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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Gloria Gaynor and My Imaginary Jaguar

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, vows, wedding, women on May 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

This week I’ve been feeling a bit stronger. The last two days, I’ve been trying to get my inner Gloria Gaynor on.

The wife wrote me emails a few days ago. She wrote some very moving words that stirred up the sediment that’s been settling. In fact, the emails made me cry for a good portion of the night.

I actually do feel awful she’s hurting to the degree she claims. I actually do feel for her. It hurts to know that my wife might be hurting, at all. But I know I spent many nights just hurting like hell, and I don’t think she gave me a second thought. It makes it difficult to pull that grace deep within me, and just hand it out. To just extend it without hesitation or fear. I know I cannot let my emotions rule my steps right now. I need to cling to logic, and reality. The reality is, the letters never really once mentioned me, but rather essentially stating “I miss you, but. . . “, “I take full responsibility, but. . . ” and “I’m sorry, but. . .”

I’m not invalidating her words, and what they mean to her. I’m just thinking that what I’m feeling doesn’t really fit into her equation.

I woke up, again…..as always, between 4-5am. This time I clearly woke up hurting. The things she said in her letters found me wishing I could just ultimately heal everything wrong with the mess of what’s left of our marriage, with a hug. But reality set in just as quick, and I asked myself if I would even want to, if the opportunity was there.

Part of me wants to, I do love her (the woman I married) The other part of me .. not so much. I really don’t miss those nights I felt so alone with her lying next to me. Just wishing she would hold me, kiss me. . . notice me.

I’m not sure when the love I have for her as my wife, will disappear. I’m not sure when those moments of grief will eventually make a turn, and my marriage will be a distant thought. . . a memory, my past.

I wish that moment would come sooner than later. I am really tired of missing something I’m not sure I even had in the first place.

It kinda feels like looking at the empty driveway, and being really sad that shiny Jaguar of yours was stolen.

Only, you never owned one.

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