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Archive for October, 2011|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Reckless Train Rides

In AP News, attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, feelings, Fleetwood Mac, friendship, gay, God, grief, homosexuality, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, movies, Musician, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, The Little Prince, Uncategorized on October 25, 2011 at 6:55 am

I’ve written three different paragraphs and I’ve deleted them all.

A Train Ride

(edited 10/2011)

Leaning against the window, I can feel the cool glass of the window pane against my cheek. True to the way a train moves down the tracks, it rocks back and forth and I find no comfort in leaning against the window other than my eyes are searching for a glimpse of the next stop.

Houses, small towns, fields sprinkled with colors of spring.. all pass by.

My bags are packed (well, really only one bag) and I am clutching the handles in my hands because I’m afraid I might let go and let it drop to the floor. There’s no room in the overhead for my things.

When I boarded I tried to find space for my bag. I glanced at some of the tags and noticed some of them had been there years. On the lip of the over head was a tag that read “Do not touch, ask about, or even think of moving the bags that are here upon your arrival” so I just tried to fit mine in between the hard shell cases left behind.

I looked around to see if anyone would notice me reaching up and tugging gently on one of the suitcases left behind. If I could just slip it down and move it behind a seat, no one would notice. The suitcase had been there for years, so I doubted the owner would be coming around to retrieve it anytime soon.

Pulling it down proved to be a bit more work. As I reached up to slip it down, it was as if the bag was glued to the shelf. As I stood there gently tugging, I glanced out the window and became mesmerized by the passing fields and the excitement of an unknown destination. I wasn’t focused on what I stood up to do in the first place and so somewhere between the distraction of the beauty and intrigue, I simply went back to my seat with my bag in my lap. As I realized the choice I had made, I thought maybe I would feel better if I kept my bag in my lap anyways, just in case the train asked me to unboard quickly.

Now as I sit here with my cheek pressed against the window, I can not clutch it tightly enough.

As I stand up between stops and walk up and down the empty aisles to stretch my legs, I’ve the train seems to take off rather quick. With no warning of departure, I’ve been unprepared for the the quick acceleration and stumbled a little to hurry back to find my seat. A few times falling backwards and being tossed back into the place where I was sitting like a last minute thought. But just as I was adjusting the seat, and getting comfortable, the train would come to a full stop void of warning and I would be thrust forward like a rag doll without care or consideration.

From time to time the train will come to a stop for a long period of time. I would sit waiting for other passengers to arrive, maybe someone looking to claim their baggage, but no one ever shows. As I stand to walk up and down the aisles to stretch my legs, I quietly wonder why there were so many seats on the train, if I am the only passenger. In fact, I realize I have never even seen the conductor or anyone else. Who is driving this train? I ponder this for a minute and decide to get off at this stop.

Suddenly this ride seems ominous to me. Just as I decide to get off at the stop, the train starts to pull away from the station. I realize at that moment I’m no longer holding my bag and I begin to panic. My most prized possessions were packed for this trip. My eyes search furiously as my heart races, then I see it. Somehow, it’s been moved to crowded overhead. I don’t remember fitting it in, yet I’m positive no one else could have. I quickly walk over to my bag to pull it down and find the bag is stuck to the overhead shelf. This time, I am not distracted by anything other than my clear determination to pull my bag down and quickly find my seat.

This time, I’m not looking to find space for my bag so that I may enjoy the ride. I want off.

The bag falls to my side and I rush to my seat.

As the sound of the train speeds down the track with distinct rhythm I think to myself “Oh God, let this be a short burst between stops.”

The rhythm counts each second as I move from place to place pushing to the next, wishing this ride to end. Now that I want to step off the train, it feels like the longest distance travelled at one time since I’ve boarded the train.

I lean against the window pane looking, hoping.. waiting.

Houses, small towns, fields sprinkled with colors of spring.. all pass by. This time I don’t smile with a feeling of warmth as the train rushes past, but a longing to be a part of it all again.

As they pass by I press my face a little more to the window hoping for a glimpse of the next station ahead. I want this train ride to end.

I see it. The station, there it is.

Standing up and clutching my bag in hand, I prepare myself for the quick and complete train stop by bracing myself with the seats as I walk towards the exit while the train is still moving.

The train comes to the complete stop it has so many times before, and I push to slide the exit door open. I move quickly to step down and I become still as I put my foot to the ground.

The station is empty.

My eyes sweep across looking for some sign of life, but even the air seems still.

I step fully down and have my right hand on the hand rail. Standing there, I am a little scared and sad about removing my hand.

I argue to myself for a minute about staying on the train and holding to the hope of arriving a destination filled with life, opposed to standing in a deserted station. But I know that sitting on a deserted train heading nowhere is nothing more than exactly that, and I can at least walk away from the station.

I am sure one of those small towns I passed through many times while on the train, is up ahead. Perhaps I will stop by one of the fields and pick some of the flowers that I have admired in passing.

