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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce- Expectations named “Goliath” and blankets named “Grace”

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, netfix, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, single, vows, women on April 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm

It’s Friday morning. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t been as long as it feels, that she’s been gone.

I wanted to stay in bed, and just not deal with life today, but I’ve got 4 boys at home that need me. I have appointments that need to be kept, errands that need to be run and life keeps spinning around me . . even if I wish it would just take a break for a bit.

Last night my son Ben said to me “Mom I know you think she was best for us, but maybe God thinks this is best for us. Tonight I want you to prayer a really good prayer and ask God what He thinks is best”. I know the boys miss her like mad, they love her too. So it surprised me he could look above his own pain, and find the wisdom. I wish I had that skill right now.

I think the hardest part in all of this, is the children. They love her. She was the first person I let into their lives in the capacity I had, and that says a lot about how much I loved her. For the first time, I felt I was a complete family. For the first time, we were.

She took the role of parent in a crash course, I wish I hadn’t put her through that. But everything about us happened fast. Changes were spinning, life was spinning, my mind was spinning. . . I never wanted it to spin out of control. But the crash course, was a two sided deal. She was getting a crash course in parenting, and I was getting a crash course in trust, marriage and a new city. Both of us were stressed out. And instead of supporting each other through it, we lashed out in exhaustion. Our relationship had no quiet time. I had new Drs. to establish for my children, and she had work. Between the two, there was no time.

But I still feel if she and I had taken time, we could have found our way. I just don’t think she has the strength to. I don’t know with just me, or period.

She always used to tell me that if our relationship was meant to be, we wouldn’t have had so many struggles. She always said that when your meant to be with someone, that it’s just easy. And while I’m sure you and I know that’s a romantic idea, but not reality, I really did want to give that to her. Her unrealistic notion of love, was bound to set us up for failure. But I really wanted to give it to her. I gave her my life, and made a vow before God to her. I would have given her anything I could have, if I were that powerful. But how do you give someone the impossible? How do you give unblemished perfection?

Her unrealistic expectations were my Goliath, only I’m not David and I kinda suck with a sling shot. I’d be asking Goliath if we could sit and talk it, analyze our differences and find a resolution to better communication or co/habitation.

How do you fight a battle with those rules and conditions and expectations when the reality is, I’m just a woman who will screw up and make mistakes. We all do, we all will. No one will ever be the perfect spouse, ever. Including her.

Grace is a cozy blanket.

Yesterday I had to call a friend for intervention. She’s going through her own crap, but freely gave her time. I was having a moment. I wanted to write her an e/mail and ask if she was willing to live apart, but try again. I felt to ask, just try, that maybe she’s calmed down and would have seen my love for her. Of course, you’re probably wondering why I’d want to go back to someone who said she will kill me, twice. But that’s a part of the blame game. All the things I felt I’ve done wrong to destroy the marriage, surely I could fix. . right? and if I fix them, she would want me back, because she loves me. . . right? And all that would give her the tools she needs to control herself, right?

Wrong.

No matter what anyone says, it’s never OK to threaten your wife like that. She said plenty of things that sent me crying and hurt, I never told her I would kill her.

So my friend gave me the intervention I needed, and reminded me of the previous times I had called crying and hurt. I got through it, and realized she was right. Even if she did come back, things would not change until she sees her part in it all, and wants to change it.

I was doing OK and not ten minutes after hanging up, I got an e/mail from her letting me know she’s retained an attorney, and when she’s having her name taken off utilities. Then she goes on to say how we tried, no one couldn’t say we tried. . Three marriage counselors later. . .

What?

Uhm, we met with one lady 6-7 times until she asked my wife if she’d ever been evaluated for bi-polar disorder. She was so mad, she refused to go back. Then I found a woman pastor, and we met with her twice. . That was it. 8/9 marriage counseling sessions was giving it the best shot??? I mean, they helped. They did. But how can she expect that two people learning about each other an hour a week, and busy the rest, that was all of a shot it needed? Really?

I went numb, I started crying and I was sad a majority of the night. I slept a little, but kept waking up thinking about her. A good friend talked me through some of it, and tried to remind me that no matter what, I will survive this mess.

Despite I started crying this morning when I was reminded how we picked our Christmas tree last year, and we laughed as the boys loaded it into the truck. I’ll miss laughing as a family.

So Friday, here I come. I have swollen eyes, I’m a wreck and broken . . but here I come.

Just please, be gentle and help me find my way.

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