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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Wedding And A Funeral

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, wedding, women on May 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Anyone who has seen Four Weddings And A Funeral, remembers the poem Funeral Blues. If you haven’t, then you’ve missed one of the most poignant pieces of work that describes love, loss and the emotion birthed when love and loss collide.

I could write out some eloquent description of that emotion, but the shortest path to describe the feeling is that it sucks.

Immensely.

I remember when I first heard that grief during divorce was a lot like grief in the loss of a loved one. I thought that to be a rather bold comparison. The two seemed incomparable. In one, your loved one is gone with a finality that you have no control over. Divorce, well in my ignorance, I thought people had some control over that loss and that controlled loss was a whole other ballpark of rules to grieving.

Almost 11 years ago, I lost a son. He was born 4 months after I learned he wasn’t going to live, but he was a conjoined twin to my surviving son (the 10yr old – almost 11) The boys were suffering from a form of Twin Reversed Arterial Perfusion. One of the complications was the surviving twins heart was working for both. I was left in wonder if my other son would live as well. It was, without a doubt, some of the most emotionally difficult months of my life.

While the events are vastly different, I’m finding I’ve learned a lot since I first winced at the idea divorce could toss you into the same ocean of loss. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter what loss people may face. We are all still forced into dealing with the same crappy cycle of grief no matter how loss makes it’s way into our lives. We all hurt, cry, get angry, feel betrayed, cheated and whatever other emotion that may kick us in the ass while we’re down.

With my pregnancy, I grieved the loss of my child long before the final Good-Bye of giving birth and his funeral. Though, I have the continual hope that he lives eternal.

In my in my marriage, I’ve come to see that I was grieving the loss of a lot of dreams long before I was forced into filing the only final Good-Bye that the ending of any marriage is allowed – divorce.

Through this, I can’t help but acknowledge that divorce really is the equivalent of a funeral. The process of divorce works out a way to grieve the passing of hopes, dreams, promises, unity and a way to finalize that loss.

For what it’s worth, as much as I understand all of this, Good-Byes really still suck.

This is the poem from the movie:

Funeral Blues

by W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with the juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and, with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin. Let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message: “He is dead!”
Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves.
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my north, my south, my east and west,
My working week and Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can come to any good.

This is the moving reading from the movie:

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