lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – Mariah Carey Just Verbally Hugged Me

In Uncategorized on March 4, 2014 at 9:01 pm

This is my third attempt to write an entry. Each time I sit down to say something I just stop cold. I don’t know why it feels so vulnerable to write tonight, but it does.

Gabriel saw the cardiologist recently, and he says the repair is perfect. I guess it takes 6 months to be able to tell for certain, and Gabriel has passed that benchmark.

Today was his last dose of the prednisone. I am so happy yet so scared. I am happy that he has tolerated this long round, and has seemed to come off the taper well. The true test will be over the next few weeks. I am praying this goes without incident, and perhaps we are finally heading in the right direction.

I am holding to that hope with one hand, and completely terrified to let go of the security of this medication at the same time, with the other. It’s kept him healthy and I like having my son smile again. It’s so nice to see him full of life. It does my spirit such wonderful things. Yet tonight, right now in this very moment, I want to be held. I would love to be gently consoled that things are going to be okay. I’ve been fighting back the tears all day, because as much as I have been hoping for this day, I have been dreading it at the same time. It’s like letting go of the edge of the boat after being tossed from it, to see if  you can swim after all.

Maybe that is why I feel so vulnerable in writing tonight. I feel so naked at this moment. I feel stripped of certainty, and I need clothed with reassurance. But here I am on a Tuesday night, the boys in bed, and I am trying to find a way to pull it from within myself to just keep going on when I would rather throw myself on the couch, cover my head with a blanket, and demand that the world stop for just a moment until I get my reserve. If only blankets could hug, I think I would probably not emerge from my bed until the sun broke the morning.

So weird as I write this, the song Hero by Mariah Carey just came through my speakers. I’d like to think the timing of the song has meaning. I do not by any means think I am a hero of any sort, but the lyrics are a bit of a verbal hug and heaven knows I will take what I can tonight.

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