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Bed Comes Down.

In Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, single, sleep, Uncategorized, women on April 17, 2011 at 2:43 am

( I had written this April 17th, but I didn’t really feel right in sharing it until now. I don’t know, maybe I just needed to hold onto the memory a little while and let it be the last intimate thoughts and memories we shared.)

In a little bit, a friend is coming over to help me carefully take down her bed. Our marriage bed.

I want to make sure that things are ready for her when we do the scheduled moving of her items. The easiest, quickest and most uncomplicated transition possible is my goal.

Right now, her pillows are where she left them. The smell of her hair has faded, but up until now, I just couldn’t move them. The only thing different is that I packed up the clothes she wore on our wedding day and they are are in  container, on top of her pillows.

I’m not exactly sure why I placed them there, perhaps it’s been my way of feeling her close. Not the woman who left, but the woman I married.

I laid on the bed for a little bit tonight, next to where she’d be if she were there. I closed my eyes and reached out, just to see if I could still feel her there. I could, but the memories that flooded me weren’t exactly the comforting ones. I was reminded of the nights I laid in bed next to someone who wasn’t really receptive of affection unless she felt I had earned it,  and I remembered when I would get up in the morning and I’d always ask for a hug before either one of us got out of bed. It’s something I asked for early on in our marriage, that she would hug me every morning. It made a difference in my day, and seemed like a beautiful way to say I love you. Towards the end though, I let mornings slip by. It just didn’t mean anything without the sentiment.

I used to love the way we would fall asleep facing each other and holding hands in the early part of love. She used to let me fall asleep in her arms, and hold me close. But over time, she started facing away from me. I would reach out to hold her, but either I was leaning on her and she would start to complain about her hips hurting. Or she would complain she couldn’t hold me, because she had to roll over because her body hurt in one place or another. All the excuses kept piling up and the withholding of any affection became such a lonely place to be. Not long ago, I told her I really needed to at least face me at night from time to time so that I could feel close to her in some way. Some little way to feel intimate and connected. She accused me of controlling how she slept. It made me feel awful that she saw my need to connect to her as we used to, as controlling.

The last hug I gave her, was on that bed, and was that morning that we had argued. I felt so bad that we argued, that I came home after I took the boys to school, crept into the room and gave her a hug. I told her I didn’t want her going to bed angry, and I was sorry if I had upset her. I didn’t get into details with her as to why I may have upset her, it didn’t even matter to analyze it. All I cared about was I had inadvertently upset my wife, and I did not want her going to bed without knowing I was sorry, and that I loved her.

That’s the last time I laid on that bed with her and held her.

Tonight… I just laid next to memories of moments created and fading dreams of moments I had wished to create…

.. with her.

I am going to miss that bed, but most of all I am going to miss all the the things it had come to represent in the early part of our marriage…

Love.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Fish Called Journey

In attorneys, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, vows, women on April 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I was told yesterday that now is the time to start establishing our own routines. It seems a little weird, I mean it hasn’t even been two weeks yet. But I guess it really is time.

I woke up at 4am alone with my thoughts, and realized I still feel like I belong to her. Like, this is her family. There was a sense of belonging that came with my decision to marry her, as though we fit. So to find my way of starting new routines, apart from my sense of being hers, seems as unnatural as much as it is probably the right thing to do.

I decided to stop seeing the marriage counselor that she and I saw at first. I found a new one so that I can concentrate on just healing. That seemed to be the one thing both counselors who saw me with her both said, I just needed to heal. I’m not blameless in this mess, I know that. I had my obstacles to overcome, for sure. But I really did want to make things work.

But now, I gotta make things work on our own. I’ve done it before, a big part why I never wanted to do it again. I waited a long time to trust someone in our lives because I never wanted to be in this place. On our own, after having the life I thought we were missing out on. . being a family with her.

Today I plan on adding a new addition to our family. I promised the boys we could buy a fish. I set up a nice little aquarium right before all this happened. It’s been ready to house a new tenant the duration of this process. Initially I wanted her to pick our new fish, include her. .

I think I’ll name the new fish “Journey”