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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Just Give Me The Chocolate Now.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, grief, homosexuality, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, single, women on April 23, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I’m stuck. I am somewhere between the fact I love her, and I am angry with her. I have no idea what this place is called, other than “stuck”.

She hasn’t kept the promises she, well… promised.

She promised so much, the most important that she would never do anything to hurt the children. However, that last argument we had, she screamed that she would take everything away from me and my 4 “illigetimate” children and leave us penniless on a street corner. I can’t get that out of my head. It is what keeps me stuck. This woman, who promised to love and care for us, now yelling how she wants to destroy my family.. our family. It makes me hurt and feel betrayed. Not just for myself, but for all the things she promised the boys. My 10yr old keeps asking me to make good on her promises, things she promised him before she left. I told him I would try and do my best. It just adds to the feelings of betrayal of her promises and the trust we had.

Another thing I can’t seem to get out of my mind, is that day when we got into an argument. I came back into the apt after the things she said to me in the laundry room. I walked into the bedroom, and she was standing against the wall. She was on the phone with someone, quietly talking and seemed to be smilling. I was crying and devastated after all the things she said, and she was standing there quietly talking into the phone like it was no big deal.

It makes me feel all conflicted and hurt all over again. Because the woman who screamed awful things at me, I have loved. The things she says and believes about me, breaks my heart. I could never seem to make her understand that.

I have come to understand that there is no greater hurt, than that inflicted by someone you love. Though writing this, I’m starting to wonder though, if she ever even loved me at all. If she did, I can’t imagine how she could have said the things she did, and done the things she has done, and is doing. I’d like to think she did at some point. But I can’t resonate in my mind how you can love someone as much as she claimed she loved me and my children, then say the things she said about my children that day. Of all the things in this world to use against me, to hurt me…  

Shit. How much more confusing is it to be hurt by someone you love, that you think doesn’t even give a crap about you?

It’s like a 3 layered conflict of emotions. How many levels of heartbreak do I have to endure before I get to the fnal place of healing?

Do they even make enough chocolate for this?

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  1. Illegitimate? That is a horrible, horrible thing even to read, so I can’t imagine what it was like to hear it from a loved one. My son is “illegitimate,” but even the most casual strangers in my life would shudder to use the word “illegitimate.” What he is is a deeply loved, beautiful little boy whose parents weren’t married. How on earth does that reflect on his character?

    Ugh. I’m so sorry. I look forward to the other side of this ordeal, and send my love to you and your little ones, who deserve to be loved for their merits, not decried for something so meaningless and uninformative as to their hearts.

    • Ya know, it really hurt. Exactly what she was going for. The sad part is, those boys love her and have accepted her, faults and all. It broke my heart to hear her exploit them, to hurt me.

      What a complete ass.

  2. I think it’s beyond terrible that she would mistreat your children. I never understood how a parent could do that. It’s not fair to the kids. I know what you mean about not getting how she can say those things to you, destroy your soul with her nasty words, and then talk to someone else on the phone like it’s nothing. My ex did that to me all the time. Even the night we decided we were going to get a divorce right after we agreed that it was the best thing, he turned on the car radio and started talking to me about his day like it was nothing. Like it was any conversation. I couldn’t believe it, but at the same time, I could. I get the whole, wondering if she ever really loved you in the first place, but do yourself a favor, save some sanity, don’t ask yourself those questions. Even if you came to some kind of conclusion, it’s not going to change what you’re going through and feeling now. The past is the past. Leave it there. Don’t revisit it and don’t ask questions about it. Push forward, one day at a time, take it at face value, focus on the kids and yourself. You’ll get through this. I know you will.

    • Isn’t it just bizarre how people can do that? Just snap from one emotion to the other. . I remember when we were arguing that morning (the argument I went back home and gave her a hug) Well before I left the house to take the boys to school, while I was crying, she just turned her attitude to something she saw on CMT at work. It was so weird feeling. . Just, like that.

      And I know you’re right about not asking myself. . It’s just so damn easy to get into that thinking process. I’m trying to create closure, where there is none. It’s such a funk.

      Was/is your ex in a profession that contributes to his ability to just turn on a dime?

  3. I agree with the comment above…Don’t question whether she loved you or not – it will drive you crazy and you will never get an answer (or the answer you would want to hear).
    I am deeply sorry you are going through this. I hope you find peace soon.

    • Self induced crazy seems to have been the theme of my relationship with her, at times.

      It’s easy to ask myself all the things I want to ask her. I wish I had the closure. With all the legal stuff, it seems I’m only hearing all the things she says to her attorney.

      I hope I find peace soon too. It comes in waves. It helps I’m starting to create my own space in the apt. I almost want to buy some hideous form of art. Something I know she would have freaked about.. just because I can. What else says “mine” like a Chia Pet collection, displayed under Dogs Playing Poker. . on velvet?

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