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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Today I

In attorneys, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, single, women on April 13, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Today I cried in the office of a woman who counseled my wife and I. She only met us a couple of times, but she had some amazing observations about my wife. Her thoughts actually echoed those of our original marriage counselor, in that both observed her being verbally aggressive, sarcastic and carrying around a lot of anger that has nothing to do with me at all. I figured if 2 people who saw us together, observed it, there must be something to it.

I know she is angry. Issues with her childhood, loss through death, accident, surgery, insecurity of those loyal to her. . It goes on.

Of course, I was willing to love her through it, but all of it transpired onto me. She already set me up for failure before I even met her. But, she’s my wife. I would have stood by her until we were wheeled around in chairs. When I told her I loved her, I meant all of her. The beauty, the pain. . all of her.

She wanted a pain free life. Void of
criticism, let downs and hurt. The only problem is, she’s so on the defense that anything I said, she took as a personal hit. I can’t fix that. No matter how many egg shells I walk on.

Example: She made dinner. She used hamburger buns, apparently from the freezer. I believe she defrosted them in the micro, but I’m not sure. . Anyways, I asked “what’s wrong with the buns?”. Just making light of the state of affairs that the buns looked like they had taken a kick ass session. But instead of telling me they were frozen, she a told me I was being critical of her and I hurt her feelings.

That is what I was up against. I felt bad she took it personal, but anything could set her off. Looking back to when I first met her, I could see it now. She was already hyper sensitive. That’s not me, that’s not my fault. But it’s easier for her to believe I’m psychologically unstable, and justify her leaving rather than face her things head on. She’ll blame me for her stress, insecurity and hurt. But I’m not. She already had that. I loved her through it though. And it makes me sad, because I love her. I don’t want her to keep running.

Now, I’m going to tell you what I did today.

I found a really cool group of women, who are all parents. Some of them, have children with disabilities. Which is great, because I do too. The even more cool part? They’re all lesbians, like me. So new friends, who can relate to me on more than just one level.

I. Am. So. Excited!

That’s not to say I can’t relate to any parent, I can. But to meet women who know the obstacles of being gay AND patenting children with disabilities? Uhm, COOL!

Also, management came in today. We discussed some really cool changes to the apt. I’m excited. Things are going to look great when they’re done. It kinda gave me a sense of belonging. Something I’ve not had in quite a bit.

I’ve also stepped on a scale yesterday. Now, I don’t recommend a “crying all the damn time” diet. . But I’ve lost serious weight. It feels good.

I still cried masses today, and I probably will tomorrow.

It’s OK. .

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  1. If you two are as in love as you sound, things will get better bewtween you and your wife. Things are bound to– you can’t separate two people who are halves of a whole, right?

    • That’s what I think too. But, I think it’s become just one half trying to make it whole. I love her, and wish it would work out, but the keyword here is “I”. She’s spent so much time thinking things are bad, she has spiraled into that mindset where every single offense isn’t see for the molehill it is. They’ve become mountains. It’s just how she’s fixated her mind, to justify her leaving. She’s lost sight of us.

      • I’ve did the same thing. I would work myself up over nothing just to justify leaving a situation or person and come to see that it was all a big mistake. I really do know what you’re going through. Not the divorce part, but losing such a big part of yourself. It’s tough to get through. I’m here for you if you would ever need to talk!

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