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Archive for August, 2012|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Bullshit.

In Uncategorized on August 23, 2012 at 4:50 pm

This past week I realized something about myself. I have a high tolerance for bullshit.

I was talking with my pal Nancy, who’s known me longer than anyone else I know, and she said something that unleashed knowledge I’d been seeking for ages. The answer is “bullshit”. Not literal shit from a bull, but the kind of shit that leads people like Adele and most country artists to write and/or sing songs.

The answer came to me like light breaking through clouds, to the chorus of a thousand angels and white doves flying in slow motion while a light bulb flickered over my head. I just have an insanely high tolerance for bullshit.

Well, a little more than that.

See, while Nancy talked about how chaos has just kinda found its way to me, I realized I’d been around chaos my whole life. My Mother set the standard, long before anyone else did. I grew up around dysfunction, knowing it wasn’t good, but developing a tolerance for it. I learned to adapt, so that I could live. As the years passed, instead of identifying dysfunction as it came at me, I’d just shrug my shoulders and find a way to adapt again. And that’s what I’ve done in my relationships with people. Romantic or not. I’ve adapted to their dysfunction. Always wondering why I’d end up in the same place over and over, wanting different but wondering if maybe I just wasn’t deserving or able to have it.

Once it finally hit me, I got it. I do deserve better, but it’s me who’s going to say it. It’s me who’s going to advocate for it.

Unfortunately, my high tolerance for bullshit has created places where I’ve allowed people to treat me with incredible disrespect (wash, rinse, repeat) while pretty much ignoring my own need for what would make me happy. I was too afraid to speak up for myself.

But I get it. I get it now. I’m finding my voice here, and it feels good. Like, it’s OK to say “I would like” or even “I need” and not feel like the self absorbed princess of the country named entitlement, because I have my boundaries.

It’s been a life altering awakening, and perhaps it’s going to take some strong steps towards finding out exactly what it is I need to do to filer out the bullshit.

But I’m ready for the challenge. And I’m ready for the change.