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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – If Only. .

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Netflix, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, single, vows, women on April 8, 2011 at 4:54 am

One thing I’m learning through this, is I have to let my pride down and ask for help from friends. Friends I’ve lost connections with, because I spent my time focusing on my life with my wife. Which, I am not complaining about, but I feel like an ass calling people I haven’t talked to in ages so I may cry over the phone and try to make sense of the same inner conflicts.

Today I thought a lot about where I went wrong. So many places, so many moments I could have turned around with just a kind word. I keep thinking if I could go back to that one moment, that one defining moment, she would still want me. Every mistake I’ve ever made, I’m playing in my mind over and over again. . . the time she brought me flowers after an argument, why didn’t I just take them quietly? Why did I have to ask her what it was she was apologizing for? Did it really matter that much at that moment? I was hurt, really hurt, but I wish I could go back and have just let my pride down. It’s things like this, that seems to be on a constant loop in my head. Every single thing. . . every single moment I reacted in hurt, when I should have in love.

But I was scared. Trust isn’t an easy thing to give.

We would fight, break-up, and each time come back
with a little more mistrust in our relationship and marriage. Both of us so stubborn, we wanted the other to prove themselves before we could give ourselves completely. We wanted to feel safe.

I wanted her to feel safe.

But at times she would lash out with some of the most hurtful things imaginable, I would be so wounded. I needed her to want me to feel safe too. At times I thought she did, at times I thought she was present and really wanting to work it out. But then the very next second, she would be gone. And I would feel unsafe all over again.

Lately, we’d been getting on so well. In fact, it was because we’d been getting on so well I begged her the night before this while mess started, to please please please not work a double shift at work. She normally works swing shift, but sometimes she works a double and adds a graveyard shift as well. When she does, it’s awful. She will almost always come home on a second wind high, but the next day crashes from a screwed up sleep schedule. That’s when things get awful. She’s not only grumpy, but her coping skills fly out the window. Every thing I do pisses her off. When I piss her off, she feels unsafe. It’s a horrible cycle, and why I begged her not to work anymore graves. She promised she wouldn’t not 48 hours before she did. I was so scared more than anything, I even asked her if she could back out if it when she told me she signed up for it, but she couldn’t. My heart sank. I knew what was coming, and I couldn’t stop it. All that work I’ve put into her trusting me, just gone.

She came home in a great mood. Even asked for a kiss. But I was dead tired. When she asked for a kiss, I barely remember I was already walking away while mumbling I had 20 minutes of sleep left before I got the boys up for school.

I would give anything to change that.

She saw it as me being a bitch, and all I knew was that I was tired and wanted the bed. And to be honest, she shouldn’t have gotten so angry about it. But we were learning to fight fair, and I’ll be honest, fighting fair isn’t her strong suit. She goes right for the main buttons and can be so brutal. While, I’ll say something that can be viewed as brutal but I mean no malice. I’m just a very literal person. If I’ve hurt you, I genuinely feel like shit for it, because I never really mean to hurt someone. I just say shit without thinking if how it sounds. That was something I was working hard on. Though, lately I noticed I’d say stuff from time to time to “hit home” with her. I was hoping she’d see how bad it hurt to have insecurities attacked, and perhaps she’d see how much it hurt, and stop. Wisdom
: you can not teach a tiger not to bite, by biting back.

Of course that’s not the whole story of what happened, but that’s the start. I wish I could go back and kiss her. But would have it really prevented this?

Probably not. And that sucks.

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