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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – It’s Only Day 5

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, single, vows, women on April 9, 2011 at 6:15 am

I know people mean well, but I have to say it does me no good to hear “You’re going to meet someone who deserves you.” . . . “There’s someone out there for you.” . . . “You’re a great girl, there’s a lot of women who would want to be with you.” . . .

Again, I know people mean well but SHE is the one I thought was out there for me, SHE is the one I thought wanted to be with me, SHE is the one. . .I thought.

I made a vow before God and took her as my wife. I can’t even take off my ring, let alone think of another woman. In fact, when I made that vow to her ( at Edgefield, McMenamins. . . in December when it was crazy freaking cold) I meant every word I said. And to even THINK about touching another woman, makes me feel like I’m cheating.

So please, I ask you nicely with a cherry on top even, stop suggesting such things. . . Because it hurts.

In fact, I think she may have already got her eyes set on someone, or something. Lately she’s been saying she wants a baby, and she knows I can’t carry anymore. She can’t carry herself, she had a hysterectomy a few years back. So I’m thinking she’s looking for someone who can give her that. Nevermind that she said she always wanted a boy, and with me she got 4. Nevermind 2 of them call her Mom, and nevermind I let my apprehensions down and allowed her into their life because I trusted her not to hurt my children.

Let alone, not to hurt me.

When she pushed me away, she pushed us all away. When she walked out on me, she walked out on our family. She left 5 hurting people behind who are confused, love her and are all hurting.

I mean, I know it’s a lot to take on. . . But she made a choice to. And I thought I could trust her. They thought they could trust her.

I slept 4 hours last night before I woke up. I laid awake thinking about her, wondering where she was and who she might be with. I tried to fall back to sleep and only got maybe another hour. So instead of sleeping in (or at least pretending to) I’m awake at 7 am and sick with the feeling that I don’t have her with me, another day my children don’t have the person they trusted to be there.

The smell of her hair is starting to fade on that stupid pillow.

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