My right hand falls to my side and I turn to the left. My heels against the concrete is the only audible sound as I walk across the platform away from the train, the station and the stillness while clutching my bag tightly.

Behind me I hear the train begin to move and in and in a matter of seconds it rushes past me in the same accelerated manner it has departed so many times before. It moves as quickly as it stops, I have never connected the pattern before now.

Within moments the train disappears from sight and only the faint sounds of the wheels against the tracks is all that is left, but fades quickly.

For a moment, I think I hear the train quickly approaching from behind and stopping abruptly at the station once again. Maybe just ghost sounds.. I don’t know.

I do not turn to look. – L.W. 6/17/2009

Sometimes I stay on the ride longer than I should for whatever reasons I do. Maybe it’s because I’m so smitten by the shiny things that I don’t see the scary things, or maybe it’s because I’m afraid it’s as good as it gets.

Whatever the reasons, I’m learning that if you want to know what the ride is going to be like, look to see what the ride was like for previous passengers. If you listen, you’ll hear.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Get A Life

In Blog, Break-up, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, gay, get a life, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, New York, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 21, 2011 at 7:38 am

I’d like to think that someday my ex will leave me completely alone.

I’ve worked on my healing. It’s been journaled, this walk I’ve taken steps to experience and to move forward on.

It feels harassing. The letters, the demands, the actions.

I wonder if this is what she did to her previous exes.

She could:

Learn to knit
Read a book
Go to counseling
Plant a garden
Train for a marathon

…. anything productive and nurtures self awareness and peace.

I feel sorry for the next woman who will have to discover on her own, the coming storm. It won’t be obvious at first. Everything will be so believable, possible.

I wish she would move on already.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Van

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, children, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Husband, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, movies, Netflix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, stress, tracy chapman, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm

When is it a good thing to marry someone who is seemingly impulsive when it comes to reacting, without thinking the bigger picture out?

When you’re divorcing them.

My divorce was final in July, yet as you well know, she’s yet to really stop divorcing me at all. From the demands of white plastic coat hangers to a back pack, well after the divorce was over (I can’t believe her attorney wouldn’t advise her that she has no claim to the items, so to request them would result in nothing but legal fees to write the letter. Or maybe she did, but my ex just didn’t listen) I’ve been wondering what the next demand would be.

I didn’t have to wait long.

The divorce gave me possession of the van, even though it’s in her name. I’ve made the payments on the vehicle the last 2 years and the ex has no investment in the vehicle. The divorce states my payment can’t be late. It’s due on the 10th.

Because of Columbus Day, the payment arrived on the 11th. My ex freaked out. Her attorney wrote a letter stating that (she who will remain nameless – my ex’s coworker with the *in my opinion* 80s hair) was going to come by to retrieve the van last Friday. This is the same co/worker who wrote ugly comments to my blog, calling my children with disabilities ugly things, and all in poorly written English. I think it was English.

So I told them “no”. Why would I possibly allow a woman who has written verbally direct malicious comments towards my children with disabilities, on my front door step? No. I informed them if she made contact with me, I’d call the police and if they took the van, I’d report it stolen. Her attorney then stated she was moving ahead with court proceedings.

What it’s come down to, she wanted to challenge the language in the order because she’s unreasonable. She didn’t care that I needed medical transport for the children coupled with the appearance she has disposable financial resources to constantly pay her attorney. She could have easily let it go, but it feels like she’s just waiting to pounce on any avenue available to try and keep to her word to leave the children and I penniless and begging in the street. That what it feels like when she wants to drag me back to court over something as minute as this.

Now, I know I had a strong case. I had confidence should I have taken it court, that I would have been awarded the van…. again. It was technically one day late, but it was processed on the 11th. The bank informed me there’s a 10 day grace period without penalty, and the payment fell well within that.

But honestly, I didn’t want the vehicle that bad. It would have cost me an attorney to go back to court (though I would have asked for attorney fees). On top of those fees, I had the vehicle inspected a couple of weeks back which uncovered 2,000.00 of mechanical work needed. Not to mention there is still so much owed on the van, it can’t even be used for trade-in. I had planned on having the repairs done, because I need a vehicle. But there was no way I was going to invest money on a needless court hearing, waste my time or the courts time and money to entertain my ex and her attorney. The van isn’t worth that.

If she wanted the van with all the mechanical needs, debt owing and payments, then more power to her. In fact, I was more than happy to turn it over.

My ex supposedly was worried I’d “sugar the tank” so I said I’d leave the van at the mechanics, let them verify it’s in the same crappy condition it was a few weeks ago. She could go to the mechanics, hear their assessment, and look it over. If she drove it off the lot, it’s hers as is and she cannot try to sue me for repairs, damages or any other reason pertaining to the van. If she didn’t like the condition, she would leave it and I’d have to pick it up.

The mechanic didn’t even have a chance to look at the vehicle. She showed up, took the key and drove it off the lot.

