lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Pears, portland oregon, promises, school, single, vows, women on April 7, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Usually when I write something, I’ll keep it for a few days and edit. But since I’m at the mercy of my iPhone (computer is currently suffering from “blue screen of death”) I’ve decided to just put this out there and get the emotion out while it hits me. Perhaps I should edit, otherwise you might get a full posting on how I literally broke down in tears at the grocery store yesterday, because I saw pears. She likes pears. It made her happy when I bought pears, and I could probably create a blog around her pear induced joy. I’m not sure, I probably will.

I’m not sure of a lot of things right now.

Yesterday, I met with an attorney. The day before I filed a restraining order against my partner. The night before that, we got in a stupid argument that provoked her to say she was going to kill me. Dramatic for a stupid argument over laundry? Yes. But not so unexpected. Things have been escalating as I’ve been trying to save a marriage with someone who just didn’t want me.

Tears well up just writing out, admitting that she didn’t want me. It breaks my heart all over again.

So in the last few days I’ve had to make some tough choices regarding someone I love very much. While trying to process the grief. Hell, I can’t even process it. . . I’m just crying in waves of pain and unable to sleep, eat, or even grasp the reality my marriage is over.

I also smell her pillow a lot. I can still smell her shampoo, and it gives me comfort while making me endure a rush of pain all over again.

Perhaps I should quit smelling the pillow.

Anyways. . . I’m hoping as I go through this, to write through my journey to healing. At least I hope there’s healing ahead. Because right now I feel alone, sad and that this constant aching just won’t go away.

While there were so many defunct factors in our relationship, the fact remains I wanted nothing more than to fix it. Fix us.

And despite the escalation, the hurt and the pain I know if she came home right now, I’d still want to fix it. I don’t know if that makes pathetic, or just a woman so in love overcome with grief right now, that all logic is void.

Which leads me to my screen name: lesbian spaghetti. Everything is just all twisted up, and a huge tangled mess. Which sometimes is good with garlic bread, but almost always leaks through paper plates (random observations)

I miss her.

I miss her more than I could have imagined.

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  1. I am so sorry for your pain, hope things get better every day for you and one day you just wake up and the hurt is gone. Take care and keep in touch

  2. Hey, your doing great. Promise.

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