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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Good-Bye

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 8, 2011 at 6:01 am

Edgefield Balcony

So I did it. I went to Edgefield today, alone.

I had way too many cups of coffee.

I sat at a booth that she and I had been in before. Though, I think we had been there enough that we had sat in almost all of them at one time or another.

At first, it was a bit hard. I spent more time looking around than I did at the empty seat across from me. But eventually I did, and she wasn’t there.

It made me sad.

After I had been there for some time, I knew what I had to do next. I needed to walk up the stairs, out to the balcony where I said my vows to her, and say good-bye.

It wasn’t easy walking up those stairs. Not just because I am way out of shape, but because the emotion that came flooding back with the memories I shared with her there.

I opened the doors, and walked out onto the balcony. My heart welled up with emotions as my eyes welled up with tears.

I sat down in the first rocking chair, it’s where she sat the last time we had been up there. I just laid my head back, closed my eyes and remembered that day. We stood there, on that balcony, and I vowed before God to love her and always be there for her. She had tears in her eyes, and I in mine. We were shivering from the December cold (though we officially married in September) as I vowed to always love her. It seemed nothing else mattered at that moment. Not the cold, nothing. There was nothing around me, but her. She was all I could see and feel at that moment.

I went back to that night, and I was lost in it while I just sat up on that porch today. I didn’t want to walk away today, knowing that I had gone up there to say good-bye. I just wanted to sit in the memory of that moment as long as I could. So I just sat there, and listened to birds chirping away and the sound of our voices in my mind as I relived that moment in my heart.

When I opened my eyes, and reality came flooding back, I felt as though I was missing something. It all seemed so surreal that there I was, up on that balcony, without my wife and finding closure any way I could to someone I vowed to always love and be present for. I was trying to close a moment in my life, with someone I believed I was going to make many more memories with. It felt like I was betraying every vow I made before God to her, to say good-bye, but I knew if I didn’t I would holding onto something I no longer could.

I got up from the rocking chair, though I didn’t want to. Just knowing she had sat there, gave me a feeling of being able to connect to something that she had touched. Her hauntings are all I really have to connect with anymore, as I go through this process of finding a way to say good-bye.

I walked over to the spot that I stood with my wife, as I uttered those words of love and pure intent to love her before God and all, and I spoke audibly (Thankfully I was the only one on the balcony for this part of the process) as I said; “I wanted to love and respect you forever.” and then I said Good-Bye. I wasn’t always the best at respect, at least in her eyes, but I wanted to respect our love — forever.

I turned, and walked back through the doors and down the stairs without her and without the meaning of the memory that I have held in my heart. I loved you. If nothing else you believe about me, us or anything else know I loved you more than I felt even my heart could contain at times. Sometimes it scared the heck out of me, because I knew if I lost it.. it would have been one of the greatest losses my heart would even have to endure.

Closure can be such a beautiful thing, and such a painful thing. I guess the whole trick is finding beauty in the process of it all. Though, I’ll be honest, beauty is not something I feel a lot of when I am walking though the fire.

Today was one of those memories I wasn’t really ready to say good-bye to just yet. But I knew if I held it in without facing it head on, I might eventually put off dealing with it at all. I can’t sweep dust under the carpet on this, I just can’t.

There are no take-backs, just walk-aways and forced good-byes.

Good-bye memory on the balcony, I love you.

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  1. wow… such a meaningful, beautiful place… its a shame things turned out the way it did, but I do know and believe everything happens for a reason. God, my dear has something in store for you. You have been so strong through the good and bad, and God knows all that you have put up with. Do not feel ashamed that you were not able to stay married forever. We may not see the blessing in the storm right away, but after night rain falls, the sun will shine eventually. Remain optimistic, focused, and have positive people in your life. I can tell something great is going to happen…. only time will tell.

    • Thank You for those words. At times I feel I am on the verge of something big and amazing, and at other times I wonder if I have somehow missed the mark and gotten distracted by the shiny things along the way.

      I am really looking forward to the sunny days you speak of, because the rainy part (as much as it is needed) kinda bites right now. Either way, sunny or rain, I am thankful knowing God is watching over us.. Without Him, my family wouldn’t be able to make it through.

      Again, Thanks for the words. Encouraging to the heart..

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