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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Sleep, What?

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, women on April 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm

This waking up between 4 & 5am crap has got to stop. It’s exhausting. It’s like clock work, though I have no idea why. Nothing used to take place between those hours when she was home, so I’m not sure what the deal is.

I’m still haunted by her, yet starting to find a little bit of my smile again. The boys and I are still off kilter, and they keep asking why she doesn’t want to see them.

I tried explaining to them that she probably does, just can’t right now. My 10yr old struggles with that, as I’m sure they all do.

The first thing I asked of her, was if anything happened to us, that she would not drop out of their lives. She promised she wouldn’t, but she also promised a lot of other things that she’s not keeping her word on, to me or the children. I don’t know what to expect anymore. I just know it hurts, because I know it’s hurting them.

Someone uttered the dreadful “You’ll find someone else.” line last night. I just smiled and let it go. I just didn’t know what to say. It’s almost as crappy to say to someone who’s hurting and left behind in the aftermath of loss, as shrugging it off and saying “Eh, don’t worry. They’re replaceable.” I know their intentions are good, but it stings.

I decided to make a few changes to the apt. and it’s starting to feel more cozy. Maybe I’m trying to chase out the ghosts of memories left behind. If I change the space, I change the thought. . . right? I know it’s a long shot, but it can’t hurt.

I can still hear her come through the door after work though, or remind me not to mess her hair up when I hugged her on the way out. I miss those moments of her coming into or leaving the room. Not sure what I can do to help chase those ghosts out, perhaps time itself is the best.

I’m kinda sad that I’m forgetting the smell of hair though. Some things time doesn’t heal, but instead it robs.

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  1. When my mom died thirteen months ago, I noticed folks saying like, “At least she’s in heaven now.” Wow, that’s a comforting thought to this Jew! There were a lot of other things people said in an effort to be kind. I tried to bear in mind that they meant well, but it was really, really hard.

    What really did help was when people said, “I am so sorry for your loss” or–even more simply–“I’m sorry.” Sometimes, things are too sad to be healed with a cliche. In that case, why is it so wrong to just leave it at, “I’m sorry”? By the time we’re adults, we’re old enough to know that peace comes in time.

    Along that vein? I’m sorry.

  2. You’re right. I hate that. “You’ll find someone who loves you and deserves you”. Blah. How hard is it for people to understand that it doesn’t matter if we find someone who loves us? That it was us, who loved them? It’s hard to picture truly loving someone else when we loved the other person so much. It doesn’t even matter if someone else loves us. That’s the problem. And I’ve been guilty of it.
    It’s not a bad thing to want to just be alone and think about the decisions we’ve made and the lives that we lived. Especially when we think they’ve turned out to be lies. Only time will heal…even if it leaves scars behind.

    • Agreed!!!! I know that you know how much I loved her. I think I sang enough of her praises to you when I met her.

      I know though, as time moves and I see how truly unpretty she is from the inside out, I’m realizing “yeah, I can do better” . . Now the thing is, I’m not gonna even think about it right now. I won’t repeat that mistake, though life holds no promises. But I’ll go in slower, eyes wide open and def take the time for the newness ware off before I even think of packing up.

      And next time, I’m totally going Penske.

  3. Penske’s a good choice! 🙂

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