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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Grieve

In Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on May 9, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Today was the day our attorneys were to appear in court, and tomorrow was the day we were to have our attorney represented hearing on her contesting the restraining order that I filed against her.

Last week her attorney proposed we continue the restraining order, so she isn’t contesting it now. Most likely because if she contested it, and lost, it could have impact on her job.

She believes I filed it to be “vindictive” as she stated in court the first time. No, I really did file it because she stated she would kill me. She admits in the police report she said it, but says I shouldn’t have taken it literally. I don’t know how else to take it when someone is yelling, threatening and hurting.

It was not even close to easy to file the order against her or file for divorce the very next day. Two things that completely broke my heart, but I knew I had to do. It took more strength to do both of those actions, then it would have taken to stay.

Some people wonder how I can grieve a marriage that had turned so awful. I’m not grieving the loss of that. I’m grieving the woman I loved, and the marriage I entered. Not the woman I’m forced to divorce and walk away from.

I’m grieving that she acts as though the children and I are to be disregarded, and not following through on her promises to take care of the things she said she would. I’m grieving that she felt I wasn’t worth the truth, and that we weren’t worth keeping her promises.

I’m grieving that I thought I could even save her to begin with. It wasn’t my fight, it had to be hers. She needs to learn to be whole on her own. How many more lives will she leave in her path, before she gets that. . before she faces her demons head on and stops trying to self medicate with the love and praise of others?

I could allow myself to get angry, and get stuck. But that’s not going to heal. I want to heal. I need that allowance for myself. And to heal, I need to grieve.

So….I grieve.

I Grieve — Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
There’s nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It’s just the way that you would tied in
Now there’s no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
‘so hard to move on
Still loving what’s gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks it’s empty empty cage
And i can’t handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what’s gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people i meet
In everyone that’s out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It’s just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did i believe this dream?
Now i can find relief
I grieve

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