I only have two words to describe how I feel right now…

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

*tosses confetti*

Her driving that debt off the lot today, was the second best thing she ever did for me. The first was her leaving the apartment when I called the police and had them ask her to leave. The only stress I had about losing the van, was not having a back-up plan in place.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for a vehicle yet. I’m concerned about it, because the boys need to get to medical appointments and things of that nature. Everyone tells me it will work out, so I’m hoping it rains money sometime soon. But I’m really happy it’s now her financial responsibly and no longer mine.

I have to say, there was only one time I teared up today. On the way to drop the van off, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman came on the radio. It reminded me of that brief moment I believed in my marriage and the hope, trust and love that I thought I had in her. That feeling of belonging is something I’ve longed to feel.

Too bad the song seems to last longer than that security did.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Aaron

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 2, 2011 at 5:11 pm

My friend,

Who quickly became a brother,

Aaron died this morning.

That seems like the wrong words to say, because Aaron will never really die. Aaron will always live through this amazing legacy of love he’s created.

Through his joy, pain, love for God..

By the amazing love he always showered on his wife, and praised her so openly, always making those of us who have never known
such love from another so envious … but setting a standard.

There’s so many things I could say about my amazing friend Aaron. But all I can really say is ..

Your star still shines my friend..

You have not,

and never will..

fade.

Stars as bright as you, never fall.

Stars like you,

shine… and light the way for all who take the time to look.

Make Dad smile.

I love you,

Sis

*** I don’t know why, but this post is publishing before the post I wrote yesterday.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Little Prince & Laughing Stars – My Friend Aaron Jamison

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, promises, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 1, 2011 at 6:23 pm

My friend Aaron Jamison is nearing the end of his journey. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday, where he’ll remain for the 1-2 weeks he was given to finish his story. But his story will never end. All those who have read his life carry the words he wrote, speak and live.

If you haven’t heard of Aaron Jamison, he made national and world news in his journey.

Here’s a few links to his story (please keep in mind that he’s been given so many “expiration dates” as he calls it, he actually had the original date tattooed after it had well gone and passed, that you’ll see a few dates given)..

I wanted to share a blog I wrote sometime ago, shortly after Aaron was diagnosed. It just seems fitting to share it right now..

Originally titled “Shiny Ceiling Decorated In Love” — I’m reminded more of The Little Prince and his laughing stars..

April 15, 2009

It is Tuesday night..

I was driving home from Eugene tonight.. It is a bit of a drive, so I have a lot of time to think to myself.

I was passing the fields through Hwy99 and had some Eva Cassidy filling the air as my mind wandered through my life, trying to make some sense of it all.

I think we all from time to time ponder what it would be like if we were to pass on. Of course, my children would remember me, but would my life have made an impact on anyone else? Would the only thing my children remember of me, be that I was a dork who jumped on beds to wake them up and would laugh as I danced around the house blowing bubbles to make them laugh? Or would it be that I was angry when they tracked mud all over the carpet? …

My phone sends me a message anytime someone I am stalking online changes their status or posts things to their page on Facebook. Don’t worry, I am only stalking one person. ..

So I am driving and pondering the impact of my life, when Aaron changed
his status. It read “is sad and incredibly happy to watch the ones he loves grow and make choices as he waits to fade away. Never thought I’d face or feel the things I am lately.” Just reading that now, haunts me.

..

I proceeded to drive home, and along the way that the night sky was clear. being away from city lights, I could see the sky lit up in all its brilliance with stars that seemed to know no end. Fittingly, I had Eva Cassidy crooning Fields Of Gold into my heart, as I decided to pull over for a few moments and let my eyes drink the vision before me.. I admit I was feeling jealous of the stars who knew their place, their purpose..

Aarons words, my pondering, the words to the song.. the stars before me..

I was still.

I was amazed that God could hang every star with a purpose, with all
intent and design knowing exactly where he placed each and every one.
This really baffles me considering I lose pieces of paper in my very tiny apartment and here is this galaxy filled with stars, not a one lost but yet called by name.

I just sat there and pondered all that I was seeing, as a star fell from the sky and Aarons words haunted me. Of all the stars that will continue to shine, one fell from the sky tonight. One, fell from the sky that will no longer visibly shine. Yet it is the only star I can recall noticing, seeing, and being impacted by. So very much like Aaron, myself.. all of us.

This life is very brief, and tonight that
star fell not knowing the impact it made on the one person who watched it fall from the sky as she pondered her life. Yet, I doubt I will forget it anytime soon.

I am not sure I will ever know if I made an impact in this life to anyone else other than the children I am always joking about sending to therapy as adults. And sometimes, I am not sure of my own path as I flow from place to place wondering if I will ever belong. But I do know that whether I am to be a star that falls or one that continues to
shine visible to the naked eye, my goal will always be to shine through the life of others where eyes can not see. Even if it means I am just to be the one who calls a star by name, not the one to hang brightly.

The only thing to fade, are days. I pray the visions I write upon the hearts of others is sharpie worthy..

Love life.

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