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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Want.

In children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, single, women on April 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I feel like I’m writing a lot today. I am. But I really want to get stuff out when it hits me. Instead of walking around with it like a bad hair day.

Right now I’m sitting on the floor in the living room with my back against the wall. Perfect physical position for how I’m feeling emotionally.

I’ve been back to thinking of every moment, every event that either I feel I could have responded differently and she hurt me.

I’m between blaming myself for not being perfect, and angry at her for expecting me to be.

I can almost hear her say “I’m not happy. You don’t make me feel special. You don’t make me. . you don’t make me. . ” followed with her proclamation of “I don’t think you’ll be happy until you’re alone. I don’t think anyone can make you happy.”

She rolled her truck on the ice on the way home, a few months back. I wanted to be at the hospy so bad that night. But the boys were in bed, and it was literally so icy you couldn’t set foot out the door. I was a nervous wreck awaiting word.

I’m mentioning this, because she was also hit by a drunk driver previously. Just a few years before she rolled her truck.

Thankfully, the by the grace of God she was OK when she rolled her truck. But after the dust settled, I was so scared she was going to leave me. She tends to take big moments like that as a sign for a second and better chance. I wanted her to come home and be thankful she had a family at home who were thankful for her life. I wanted her to come home, maybe realize just how much I love her.

But I knew the chances were, she would use that moment to decide she wanted more than she had, and without me. From some of the details she has shared of her life experiences, big events tend to make her unsettled and feel like she’s missing out, instead of seeing what she has.

She had me. She had the boys. She had a family. She had, still has, our love.

I’m a pain in the ass, I know. I can analyze, till the cows come home. Drove her crazy. She always said we should just “be”. But I knew she came into the relationship with some baggage, do did I, and I wanted her to know that I was gonna be the girl that would talk it out with her. Even when I was the one who was scared.

The boys didn’t need to hear us fight, and I never wanted them to. There were times though, she would say something so damn hurtful then just expect me to sit with it all day. She couldn’t fight fair to save her life.

I want her to hold me, tell me she loves me, tell me she wants us to find our way and that it doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but we will.

I want to stop hurting.

I want this all to be a bad dream.

I want my wife.

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