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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – She Simply

In children, civil unions, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, portland oregon, single, Uncategorized, women on April 12, 2011 at 11:44 pm

The feeling of isolation is overwhelming. I never would have moved to this community if I knew this was going to happen.

She promised to always take care of us when I moved here.

Today I thought a lot about what happened. I realize in my head that there is really nothing I could have done to make her stay. She simply didn’t want to.

There is nothing I could have done to make her try to work on our marriage. She just didn’t want to.

There is nothing I could have done to make her want me. She just doesn’t.

I wondered what it was, what I did. Honestly, there is nothing I did to warrant this big of a reaction. I apologized when I screwed up and thought I hurt her. I even really tried to stop whatever it was that pisses her off, to back it up. To the point that I would just keep things to myself if I knew any confrontation would upset her. Though, I wasn’t always good at it. I know I screwed up. I got fed up, and hurt and I did get angry and slam a door. But none of those things are unforgivable, and if you truly want to work something out, you will.

I suspect one of two things:

She met someone. I don’t think she’s physically cheated, but I think she’s gotten involved emotionally with someone. I suspect it’s someone she feels is her chance at happiness, her own child, and safety. If it’s what happened, she’s confided in this person the issues at home, and the person said all the things she wanted to hear. Which just made me look worse and worse of a fit for her. Because she was kissing me a week and one day ago, I’d really hope this is the least likely reason. There were some suspicious signs, not to mention a few things she said to me.

Or

The more she talked about how bad she thinks I am to her co-workers, the more they agree with her, and the worse her life looks. I say this, because I saw her do it with them over the phone when they called to talk about their problems. It’s a dynamic that’s understandable, but not good for the personal relationships outside the institution.

I also think she sees us as a failure. She wanted to buy us a house, with a yellow dog in the yard. But we’re in an apt in a town I despise. She hates failure. I know when she met me, single mom with 4 boys at home, that she wanted to rescue us. She had a plan of action and tried to set it in motion. When things didn’t work out, and I was depressed over this town, she took it as she failed.

I didn’t care though. All I needed was her hand in mine and to be as patient with me as she was asking me to be with her. As a family, it was all we needed.

Maybe it didn’t fit into her plan, but it was all I could ask for. . love.

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