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Archive for May, 2011|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Gloria Gaynor and My Imaginary Jaguar

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on May 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

This week I’ve been feeling a bit stronger. The last two days, I’ve been trying to get my inner Gloria Gaynor on.

The wife wrote me emails a few days ago. She wrote some very moving words that stirred up the sediment that’s been settling. In fact, the emails made me cry for a good portion of the night.

I actually do feel awful she’s hurting to the degree she claims. I actually do feel for her. It hurts to know that my wife might be hurting, at all. But I know I spent many nights just hurting like hell, and I don’t think she gave me a second thought. It makes it difficult to pull that grace deep within me, and just hand it out. To just extend it without hesitation or fear. I know I cannot let my emotions rule my steps right now. I need to cling to logic, and reality. The reality is, the letters never really once mentioned me, but rather essentially stating “I miss you, but. . . “, “I take full responsibility, but. . . ” and “I’m sorry, but. . .”

I’m not invalidating her words, and what they mean to her. I’m just thinking that what I’m feeling doesn’t really fit into her equation.

I woke up, again…..as always, between 4-5am. This time I clearly woke up hurting. The things she said in her letters found me wishing I could just ultimately heal everything wrong with the mess of what’s left of our marriage, with a hug. But reality set in just as quick, and I asked myself if I would even want to, if the opportunity was there.

Part of me wants to, I do love her (the woman I married) The other part of me .. not so much. I really don’t miss those nights I felt so alone with her lying next to me. Just wishing she would hold me, kiss me. . . notice me.

I’m not sure when the love I have for her as my wife, will disappear. I’m not sure when those moments of grief will eventually make a turn, and my marriage will be a distant thought. . . a memory, my past.

I wish that moment would come sooner than later. I am really tired of missing something I’m not sure I even had in the first place.

It kinda feels like looking at the empty driveway, and being really sad that shiny Jaguar of yours was stolen.

Only, you never owned one.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Little Song, A Little Dance *Updated

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Pears, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, wedding, women on May 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I remember, in a romantic gesture, I had compiled all the songs that were a virtual soundtrack to our love onto a CD. Hearing one of those songs now, makes me turn the station. But I miss being able to listen to those songs without them being tainted by memories.

I remember that night I was able to finally get my wife to at least attempt a slow dance with me to one of those songs. She can’t dance. Which is cool, but I sure would have loved it if she would have made more of an effort at times. I’m a mush ball for that stuff.

Since all this crap has taken place, I’m finding some songs just say it best. Instead of a romantic CD, I’m compiling my “Gee this sucks, I’m gonna cry and you’re a . . . ” CD.

My songs:

Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik . . This song is so perfect, it’s my anthem to this whole mess.

Here’s A Quarter (call someone who cares) – Travis Tritt

Hallelujah – So many covers, but Damien Rice does it for me.

Stronger- Sara Evans

Bee Gees – Jive Talkin’

The Reflex – Duran Duran

You’ll Think Of Me- Keith Urban

I’m sure there’s more to move me, but so far these seem to make me feel less alone knowing someone penned these lyrics. It’s validation the things I feel aren’t so alien.

***. Update

This song is just, too perfect right now.

Hey woman, you got the blues, cos you aint got no one else to use.
There’s an open road that leads nowhere, so just make some miles
Between here and there.
There’s a hole in my head where the rain comes in,
You took my body and played to win,
Ha ha woman it’s a crying shame,
But you aint got nobody else to blame.

[Chorus:]
E-evil woman, e-evil woman, e-evil woman, evil woman

Rolled in from another town,
Hit some gold too hot to settle down,
But a fool and his money soon go separate ways,
And you found a fool lyin in a daze,
Ha ha woman what you gonna do,
You destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you,
It’s so good that you’re feeling pain,
But you better get your face on board the very next train.

[Chorus: Repeat]

Evil woman how you done me wrong,
But now you’re tryin to wail a different song,
Ha ha funny how you broke me up, you made the wine now you
Drink the cup,
I came runnin every time you cried,
Thought I saw love smilin in your eyes,
Ha ha very nice to know, that you aint got no place left to go.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Audible Sunshine

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Netflix, news, Pain, parenting, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on May 26, 2011 at 9:39 pm

*insert really loud yell, scream, and some stomping up and down in frustration.*

Tuesday night the wife and I came to an agreement.

*insert flying pigs and ice skating across hell*

It’s a little short of what I was asking for, but it’s a help. I’m still not going to be left with much, but anything at this point helps. So by the end of June, I will be a single woman.

