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Archive for September, 2011|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Son, Cancer and The Sidewalk Prophets

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Military, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, promises, relationships, religion, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on September 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm

My son had his surgery on Friday. The surgeon said the pathology reports will come back in a week or two.

I have to admit, when he posted a pic last night, I hurt for him. I want to fix this for him. I feel so damn helpless. No matter his age, he’s my child and my instincts of wanting to make his world a good place are still a part of me…. always.

I wish I had a magic wand, pixie dust or the most healing Snoopy Bandaid ever. I wish my children never knew anything but joy and peace. I wish …

I wish…

I wish…

..

So this the start of it all

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This is after the first biopsy

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This is after the second

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This is from the last (this past Friday). They believe they’ve removed the whole tumor now.

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I’ve already talked about just how angry I am with the military taking so DAMN long to address this, and how crappy I think they’ve handled everything (it’s been almost a year … a whole damn year) that this has been going on (the first few months after the first biopsy, they “forgot” to even tell him the results …. assholes) … so I won’t go off about it again.

At this moment, all that truly matters is my child. I feel good about the care (the military) is finally giving him. The hospital they’ve transferred him to, seems to actually know what they’re doing, opposed to the previous places. That gives me some comfort.

I’ve Posted this song to my sons wall, what seems like a thousand times, because it fits so well to express just how I feel. He is destined for amazing things, I belIeve it.

Just the fact he is the young man he is now, makes him amazing already.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Awkward E/mail Exchange

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on September 16, 2011 at 6:48 am

Awkward e/mail exchange between myself and the attorney of the ex today.. I replaced names with 3 *** … I know it’s within my rights to copy what I was sent, but I feel strongly in not naming names, no matter.

I write.. (copied to ex as well)

“***,

Please inform your client that I need the new auto insurance card once she receives it. It should be arriving before Oct 1 2011.”

Attorney responds…

“It appears you have already accomplished that by copying her.

As regards your blog: Many comments concerning *** have been defamatory. If you don’t stop posting defamatory comments, you put yourself at risk of a lawsuit. I understand you are hoping to become a lawyer someday, so you may look up the elements of defamation. You may conclude that in your view everything you say is true and is, therefore, not defamatory. You would not be the first to wrongly reach that conclusion. A jury, not you, would decide. Litigation would not be an enjoyable or inexpensive experience for anyone. Also, you may also want to consider whether your posts will become fodder when you are seeking admission to the Bar. Professionalism and ethics (or lack thereof) are important criteria for admission, and constant caustic posting about an ex exhibits, at a minimum, questionable professionalism and poor ethics. I enjoy your sense of humor, and do not wish to quash your right to speak freely. But, defamatory discourse is not protected speech. Please stop. Thank you. ***”

I respond…

“***,

What sentences in my blog do you believe to be false? Please be reminded of the Oregon anti-slapp law.”

Attorney responds..

“I am not interested in spending more time discussing this with you. You have my message. What you do with it is your concern. SLAPP is inapplicable. ***”

*back to blog*

Uhm, I don’t want to be an attorney.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Sister, My Son and Holding Hands

In attorneys, Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, military, New York, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, Portland Oregon, relationships, Relationships, religion, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing on September 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Yesterday I received a call from my niece Jellybean (I gave her this nickname when she was 4 and wearing a shiny green rain slicker). She told me that my sister (her mom) is on a ventilator and being kept sedated. This sister is the only sister I have any communication with, out of 6 siblings.

Apparently she complained of shortness of breath, collapsed on the stairs and went into full respiratory failure. They’re not sure what’s going on, though they found pneumonia and believe asthma (and being a smoker) are all contributors. They also said they had an inconclusive CT of the brain, and need to do another this morning.

It’s just heart wrenching, because my sister has struggled her whole life. She seriously needs something good to happen to her.

The nurse said they’ll know more this afternoon.

My son FINALLY got his pathology reports sent from his base overseas to the hospy where he’s awaiting surgery. What the heck was the hold up? Why didn’t they send the reports with him? In the age of technology, why wasn’t this stuff stored in a file somewhere that could be accessed in a New York minute on a computer? *insert quizzical and annoyed look here*

Anyways, his (3rd) surgery will finally be this Friday.

