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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – As The Mind Turns

In Break-up, children, civil unions, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Netflix, news, parenting, portland oregon, single, women on April 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

It’s Sunday night @ 2am and I can’t sleep. I tried to go to bed around 10:30, but I’ve done nothing but toss and turn.

I finally gave in to my need for noise, and have the first season of Glee playing on Netflix. I miss her snoring. It used to give me an odd peace. Knowing she was there, actually helped me sleep.

I’ve also been replaying our argument on Tuesday. It’s on mental loop in my head, and I’ve been trying to figure out how someone I love so damn much, could stand in my face the way she did, and yell the things she did.

Despite the fact I was in a crappy mood that day, nothing. .absolutely nothing I said or did deserved her flipping out the way she did. Yes, I was angry. I mean, she watched me haul laundry in the rain and didn’t even offer to help, and yes I was pissy about it. But nothing I said deserved her standing up into my face and yelling, saying the things she said.

At one point I said “I hope you enjoy your job while you have it.” I shouldn’t have said it, but all that screaming. .literally in shouting in my face, and the things she said. Knowingly playing on every insecurity I have about me, and my children. I just said whatever I could to hit her insecurity back. I asked her to step away so many times, why didn’t she just walk away?

Why did she have to escalate the argument? She left me no choice but to have the police ask her to leave.

Didn’t she care how much it broke my heart to have to do that?

Didn’t she care enough to not pull out every thing she could say to pierce my heart? I mean, come on. I was upset about laundry. Laundry! Couples argue. About money, chores, time. . a lot of things. But that’s no reason to react the way she did. To say the things she did. To want to hurt me with the words that she did.

I trusted her with my life.

What did I do to make her feel OK to hurt me like that?

It’s eating at me. It’s keeping me awake. It’s breaking my heart. It’s making me hurt.

It’s making me think I’m broken.

The littlest dude has his first school musical tomorrow. He asked if she’ll be there. I told him no, it’s her work day anyhow. He said to me he wished the fight never happened and wished he could change it so that she still lived with us.

I told him I did too. I wish I could change it.

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