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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Saw Your Picture Today..

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, marriage, Pain, parenting, pictures, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, September, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing, writing on September 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Sometime during our marriage, I had put together a bulletin board that was on the wall, at the foot of the bed. On the board I had posted some of my favorite photos of us, along with some sentimental keepsakes (like that parking ticket and cards). It was my hope that in the midst of the difficult period of our marriage, having the visual of us as a couple.. smiling.. would somehow be as an encouragement. It was to be the first thing to see in the morning, and the last visual at night.

Ha.

I look at her in the photos now, and what used to look like a couple that was happy, merely has become a visual reminder of what an epic mistake I made. I look at this woman in the photos that I am standing next to, and I try to connect with the emotions I had for her at the time the picture was taken. Why was I looking at her like that? I look like I might be looking at with her with love, but I don’t feel it.

I have one photo of us that was my favorite. We were sitting beside our first Christmas Tree, while my daughter took photos of us. My daughter, who is hysterically hysterical, made my ex and I laugh. My daughter caught that image of us laughing. I loved that picture because it’s not posed and seemed to catch a glimpse of joy that we shared between us. But when I look at the picture, I just keep asking myself if that was a fluke moment, because I don’t remember many more times of joy after that picture. The images I have burned into my mind, the memories, don’t even look close to the feelings of happiness I had in that moment captured in that picture.

The woman I see when I look at those pics now, is a stranger. She is an emotional and intellectual stranger to me. If I had never met her, I would have passed her on the street and never even given her a second look. There is nothing real special about her that stands out. She isn’t really attractive (I don’t say that to be mean, she just isn’t).. But it wasn’t her outer appearance that I was looking for when I met her. For me, attraction starts in the mind, moves to the heart, then moves to the eyes. Now seeing her for the woman she has revealed herself to be, there is nothing about her that I would even want to know on the level of a friendship.

Maybe all of that seems harsh to say, or maybe it sounds like the typical break-up lingo that the ex spews out because they’re hurt and angry. But, when I am really listening to my heart, I feel none of those things. In fact, when I look at the photos now, I feel nothing other than curiosity as to how I managed to let this woman, this stranger, completely draw me in. If I am honest with myself, that really makes me angry at no one, other than myself.

The images burned into the paper, just don’t match the images burned into my mind and my heart of what I was left with. So, I burned them. The cards, the envelopes, the memories, the fluke moments of joy…

and this is what the whole pile of memories was reduced to. ..

http://youtu.be/gWCeVAuCCfA

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  1. I think you are being way hard on yourself. Your relationship wasn’t a mistake that YOU made, it was something you thought was right at the time, that didn’t work out.

    Also, it’s hard to say what draws us to a person. I know that most women frequently ascribe positive qualities to their partners, that they later realize that person doesn’t possess. We all do it. đŸ™‚

    • I think sometimes they do have the good qualities, and we see them … Until the bad comes out and we realize it’s worse than the good. Like, someone may come across as “present” until you realize they are… but only when they want to be. Which may be altered by all sorts of reasons.. fear, control, or a small change in wind factor.

      I probably am being hard on myself, but I feel like since I’m the one who made the crappy choice I really have no one else to blame for being so taken in. I know the reasons why or how are different from the fact I was, but I still feel pretty responsible.

      You’re a doll though, thank you for your insight …

  2. The opposite of love is not hate it’s ambivalence. I love your thoughts on attraction I operate much the same way. For me, the fact that my girlfriend is in all actuality wicked hot is just a side benefit! It’s a nice perk, but honestly I’d still love her just as much If she was ugly.

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