I’m still pretty sad about the loss of the woman I married (not the one who I filed divorce against. . same person, different people) and I know it’s gonna take time, but I’m working on it.

I did learn today that stupid love songs still make me cry, so I had to turn the radio off in the car today. And I found myself tearing up from time to time today. A far cry (no pun intended) from where I was a month ago, but I’m looking forward to the days I can just roll through a day without tears, thoughts or that pang that punches you a little when you hear a song.

I’m still unable to sleep in the bed all night, though I did take a nap on it the other day. I’m really hoping I can get past the memories and be the only person in the bed eventually.

Then I get all conflicted with feelings of being pissed off at her again, when I’ve been struggling financially this week. With just a few dollars lining my pocket, I’m stressed about groceries. I had to borrow those few dollars, as it is. And then going over my bills today, I found I’m going to be left with maybe 100.00 for the ENTIRE month, after paying bills. That 100 is somehow magically supposed to expand to buy gas, groceries, laundry money and co/payments.

Just thinking about it makes me a mess of feelings. Emotional soup, minus those little oyster crackers that have nothing to do with oysters.

The boys have been home from school all week. What started out as allergies, turned into full blown asthma. The 9yr old is the one who has constant asthma maintenance (they added a new daily medication, which will hopefully help) while the others seem to be allergy related. The boys still tried to eat waffles with chopsticks while the 10yr old marched around the house with oven mitts on his feet. It’s things like that, that just make it all wonderful, and somehow not care I haven’t had a moment alone in 6 days. I miss feeling that way.

It seems when I was still living with her, that constant feeling of not being good enough really robbed me of a lot of joy I used to have in a lot of aspects of my life. It’s nice to find my joy again in oven mitt foot coverings, despite the financial and emotional roller coaster of divorce.

The boys also discovered Mr. Bean on Netflix (I cancelled cable a long time ago) and hearing those boys belly laugh, really makes for a good day.

It’s like, audible sunshine.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Updates

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I’ve had a very long week. Not to mention the rapture was/is supposed to happen today. It seems like a fitting way to end this week. I just read the church predicting the day received millions in donations. What a marketing/fundraising strategy. I don’t remember learning that in business class.

I’m so suing the college for an inferior education.

Let me start venting about my son. He is scheduled to have surgery the 16th of next month, to remove the growth which is also causing incredible headaches. Literally. I don’t agree with the date, but I promised my son I’d respect his reasons and privacy so I can’t really talk about why it has to wait until the 16th. But I have to say I’m really unhappy with the people behind the reasons why it has to wait.

My wife and I are scheduled to go to court this coming week. Our first court hearing. I pretty much relented on everything, save asking for a small amount of support a month (the exact amount she promised and agreed to provide) for a year, and my half of the amended taxes. She’s now claiming she doesn’t have the resources to provide support. So I’m left wondering two things. First, if she doesn’t have the resources, how was she planning to provide this when she made an agreement with me, to provide it before? And secondly, if she lacks the resources to provide it, how does she seemingly have the resources to pay more in legal fees, than I’ve asked for in support?

If she really loves the children, as she’s stated before several people, and considered them her own, then how can she use the money for legal fees instead of following through on her word to “not abandon or screw you (us) over” ?

It just doesn’t add up.

So this week a judge will decide.

Also, this is the second month she’s claimed that the bank states it hasn’t received my van payment. It’s in her name, but I’ve made every single payment, per our verbal agreement, when the van was purchased. Yet, no actual dates the bank states this are ever provided, and honestly the allegations have all been to my advantage. So, we’ll see how June plays out.

She’s also demanding to drop the boys from health insurance, despite when I agreed to move up here it was understood in conversation I’d have to find the boys new health care providers. She knew at the time we entered the children into the care of vital providers (vital to their care) that they only accepted her health care, and without it the boys wouldn’t be able to continue treatments. She made those agreements with me, those providers and essentially the children’s well being. What.A.Mess.

The only promise she seems to be working at trying to keep, is the last one she made when she yelled she would leave me and my 4 (illegitimate) children on a corner, penniless and begging.

Classy.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Reflex

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 21, 2011 at 12:27 am

I have so much to talk about, and I’m going to.

For this very moment though, this song perfectly words everything.

