My Big Fat Life – You Suck and I Feel It.

In Uncategorized on April 7, 2014 at 9:38 pm

I don’t even know where to start this mess I feel I am standing in.

Okay.. Gabriel had his MRI today.  I won’t be posting anything the Cardiologist said, until we get a definite. I am expecting a call tomorrow. There seem to be a lot of “possible” being thrown around, and after my initial reaction of crying my heart out, I needed to step back and wait until the doctors come back with some conclusions. Or at least some ideas.

I have been stressed over the complete lack of presence of people who I have called friend. It seems as soon as things have changed with my sons health, people just seem too busy to pick up a phone and call, stop by or text. It hurts to feel the absence of those friendships in a space I really need to feel some normalcy. I seem to have this unbalance of either being smothered with attention, or there is an absence. Maybe it very well is the stress I feel right now, as I worry about my sons health. Maybe it is the grief I am feeling as I struggle to realize that my life has been all about transitions this past year, and some seem to be happening faster than I am able to keep step with. Maybe I am just surrounded by assholes. Maybe it is a bit of all these things. I’m struggling tonight to find clarity so that I might pick up a task and deal with it in a way that enhances my life and not contributes to this feeling that things are falling further apart. All I really want to is just fall into the arms of someone and fall asleep. That is the only place I want to fall, but it seems that I need to deal with the reality of the situation at hand and make some changes. I hate change. Can life just stop for a moment and settle? Just joyfully settle?

I know this post is random and babbling. It all makes sense in my head, even though I don’t have the answers I need (or want) tonight. Since I need to create some of those answers on my own, I am going to do just that and take on what I can and let the ones I can’t change, go for tonight.

Yes.. none of this makes sense. Yet to me, it makes all the sense in the world.


  1. What makes sense to you is what counts. And yes, change sucks.

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