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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I’m Sorry.

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, women on May 6, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I’m sorry…

There is something I should have told you. Or, at least something that I should have posted.

See my wife, posted a comment to one of my blogs. I never approved the comment, because I felt conflicted. Conflicted because I started this blog, to help me process the range of emotions I have been dealing with. Writing to me, is the therapy that heals all. Sometimes, it is easier for me to write things out before I can say them. Or, just say them as I write them out. Either way, this space.. this blog.. is my voice. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share it with allowing her to say something.

I was telling a friend of mine about the comment my wife left. In this comment, she really only had to say.. well, here, let me post it for you: “I never had an affair, or even an emotional affair. There was never anyone else. It has always been important to me that you believe that because it is the truth.”

Yeah, uh huh..

OK.

So of all the postings here, about my pain.. the pain of my children.. the tears, the sleepless nights, the nights I have sat up when a child was crying over her, she wants to make sure I know that she did not cheat because she says so.

No “I’m sorry the children are hurting”, no “Please tell the boys I think of them, and I miss them too.”, no “I’m really sorry things turned out the way they did, and I am sorry I hurt you.”, no “I’m sorry I haven’t kept my word and done the right thing by the boys.”.. No, none of that.

But she really wants me to know she didn’t cheat. Not trying to minimize that, but it’s not exactly the thing my children really need right now.

Not long ago, I told her I was sorry. Not an easy thing to do in the midst of the feelings I have had, and the betrayal I feel. And not words she ever really uttered to me herself. Even when I knew I did not start the argument, or she was being hurtful to me, I would give her those words. Not to just entertain her, or keep the peace, but because whatever inflated reaction/action she was having, I was genuinely sorry she was feeling that way. The recent apology, saying “I’m sorry” was because it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing isn’t always the easiest. But when one has to say “I’m sorry” it isn’t about us. It’s about showing the other person where they stand in our lives. It’s about being humble, it’s about integrity, it’s about caring about others above our pride. I was hoping we could open a communication for us to move forward and find some civil way to work through all of this mess. However, she didn’t acknowledge the e/mail other than she brought it up during the restraining order hearing (the one where the judge told us having our attorney present would be best) that I had apologized. As though this was some admission or proof of guilt. Here, let me post that e/mail for you: (I wrote to her) “I wanted to say I am sorry for responding the way I did during our argument. I could justify it by saying I was hurt by the things you said, but that is really never an excuse. I just wanted to take responsibility for my reaction, and tell you I am sorry.” That is exactly what I wrote. Taking personal responsibility for my reaction to her actions.

I clearly recall the first day I moved in with her, after we married. We were standing in the room, at the foot of the bed. I asked her “Honey, if anything happens to us, promise me you won’t walk away from the lives of the boys.” She promised me. This woman, who told me that her word meant every thing to her, promised me. She also promised she would help pay the bills and not leave us abandoned, should we separate. I don’t know how many times she made that promise. More times than I can count. But now, she wants to make sure she keeps to her word and leave us exactly that, abandoned in a town I moved to because she promised she would take care of us, things and would never leave us without should anything happen between us.

One of my children has been home from school for 3 days now, with one heck of an asthma flare up. The seasonal allregies are just too much to handle at times. The Dr. has him medicated up the hills and back, and I haven’t seen him have such a crappy asthma attack for the past few years now. It’s moments like this, that bring up feelings of abandonment from my wife. It’s the fact she doesn’t even know he is sick, or really even appears to give a crap to know he is, that really is quite upsetting. She doesn’t know, because she never asks about the boys.

Out of it all though, all the broken promises, the one that hurts the most is the way she has done exactly what she said she wouldn’t do. She has literally just walked away from the boys. Watching my children hurt, and grieve and try to process everything going on in their lives – hurts. She had those boys trusting her, calling her Mom and letting her know every day that they have loved her. Yet not once, has she even inquired about how they are doing, or even left a message for them.

My mind keeps asking why…. when did she transition from the child that felt abandoned and betrayed by her own parents, into an adult who does the very same things that wounded her growing up? — Why these children? It’s not even about me, it’s about these boys who have loved her.

Worse part, I know if I even brought it up to her, she would just accuse me of trying to guilt trip her. She can’t see past her actions to realize that maybe, just maybe, it’s not about me trying to hurt her or control her actions. It’s about that which is hurting the boys. She has no idea how heart wrenching it was to watch my 10yr old sit up and cry over how much he loves her, or to hear the teachers tell me that he just comes to school and acts sad ever since all of this has taken place.

I’m just really conflicted. One moment I am feeling stronger and positive, and then the next I am brought to a place where I am forced to face the reality that the things she is doing, really hurts my children and I can’t make it all better for them.

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  1. I believe you can make it better. I don’t believe it will be quick, or easy, and your kids won’t necessarily (easily) have the trust they did before . . . but in time, there will be a new kind of peace and a confidence in what they can find in you.

    Also, I can’t believe that was her sole comment. :/

    • I know, right? I can’t believe as much as she claimed she loved my boys, and that they were always telling her that they love her, that she hasn’t even asked how they are doing. Nothing….

      I don’t know why I am surprised by it as much as I am. But I guess I really believed her, they really believed her, when she said she loved them like her own. I think those boys told her they loved her every single day they saw her, at least once.

      But so far, the only promise she has been following through on, is the last one she yelled at me when she said she was going to leave me and the boys (her words were “4 illegitimate children”) broke and penniless on the street corner. She made so many promises to help with the bills, medical insurance for the boys and so many other things. But so far, all I’ve seen is her trying to get out of it all. Sad thing is, she is hurting no one but the boys. . they deserve so much better.

  2. i know how you feel. when you are with your significant other, they are promising you that they will do this and that, never hurt you, will always make sure things are ok… but the reality of it is, that things can change and re-arrange. i can not even imagine where i would be in life if i were still depending on my ex. things didnt work out between him and i, so i had to learn life all over again for myself. its the best thing that has ever happened to me. now i am secure and independent. you will find your way, God has a plan for you. from now moving forward, just focus of bettering youself for your kids, they depend on you. You are a strong mother… this is just a minor bump in the road of your life. this too, shall pass.

    • You’ve come a far way since you were with your ex. I remember all that he put you through. It’s been such a wodnerful thing to watch your life unfold in the way it has. I know I have told you many times, and I mean it, there were/are a lot of moments I feel so discouraged. But then I think of you, and all you have come to in the past year, and I am inspired. You’ve been a wonderful friend, Thank You for that.

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