Lyrics:

“You’ve gone too far this time”
But I’m dancing on the valentine
I tell you somebody’s fooling around
With my chances on the dangerline
I’ll cross that bridge when I find it
Another day to make my stand
High time is no time for deciding
If I should find a helping hand

CHORUS
So why don’t you use it?
Try not to bruise it
Buy time don’t lose it
The reflex is an only child he’s waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

I’m on a ride and I want to get off
But they won’t slow down the roundabout
I sold the Renoir and the TV set
Don’t want to be around when this gets out

CHORUS

Oh the reflex what a game he’s hiding all the cards
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Dunno

In Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 16, 2011 at 5:20 am

I have no clue what’s going on with me today. I feel like I’m on the verge of freaking tears.

I miss her and then I try to remind myself how she made me feel. It’s the only thing keeping me in check.

I was thinking about the last good day we hung out together. Even then she was acting all weird, I guess I saw it then. I just tried to pretend it was me. But I still tear up remembering the day. I wish I wasn’t seeing the things I am about it. I wanted that to be a good memory, I wanted to keep it.

It’s really amazing the amount of stuff I allowed myself to overlook, because I hoped.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Wedding And A Funeral

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, wedding, women on May 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Anyone who has seen Four Weddings And A Funeral, remembers the poem Funeral Blues. If you haven’t, then you’ve missed one of the most poignant pieces of work that describes love, loss and the emotion birthed when love and loss collide.

I could write out some eloquent description of that emotion, but the shortest path to describe the feeling is that it sucks.

Immensely.

I remember when I first heard that grief during divorce was a lot like grief in the loss of a loved one. I thought that to be a rather bold comparison. The two seemed incomparable. In one, your loved one is gone with a finality that you have no control over. Divorce, well in my ignorance, I thought people had some control over that loss and that controlled loss was a whole other ballpark of rules to grieving.

Almost 11 years ago, I lost a son. He was born 4 months after I learned he wasn’t going to live, but he was a conjoined twin to my surviving son (the 10yr old – almost 11) The boys were suffering from a form of Twin Reversed Arterial Perfusion. One of the complications was the surviving twins heart was working for both. I was left in wonder if my other son would live as well. It was, without a doubt, some of the most emotionally difficult months of my life.

While the events are vastly different, I’m finding I’ve learned a lot since I first winced at the idea divorce could toss you into the same ocean of loss. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter what loss people may face. We are all still forced into dealing with the same crappy cycle of grief no matter how loss makes it’s way into our lives. We all hurt, cry, get angry, feel betrayed, cheated and whatever other emotion that may kick us in the ass while we’re down.

With my pregnancy, I grieved the loss of my child long before the final Good-Bye of giving birth and his funeral. Though, I have the continual hope that he lives eternal.

In my in my marriage, I’ve come to see that I was grieving the loss of a lot of dreams long before I was forced into filing the only final Good-Bye that the ending of any marriage is allowed – divorce.

Through this, I can’t help but acknowledge that divorce really is the equivalent of a funeral. The process of divorce works out a way to grieve the passing of hopes, dreams, promises, unity and a way to finalize that loss.

For what it’s worth, as much as I understand all of this, Good-Byes really still suck.

This is the poem from the movie:

Funeral Blues

by W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with the juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and, with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin. Let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message: “He is dead!”
Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves.
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south, my east and west,
My working week and Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can come to any good.

This is the moving reading from the movie:

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Barely Breathing

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 11, 2011 at 6:13 am

I’m lying awake with a million things on my mind. But the only thing I can hear is this song.

I remember the nights I’d lay in bed, next to her, yet being so far apart. This song would play like a soundtrack in my mind, an anthem to the loneliness I’d feel. I really don’t miss that feeling, but I miss her.

How is it possible to miss someone that really inflicted some of the most hurtful moments in my life? It’s like saying I miss walking around with shards of glass in my shoe.

I’m probably all contemplative about those nights, tonight, because I cried when I tried laying in the bed this evening. Apparently I’m not quite at “sleeping in the bed without her at least physically present” status.

This.

Sucks.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Grieve

In Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on May 9, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Today was the day our attorneys were to appear in court, and tomorrow was the day we were to have our attorney represented hearing on her contesting the restraining order that I filed against her.

Last week her attorney proposed we continue the restraining order, so she isn’t contesting it now. Most likely because if she contested it, and lost, it could have impact on her job.

She believes I filed it to be “vindictive” as she stated in court the first time. No, I really did file it because she stated she would kill me. She admits in the police report she said it, but says I shouldn’t have taken it literally. I don’t know how else to take it when someone is yelling, threatening and hurting.

It was not even close to easy to file the order against her or file for divorce the very next day. Two things that completely broke my heart, but I knew I had to do. It took more strength to do both of those actions, then it would have taken to stay.

