lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Sister, My Son and Holding Hands

In attorneys, Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, military, New York, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, Portland Oregon, relationships, Relationships, religion, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing on September 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Yesterday I received a call from my niece Jellybean (I gave her this nickname when she was 4 and wearing a shiny green rain slicker). She told me that my sister (her mom) is on a ventilator and being kept sedated. This sister is the only sister I have any communication with, out of 6 siblings.

Apparently she complained of shortness of breath, collapsed on the stairs and went into full respiratory failure. They’re not sure what’s going on, though they found pneumonia and believe asthma (and being a smoker) are all contributors. They also said they had an inconclusive CT of the brain, and need to do another this morning.

It’s just heart wrenching, because my sister has struggled her whole life. She seriously needs something good to happen to her.

The nurse said they’ll know more this afternoon.

My son FINALLY got his pathology reports sent from his base overseas to the hospy where he’s awaiting surgery. What the heck was the hold up? Why didn’t they send the reports with him? In the age of technology, why wasn’t this stuff stored in a file somewhere that could be accessed in a New York minute on a computer? *insert quizzical and annoyed look here*

Anyways, his (3rd) surgery will finally be this Friday.

It’s a double edged sword with the situation, because the longer they (The Military) screw around, the longer my child isn’t getting the care that’s so important to his health. On the flip side, he’s so relaxed and finally smiling again since he’s been moved from where’s he’s stationed, to where he’s awaiting treatment. It’s so nice to see that kid smile again. He actually likes the area, is having not just the body treated, but his spirit as well. It’s doing him a world of wonderful.

In the mix of concern over the things going on with my son and my sister, my personal journey is taking a few steps over some hurdles along the way as well. I should probably write it all out and get it into words, but C.S. Lewis beat me to the punch in 1960 in The Four Loves. It reads…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I sometimes think it would be easier to just close myself off from all opportunities of experiencing joy through companionship. It’s not easy to care for someone else, and open yourself to the knowledge that caring doesn’t always equate easy. But then Henry Miller goes on to say..

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” – Henry Miller

The truth of the matter is, caring can really suck. Actions and words hurt. They can build insecurities that can slowly tear away at a foundation, leaving it unstable enough to fall easily in the first winds of a storm. While I believe these things are repairable, and should not go uncared for, it just sucks when it happens. Because now you’re in the heart of the matter, and whether you grab your partners hand and stand strong together or walk away leaving the other vulnerable, depends on the core of who you are.

I’ve weathered a lot of storms in my life and I’ve also stood through a lot of great adventures. Most of it all, with no one holding my hand. At times by choice and other times because there was no one there. But to know that I can look to someone else, feel their hand in mine, when things come at me … well, I guess the point is that no matter how wonderful it would feel, it doesn’t come without the risk that the very person who holds your hand, will at times, be the very person that can just break your heart.

Such a reality that’s best served with chocolate.

I still believe in love though, and I believe even though our vulnerability opens us to the risk of being hurt, it also opens us to the possibility of joy. Hopefully the joy outweighs the hurt and when it does hurt, we make better choices to be good to each other, love and hold hands.

I found the perfect song for my thoughts today –

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  1. “Breathe (2 AM)”

    2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
    “Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
    I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
    Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
    Like they have any right at all to criticize,
    Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

    ‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
    And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
    No one can find the rewind button, girl.
    So cradle your head in your hands
    And breathe… just breathe,
    Oh breathe, just breathe

    May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
    “Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist,
    “Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
    Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
    But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
    Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

    Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
    And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
    No one can find the rewind button, boys,
    So cradle your head in your hands,
    And breathe… just breathe,
    Oh breathe, just breathe

    There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
    You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
    And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
    If you’d only try turning around.

    2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
    If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
    Threatening the life it belongs to
    And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
    Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
    And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

    But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
    And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
    No one can find the rewind button now
    Sing it if you understand.
    and breathe, just breathe
    woah breathe, just breathe,
    Oh breathe, just breathe,
    Oh breathe, just breathe.

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