lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – Roar

In Uncategorized on December 29, 2013 at 12:34 am

Life changes when your child is sick. It really changes a lot. Last June I was driving in my van, listening to the radio and feeling pretty good about life. I remember that day specifically, because it was the last day I was truly genuinely at peace. I remember thinking to myself “My kids are good, I have a relationship with someone I adore, school is good.. life is good.” I felt a true peace in my life. I truly thought I was on a good path to things finally settling down in my life. Today, my life couldn’t be further from that moment.

It does not escape me that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. While ill, my son is still facing all of this with such a courageous spirit and he is here to hold. All of my children spent Christmas with me, my oldest son is home from the military and his health is well. There is a lot to be thankful for. However, extended relationships in my life seem to be struggling as I learn to adjust the changes in my life. It’s not easy. Every day seems to bring a new change, and I am not always sure how to carry it. Uncertainty is not something I do well with, yet it is something I have had a lot of thrown at me. You would think I could catch it like a football and run for the touchdown, yet I stand there with the damn thing, in center field and brace myself for the tackle. While I am not literally being tackled by a group of men in tights, if this is what it feels like, then keep the game of football to the NFL.

Today I spent a little time looking for a song that expresses how I am feeling.  I found nothing. I can’t be the only person on the face of this earth that feels like they are pulling out all the stops to keep their shit together standing strong while a bazillion tears fall. Yet that doesn’t even begin to embrace the scope of what I am feeling right now. I am feeling scared, strong, tired, ready to catch the ball and terrified as it comes barreling at me. Cripes, am I an Alanis song? Alanis is pretty cool, but right now I would love to channel my inner Katy perry lyrics (side note, I am adding to see her in concert from the floor, on to my life list. I seriously have found her lyrics seem to resonate with me this past year).

Roar.

One always hopes that people will stand by you and change with you, as the changes come. It doesn’t always happen though. Those who knew you before the event that changes you, expect you will somehow continue being the same person despite the events that took place, and those who meet you after just think you cry way too much. On the inside, I am the same person, but yet I am not the same woman at all. Things I never thought of before, now take a whole new priority. That five minutes I have free, are a treasure. If I happen to spend them talking to you, I would hope you realize you are special to me if I share that time with you. Yet I also know five minutes to other outside of my house, seems like a drop in a very large bucket. Sure, it’s not a Hallmark card, but to me it is the biggest and it means a lot. I don’t have the time to do a lot of the things I did before. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to, it just means that at this time there are other things I need to focus on. I can’t explain that enough. Yet I know that to even try to explain it feels so empty. I just don’t think people ‘get it’ until they have been there. Forbid anyone should be there.

If you have people who stand by you, and support you regardless of the changes, count your blessings. It’s not an easy place to stand for me, and I know it isn’t for them as they watch me cry and listen to me talk it out when I need an ear. But if you have it, count your blessings. It’s during these times you come to realize who stands with you, who demands from you, and who just quietly reaches out and takes your hand without reservation or expectation. It’s not an easy revelation during an already stressful time in your life… in my life. I am learning though, and most importantly I am learning that I am much stronger than I usually give myself credit for and no matter the football thrown at me, tackled or not, I am going to at least give it my best to run for a touchdown. Either people in the stands will cheer me on, stand up and walk out of the stadium or be a cheerleader on the field. Either way it won’t change the fact I still need to run towards my goal with the ball thrown at me, and do it with the most energy and courage.

I only pray if men in tights ever really do chase me in the literal, I am on the set of a Mel Brooks film.

Anything else would just be awkward.

Really awkward.

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