Some people wonder how I can grieve a marriage that had turned so awful. I’m not grieving the loss of that. I’m grieving the woman I loved, and the marriage I entered. Not the woman I’m forced to divorce and walk away from.

I’m grieving that she acts as though the children and I are to be disregarded, and not following through on her promises to take care of the things she said she would. I’m grieving that she felt I wasn’t worth the truth, and that we weren’t worth keeping her promises.

I’m grieving that I thought I could even save her to begin with. It wasn’t my fight, it had to be hers. She needs to learn to be whole on her own. How many more lives will she leave in her path, before she gets that. . before she faces her demons head on and stops trying to self medicate with the love and praise of others?

I could allow myself to get angry, and get stuck. But that’s not going to heal. I want to heal. I need that allowance for myself. And to heal, I need to grieve.

So….I grieve.

I Grieve — Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There’s nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It’s just the way that you would tied in
Now there’s no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
‘so hard to move on
Still loving what’s gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it’s empty empty cage
And i can’t handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what’s gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people i meet
In everyone that’s out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It’s just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did i believe this dream?
Now i can find relief
I grieve

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Good-Bye

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 8, 2011 at 6:01 am

Edgefield Balcony

So I did it. I went to Edgefield today, alone.

I had way too many cups of coffee.

I sat at a booth that she and I had been in before. Though, I think we had been there enough that we had sat in almost all of them at one time or another.

At first, it was a bit hard. I spent more time looking around than I did at the empty seat across from me. But eventually I did, and she wasn’t there.

It made me sad.

After I had been there for some time, I knew what I had to do next. I needed to walk up the stairs, out to the balcony where I said my vows to her, and say good-bye.

It wasn’t easy walking up those stairs. Not just because I am way out of shape, but because the emotion that came flooding back with the memories I shared with her there.

I opened the doors, and walked out onto the balcony. My heart welled up with emotions as my eyes welled up with tears.

I sat down in the first rocking chair, it’s where she sat the last time we had been up there. I just laid my head back, closed my eyes and remembered that day. We stood there, on that balcony, and I vowed before God to love her and always be there for her. She had tears in her eyes, and I in mine. We were shivering from the December cold (though we officially married in September) as I vowed to always love her. It seemed nothing else mattered at that moment. Not the cold, nothing. There was nothing around me, but her. She was all I could see and feel at that moment.

I went back to that night, and I was lost in it while I just sat up on that porch today. I didn’t want to walk away today, knowing that I had gone up there to say good-bye. I just wanted to sit in the memory of that moment as long as I could. So I just sat there, and listened to birds chirping away and the sound of our voices in my mind as I relived that moment in my heart.

When I opened my eyes, and reality came flooding back, I felt as though I was missing something. It all seemed so surreal that there I was, up on that balcony, without my wife and finding closure any way I could to someone I vowed to always love and be present for. I was trying to close a moment in my life, with someone I believed I was going to make many more memories with. It felt like I was betraying every vow I made before God to her, to say good-bye, but I knew if I didn’t I would holding onto something I no longer could.

I got up from the rocking chair, though I didn’t want to. Just knowing she had sat there, gave me a feeling of being able to connect to something that she had touched. Her hauntings are all I really have to connect with anymore, as I go through this process of finding a way to say good-bye.

I walked over to the spot that I stood with my wife, as I uttered those words of love and pure intent to love her before God and all, and I spoke audibly (Thankfully I was the only one on the balcony for this part of the process) as I said; “I wanted to love and respect you forever.” and then I said Good-Bye. I wasn’t always the best at respect, at least in her eyes, but I wanted to respect our love — forever.

I turned, and walked back through the doors and down the stairs without her and without the meaning of the memory that I have held in my heart. I loved you. If nothing else you believe about me, us or anything else know I loved you more than I felt even my heart could contain at times. Sometimes it scared the heck out of me, because I knew if I lost it.. it would have been one of the greatest losses my heart would even have to endure.

Closure can be such a beautiful thing, and such a painful thing. I guess the whole trick is finding beauty in the process of it all. Though, I’ll be honest, beauty is not something I feel a lot of when I am walking though the fire.

Today was one of those memories I wasn’t really ready to say good-bye to just yet. But I knew if I held it in without facing it head on, I might eventually put off dealing with it at all. I can’t sweep dust under the carpet on this, I just can’t.

There are no take-backs, just walk-aways and forced good-byes.

Good-bye memory on the balcony, I love you.