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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Pills and Photos

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, netfix, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, single, vows, women on April 9, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I just got off the phone with a friend. I actually called her for another reason, but as soon as she asked how I was, I broke down.

Of course.

We talked for awhile about her, the wife. How I feel I messed up because my love wasn’t string enough to break through her own fears, apprehensions and walls. But I realize, that wasn’t really my job. She needed to find the strength the work through them, for herself. . us.

It reminded me how when I begged the wife to stay when she told me she was leaving, a few months ago. We both agreed to get counseling and seek medication if needed. She found both, right away. I was still seeing the counselor she refused to see as a couple, because the counselor suggested she might be bi-polar. I was looking for a psych, but went to my Dr instead.

Prior to that, a few of my Drs suggested Paxil, due to depression. The wife is convinced I need Paxil. The only thing is, I was depressed because of the struggles in my marriage. So, I chose my marriage and tried the Paxil. I’ll admit, I had a panic attack taking it, I always freak about pills. But I truly had side effects from it, called the Dr and she said not to take anymore.

I was open to trying others, but I’ll be honest. . . I’m not sure a pill was the answer. It wouldn’t fix things. If my wife needed me to stop crying every 5 minutes, she needed to stop being hurtful. If she didn’t like the anxiety level, she needed to make it safe for me to express myself without threats of divorce. I mean, come on. . . taking a pill to sedate me from reacting to her comments and rejection. . was that really the answer?

So while I did continue counseling, I felt the pills just weren’t the answer. I needed to explore my feelings, make sense of them and move on. It’s what has always helped me grow.

She also claimed I was too OCD. OK, germs freak me out. You won’t see me picking food up until my hands are clean. You won’t see me grab a door handle in flu season and I easily gross out if someone is cooking and leaves the food out past 2 hours at room temp. She always said it drove her crazy, but what I saw as common sense, she saw as crazy.

Of course, every relationship has differences in each other, and I certainly put up with my share of hers. But I liked the differences. Not the actions themselves, but just the fact we had some. It meant we were a normal couple like the million others out there. Only, she could never see that fitting into her Cinderella world view. And she could never see differences being a good thing. We share a lot of the core beliefs, but she was so focused on the differences, the other things just didn’t matter.

I guess what I’m coming to, is that she wanted me to fix myself, then fix her so I could keep rowing the boat with one oar. But. . . who was taking care of me? Really taking care of me?

In fact, a few months back I sent her an e/mail asking her what I could do to make her happy. She sent me a list, but never asked me. When I pointed it out, at least twice, she responded “what do you need” . . . My list?

“Hold my hand, and be my best friend.”

No long list, no specific formula that has rotating ingredients to work. Just, hold my hand and be my best friend.

My friend pointed out, I really need to start taking care of myself. Not in the way to benefit everyone else, but in the way that takes care of me.

She said she keeps a photo of herself as a child on the fridge. It’s something she did during a break-up. Every time she had those feelings of wanting to go back, or felt the hurt, she looked at the photo. It’s easier, she says, to see ourselves as vulnerable children. It’s easier to want to protect ourselves.

I’m going to give a try. Maybe I’ll learn how to start protecting myself, instead of being consumed with trying to save her.

Damn I hope it helps.

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