lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – The Goodbye Girl

In Uncategorized on April 24, 2014 at 9:55 pm

Lately I have been really thinking about life. A few blogs back, I talked about the things I have learned since Gabriel has gotten ill. It’s not been easy to come to terms with a lot things that I didn’t think about, allow myself to think about or even want to think about.

One of those things is love.

Lately the boys have been talking about wanting me to date, which I find completely ridiculous considering my whole life is just about the children, doctors and school. It almost feels selfish to even think about wanting something for myself right now… ever. I have a hard enough time spending money on myself for new shoes, let alone spend time with someone else.

Truth be told, I hide behind my responsibilities a lot. I wrote a blog titled Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits (which you can find here —> https://lesbianspaghetti.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/my-big-fat-lesbian-life-3/  ) In that blog I write “The fear of exposing my heart and it being rejected is a paralyzing thought..” and that statement is as true today, as the day I wrote it. Since writing that blog, I have faced the truth that I hide behind my responsibilities as an excuse to not think about the things I want, and what it takes to get there. It’s something I have been really struggling with. It’s kind of like, I have this space that I have kept the curtains closed to, refusing the sun it’s just and rightful task to shine through the window pane and into my room.

I have come to terms that I have spent a lot of my life being told Good Bye, when I have wanted a life full of Hello. In part I think I have put myself in those spaces, because I knew it wouldn’t amount to much at the end of the day. It’s almost as if I sought out the emotionally wounded and unavailable, because I knew it would go nowhere. It was a safe dysfunction. In fact, this whole blog was birthed from one of those very relationships.

The few times I have opened my heart, I was really wounded. The failure of those relationships almost served as confirmation that it was impossible to truly be happy or make another person happy, even though I knew it wasn’t right. Yet I allowed it to serve as reminder/excuse to shut the curtains a bit tighter when I might see a bit of sun coming through.

I am so tired of living that truth.

You might be asking where all of this is coming from. Well, recently when the boys told me they want me to start dating, I thought it was a really weird thing for them to say. The conversation took place while I was driving, and all 4 boys decided to give me their two cents on my life. They all agreed that they want to see me happy, and in love. I’ve been carrying that thought around, and then tonight I happened upon a song to a movie that I have always loved; The Goodbye Girl. If there is ever a song you listen to and think “That could have been written about me!”; This is that song for me;Only I don’t get the guy in the end.

I’m so ready for a different song to be sung. Well, I’d like to be the Goodbye Girl that finds someone who would sing these words to her, so to speak. I only hope whoever it is, is as careful with my heart as I will be with theirs.

(link to the song)

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  1. Another excellent blog. You are going through such a huge growth spurt there. Congrats to your kids that they did their own version of an ‘intervention’ ! 🙂
    Yes, I think many of us can hide behind responsibilities or work to shield us from engaging with the world.
    When that world has shown you a whole lot of pain, it is easy to understand. As the saying goes, ‘the only thing constant is change’, so no matter where you are now….both good and bad…things will change.
    I’m with the kids, in hoping that you will bravely open that curtain just a bit to let all that glorious sunlight in. Who knows what could happen…..:-)

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