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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – 2 Months Later

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on June 4, 2011 at 12:29 pm

June 4th, 2011

Today marks 2 months since my wife has been gone.

A few days ago, I cleaned out the food she had bought, from the cupboards. I packaged up the canned goods, and drove it down to a donation station. It gave me a ton of free cupboard space, and the opportunity to arrange things as I’d like. A few adjustments, and I actually can make the small spaces work now.

I got up this morning and decided the boys and I were gonna make the most of today. I refused to sit around the house reflecting on any feelings that I might still have for her.

We’ve had this mystery house plant that’s been sitting around for a year, so we drove it down to a garden nursery in hopes they could identify it. It turns out it’s an outside plant called Autumns Joy. Only, it seems to only want to grow indoors. I’m sure there’s a metaphor waiting to happen in all of that.

We then went some garage sales. I’m still looking for things to put in the apt. and on the walls. After two hours of driving around from garage sale to garage sale, we picked some Chinese food for lunch and watched Kung Fu Panda while eating.

The boys decorated the patio with sidewalk chalk (though I asked them to confine it to the table top of the patio table) and I enjoyed a conversation with a person, whose thoughts and observations on life, intrigue me.

Now, I’m sitting on the couch with the windows open, enjoying the breeze that comes through and can honestly say at this very moment I feel peace.

Peace was the unattainable to me a couple of months ago. It’s a feeling I never thought I would find, but here it is and it feels like a cozy pair of soft socks on tired feet.

I’m also coming to the realization that I am actually thinking about the possibility of love. I’m not the woman who’s needed to be with someone, jumping from relationship to relationship. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of time as an adult, single. But recently I’ve realized that I want to enjoy the companionship of another person and I’m open to the possibility of it, should it come along. Maybe it’s my age that’s helped me come to the realization that my soon to be ex wife, isn’t my soon to be ex last possibility. Or, maybe it has nothing to do with age at all, and I’m just realizing that love isn’t an emotion that has a “best use by” date stamped on it somewhere. Either way, however I learned the lesson, I’m feeling good with my thoughts of sharing companionship and affection with another, should I ever find myself in that place again.

I waited a long time for my wife, and from time to time I miss that woman I married. I waited for that one person I thought was worth taking the chance on, to openly love, marry and be a part of my life and the life of my children. At one time, she was that person, but I’d like to think it’s possible to open love again. Though this time, I’d like to know that the person I am with understands love is work, and makes the choice to love me even when they may not always like me. Being able to say “I love you” when you’re mad, says a lot. Being able to hug me when we’re unhappy with each other, says even more.

But for right now, sitting here in this apartment tonight feeling as content and peaceful as I do, I’m thankful for my life as it is. I have amazing children I share my life with, a roof over our heads, and I’m surrounded by people I’m blessed enough to call “friend” as I’m making new ones along the way as I’m rediscovering my smile.

My big fat lesbian divorce, is becoming my big fat human realization.

Life is good.

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