lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – Waves

In Uncategorized on December 5, 2013 at 9:53 pm

When I was pregnant with Isaac and Gabriel, I went through a very dark place in time. It was really difficult. I carried death and life with me every single moment. I couldn’t walk away from it, I couldn’t deny it. Every time I looked down, or in a mirror, there it was. I was pregnant with a son who would not live, and a child who would work so hard just to live.

The time I went through was one of the worst times of my life. It took me a lot to make it through that time. I yelled at God, I screamed at people I loved and cared about, and I often struggled with analyzing every single thing I did that could have caused the pregnancy to turn out like it did. Every medication, every food, every breath. It just seemed I couldn’t get out of trying to figure out what I could have done differently. The truth is, there is nothing. I understand that now, but try telling that to myself 13 years ago, was a whole other story.

When I was assured more than once, that Gabriels heart was okay after her returned from the NICU, it took me time to chill the heck out. I watched him breathe, a lot. Every little sniffle was a red alert to me, and I just wanted to be on high alert. It took time for me to get out of that crisis mode. Years even.

When this past June it was discovered that in fact he did have a heart defect since birth, every single fear that lay in hibernation, emerged and with a roar. When I stood out in the hallway and the very doctor that told me so many times before my son was okay, was now telling me that they found something.. my whole world changed. I changed. Not who I am as a person, but how I see things. Things that I used to get really upset over, are now no longer the biggest things for me to stress about anymore. Yet some things I never considered I really thought about, I think about a lot more. Like, if today was the last day I was to live, would I be happy with where my life is? Would I regret something? Would I have wished I didn’t compromise the things I really believe in, just to make others happy?

I also find that I often get really annoyed with some people easier. In me, I know that all people go through things that are relative to them, and while it might seem trivial to me, to them it is a big deal. It’s happening in their life. Yet, sometimes I cringe when I hear people complain about the cold their child has, or they lost a whole hour of sleep because their spouse refused to get up to help. I look around me and I think of the times I wished I had someone in the house to help, or how a cold would be such a blessing in comparison to what my child is struggling with. There are days I don’t even get to change from my pajamas before 5pm, let alone  have a moment to myself to even think about the last time I sat down to eat.

I am also starting to understand why they say some marriages and relationships don’t survive the struggles people face when a child becomes ill. It’s taken a toll on friendships and relationships in my life. Just when I think I can catch my breath, I spend an hour in the doctors office, or the ER, or with a specialist, and I am right back in crisis mode all over again. I ride this constant wave. Some days I just want to turn my phone off, and ignore everyone so I can catch my breath. Some days I just feel incapable of giving to others outside of the boys. That includes myself.

I am not sure when I will finally be able to sleep a full night without waking up to look at Gabriel to make sure he is still breathing, again. I am not sure when I will be able to wear mascara again to a doctors appointment, or when this wave will crest and then crash. I have no idea. I have no idea about anything anymore. I do know that I am beyond thankful for my children, I am beyond thankful for the people who love me. I also know that I am working through so much and I need understanding from those around me as I rise and fall over and over again. I need to be selfish right now. If that is even what it is called. Is it selfish to want to just not think for a day? I don’t know. If it is, I need it. I am not ignorant to the things relationships in our lives to survive. But I also know life brings highs and lows and seasons are not always equal. What we put out isn’t always what we are going to get in return, because life in all of it’s idealistic simplicity, just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we need to be the stronger one for the other. Sometimes we need to be the cheerleaders. Life is not this perfect balance. I wish it was, but for all the self motivational memes on Facebook of idealistic quotes, it just isn’t. It’s impossible to explain to those around me who have never had a child with an illness. But even then, pain is all relative to our life, right?

In the medium, I would like to say that if you are reading this and you have a little one at home with a cold that has kept you awake all night, know that there are some parents out there tonight who would give anything to be in your place with their own child. If the worst thing that happened to you today is that someone cut you off in traffic and you forgot to get peanut butter at the store, be thankful. If you know someone going through a tough time, be there … unconditionally. For all the things you are feeling, you have no idea what it is like to be where they are. They might appreciate that smile on your face more than you realize, even if they look back at you with tears in their eyes.

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