My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Dear Diary, It’s Been A Week Now. .

In children, civil unions, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, portland oregon, single, women on April 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Today makes a week since I asked her to leave the apt.

It’s hard, I’m surrounded by the echoes of memories and the very present sound of my thoughts. Both of which, I could use a break from.

I cried in the store again. Some random person walked up and hugged me. Then I came home and cried some more.

I’ve recognized that I’m both glad she’s gone, and grieving the loss. Let me explain. .

There are moments I blame myself. If only I hadn’t made her mad. . If only I hadn’t made such a big deal about whatever. . If only. . If only. . then she wouldn’t have felt this way, or reacted that way. . Because I do love her and I wanted so badly to make a life with her. Including all the work it was going to take.

But then, it’s nice that I don’t have to be subject to her constant threats of divorce when I’d be irritated or hurt over the towels on the floor or something she said. It’s almost a relief in a way, no matter how bad I’m hurting, that I don’t have to prove myself and my love today.

But that’s where I get a little stuck. Because I’m relieved, yet sad because I wanted to move beyond those places. . with her.

I go between mass guilt and blame, to being angry and hurt that she gave up and quit on her family. She walked out on her family. She emotionally abandoned us before she did physically, put us through so much pain and then left a huge mess of pain and hurt behind.

There’s no integrity in that.

No matter what justifications she used to get out of keeping her word.

There just isn’t.


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