lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits

In Uncategorized on March 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to be blunt, I’m PMSing.

TMI … I know.

My body can’t decide if it’s on, or off.

I get pretty out of sync with things when my body argues with me. I’m that girl that’s dancing to a song, always moving two beats behind while wearing a neon orange leisure suit on the dance floor.

Of course my emotions get all mushy sensitive and I cry over puppy food commercials while devouring chocolate at the speed not quite determined by scientists. Toss in the neon orange leisure suit and I’m a cycle away from a one woman stand up comedy just waiting to self combust.

I’ve been feeling deep about some things. I guess it all started when I read a quote by Demi Moore. Having been recently separated she gave an interview and goes on to say..

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” – Demi Moore

What a big thing to say, but what an honest thing to say.

Demi said something I am sure many of us have thought about before and felt from time to time. It’s something we tend to ask ourselves at the tail end of a break-up or a drought in our personal lives as we move from place to place in our hearts, seeking that soft place to fall. However, it’s something that I have been struggling with for quite some time.

I’m sure it all goes back to my childhood, but I’ll spare the long detailed accounts. The result has been that which Demi speaks of, I get it. I completely relate. Yes, I am scared that maybe I am unlovable.

I haven’t had horrible relationships in my life, save for two notable experiences where I’ve allowed the wrong person into my world. Other than that, I’ve been pretty lucky. The recurring theme in all of my past relationship experiences, is that I’m always three sprints short of the finish line and those relationships were not going to go anywhere other than exactly where they went… nowhere.

I could blame Hollywood for the years of movies I grew up watching, conditioning me to believe that someday someone would find me moving enough to stand outside my window with a boom box or a full orchestra to win my heart (though it still is a romantic thought).

In part I’m sure it’s because I’ve always been afraid to step out of the fear of rejection that’s been my shield. It’s saved me from a lot of hurt, I’m sure. Though obviously it didn’t keep me from feeling the pangs of the remnant of a failed marriage that never should have happened in the first place. The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought, though I’ve been taking that risk hoping it will be different. At my age I am finding risks are sometimes better taken than not. I don’t want to be that woman that is 80 years old, thinking about all the chances I had in front of me and didn’t chose to take them because I was afraid. Though at the same time my fear echoes the words that Demi shared, and perhaps I will find myself an 80 year old woman having graduated from the orange leisure suit to wearing purple (please note reference to the poem When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple). I really hope not.

Either way, I refuse to be the crazy cat lady.

http://youtu.be/-j379JbL-xM

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  1. I just had to stop by and drop you a comment. I really enjoyed this post, and I needed to say I got the reference to When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple before reading your parenthetical explanation. 🙂 I’m glad to hear you think risks are sometimes better taken than not. I do think that’s how you make your life meaningful, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Good luck to you, and I’ll be back to read more!

    • I’ve taken risks in my life, though the ones concerning matters of the heart are the ones that seem to be the hardest for me. I’ve spent way too much time avoiding them, since they’re the ones that can seem the hardest to overcome.

      You’re right though, taking risks no matter the subject are a good way to look back and see you’ve lived instead of just having daydreamed about it. Perhaps I’ll think about opening that bookstore I’ve dreamed of so many times.

      Thank You..

  2. […] I stumbled on this post while tag-surfing in the infinitely broad category of ‘Writing,’ I had to read it for a […]

  3. […] lot. I wrote a blog titled Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits (which you can find here —> https://lesbianspaghetti.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/my-big-fat-lesbian-life-3/  ) In that blog I write “The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing […]

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