It’s a double edged sword with the situation, because the longer they (The Military) screw around, the longer my child isn’t getting the care that’s so important to his health. On the flip side, he’s so relaxed and finally smiling again since he’s been moved from where’s he’s stationed, to where he’s awaiting treatment. It’s so nice to see that kid smile again. He actually likes the area, is having not just the body treated, but his spirit as well. It’s doing him a world of wonderful.

In the mix of concern over the things going on with my son and my sister, my personal journey is taking a few steps over some hurdles along the way as well. I should probably write it all out and get it into words, but C.S. Lewis beat me to the punch in 1960 in The Four Loves. It reads…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I sometimes think it would be easier to just close myself off from all opportunities of experiencing joy through companionship. It’s not easy to care for someone else, and open yourself to the knowledge that caring doesn’t always equate easy. But then Henry Miller goes on to say..

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” – Henry Miller

The truth of the matter is, caring can really suck. Actions and words hurt. They can build insecurities that can slowly tear away at a foundation, leaving it unstable enough to fall easily in the first winds of a storm. While I believe these things are repairable, and should not go uncared for, it just sucks when it happens. Because now you’re in the heart of the matter, and whether you grab your partners hand and stand strong together or walk away leaving the other vulnerable, depends on the core of who you are.

I’ve weathered a lot of storms in my life and I’ve also stood through a lot of great adventures. Most of it all, with no one holding my hand. At times by choice and other times because there was no one there. But to know that I can look to someone else, feel their hand in mine, when things come at me … well, I guess the point is that no matter how wonderful it would feel, it doesn’t come without the risk that the very person who holds your hand, will at times, be the very person that can just break your heart.

Such a reality that’s best served with chocolate.

I still believe in love though, and I believe even though our vulnerability opens us to the risk of being hurt, it also opens us to the possibility of joy. Hopefully the joy outweighs the hurt and when it does hurt, we make better choices to be good to each other, love and hold hands.

I found the perfect song for my thoughts today –

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Saw Your Picture Today..

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, marriage, Pain, parenting, pictures, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, September, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing, writing on September 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Sometime during our marriage, I had put together a bulletin board that was on the wall, at the foot of the bed. On the board I had posted some of my favorite photos of us, along with some sentimental keepsakes (like that parking ticket and cards). It was my hope that in the midst of the difficult period of our marriage, having the visual of us as a couple.. smiling.. would somehow be as an encouragement. It was to be the first thing to see in the morning, and the last visual at night.

Ha.

I look at her in the photos now, and what used to look like a couple that was happy, merely has become a visual reminder of what an epic mistake I made. I look at this woman in the photos that I am standing next to, and I try to connect with the emotions I had for her at the time the picture was taken. Why was I looking at her like that? I look like I might be looking at with her with love, but I don’t feel it.

I have one photo of us that was my favorite. We were sitting beside our first Christmas Tree, while my daughter took photos of us. My daughter, who is hysterically hysterical, made my ex and I laugh. My daughter caught that image of us laughing. I loved that picture because it’s not posed and seemed to catch a glimpse of joy that we shared between us. But when I look at the picture, I just keep asking myself if that was a fluke moment, because I don’t remember many more times of joy after that picture. The images I have burned into my mind, the memories, don’t even look close to the feelings of happiness I had in that moment captured in that picture.

The woman I see when I look at those pics now, is a stranger. She is an emotional and intellectual stranger to me. If I had never met her, I would have passed her on the street and never even given her a second look. There is nothing real special about her that stands out. She isn’t really attractive (I don’t say that to be mean, she just isn’t).. But it wasn’t her outer appearance that I was looking for when I met her. For me, attraction starts in the mind, moves to the heart, then moves to the eyes. Now seeing her for the woman she has revealed herself to be, there is nothing about her that I would even want to know on the level of a friendship.

Maybe all of that seems harsh to say, or maybe it sounds like the typical break-up lingo that the ex spews out because they’re hurt and angry. But, when I am really listening to my heart, I feel none of those things. In fact, when I look at the photos now, I feel nothing other than curiosity as to how I managed to let this woman, this stranger, completely draw me in. If I am honest with myself, that really makes me angry at no one, other than myself.

The images burned into the paper, just don’t match the images burned into my mind and my heart of what I was left with. So, I burned them. The cards, the envelopes, the memories, the fluke moments of joy…

and this is what the whole pile of memories was reduced to. ..

http://youtu.be/gWCeVAuCCfA