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Archive for November, 2014|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Life – Gabriel is sick again

In Uncategorized on November 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

After 4 days of Gabriel getting increasingly sick with pain again, and two trips to cardiology, blood work confirmed what I had been fearing. Gabriel is having a flare up of the postpericardiotonmy syndrome. The bad news is that the one colchicine isn’t keeping it at bay by itself, so they are increasing it back to two pills. The two pills a day was putting a lot of stress on his stomach, so I am sure he is not looking forward to those side effects again. The good news is because they have been able to manage it with medicine in the past, they are going to try and do that again before deciding that they have to remove his entire pericardium sac.

I’m too exhausted to even begin to descirbe all the disappointment I am feeling right now. I just know that I could use a hug. A really big hug that makes me feel safe even though I know everything really isn’t as wonderful as I would like it to be right now. I want my son to have a pain free life, with no worry of getting sick, and I want amazing things to happen not only for him but for all my children. Especially his brothers that have sat through every Drs. appointment, every test, and all the middle of the night ER runs.

I could use a miracle.

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My Big Fat Life – Eleanor to Aisle 14 Please!

In Uncategorized on November 16, 2014 at 11:47 pm

A couple of days ago I was really having a tough day.

Who am I kidding? I have had a tough week.

I went to the store a few days ago to make a quick run for cereal after an appointment. It was a typical morning around my house. Gabriel was having side effects to his medication, I was PMSing, my new relationship wasn’t going so fabulous, I had an appointment, and I was out of cereal. You know….. a typical morning.

As I left my appointment, and made it to the store, I was already listening to music in the van that was audibly pouring salt into all the wounds I was feeling. Why is that every stupid song on the radio seems to know exactly when to prey upon my funky moments?

By the time I made it to the grocery store I was already trying to figure out how I could just get in and out, go home, throw the blankets over my head, and just sulk under the covers until I was ready to emerge when life was suddenly full of blue skies, and pizza.

I grabbed a cart and begrudginly worked my way over to the cereal. As I eyed the sales on cereal, I noticed a little old lady next to me. She was shorter than my 5’5, and had some serious earrings on that looked like saucers stuck to her lobes in comparison to her small frame. She was going about her business scouting out her cereal options as I glanced her way out of the corner of my eye. I quietly studied her for a moment, and wondered what her answer would be if I asked for her answers to longevity, and sanity. I wondered to myself quietly what her secret wisdom was. Did she regret losing time stressing over things that seemed so life altering when she was younger that turned out to really not be much in the bigger picture of life? I pondered for a moment actually asking her my questions, and then realized how awkward it would seem to seek wisdom on aisle 14 over the latest cereal sale. So I pardoned myself as I scooted past her with my cart as  vision settled on the big box of Cinnamom Toast Crunch in front of me.

As I scooted past her and mumbled my pardon, she spoke. I walked a few steps before I realized she was speaking to me, and I looked back towards her. She repeated  her question “What’s wrong sweetie?”. I stood there unable to speak as I felt my eyes starting to burn and swell with all the frustrations, disappointments, and fears I was feeling that morning. I struggled to formulate the sounds to give her answer to her question as my worries burned their salty path over my cheeks. I think she could tell I was struggling to answer her question, so she instead asked me my name. I softly uttered my name with a broken voice as I reached for a box of cereal.  “What’s wrong?” she asked me again. I replied that I was just having a really tough morning. I didn’t really want to unload my life to a stranger on aisle 14, and after the trouble I had saying my name through the tears streaming down my face I really wasn’t even sure if I could even find the words if I wanted to anyways.

As she looked at this woman who was now holding a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with tears streaming down her face, she quietly said to me “It’s going to be alright. Whatever it is, it’s going to work out. I will pray for you”. She meant business, because with saying that, this woman in aisle 14 starts praying for me. Right there. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I know how to pray and all of that, but I was just caught off guard that this little old lady with saucers on her lobes was there in aisle 14 taking a moment to just be kind to a woman who was crying while clutching a box of cereal.

She finished her prayer, smiled, and repeated her belief that everything was gong to be okay. I thanked her, and proceeded to grab another box of cereal off the shelf before quickly walking away. I made it a few steps before I realized I didn’t get her name, so I turned to walk back over to where she was, and asked her name. “Eleanor” she said. We shared some plesantries, and then I told her I was just having a tough morning in a space where things just seemed a little big. She spoke with me for a few moments, advised me to “Let go, and let God” (while I have heard that saying what feels like a millions times, I am still not sure what it means exactly), I thanked her again, and worked my way to the check outs.

While life still felt a little big a few days ago, the whole interaction seemed to put a few things in perspective for me. First, I should never really go to the store when I’m having a funky morning because I always buy the crap cereal that I know the kids shouldn’t eat, but I know I am going to eat as well.  Secondly, that the simple action of asking someone if they are okay makes the big world seem a little more personal.

Gabriel is going to be on a different dose of his medication, I sadly had to let the new dating relationship go (I will admit that I took that decision pretty hard. It was a part of my tears that morning. I really liked this person), and the cereal I bought that day is now gone. While those things don’t seem as big after taking a few days to step back from it all, I hope I have learned a few things about myself in the midst of it. I am not sure exactly what the knowledge gained is yet, but hopefully when a life situation rises that needs to pull out that lesson, I will recognize it.

But I can tell you that Lucky Charms still rock as much today as they did when I was kid, and aisle 14 gave me more than cereal that morning.

Wherever you are Eleanor, thank you.

MY Big Fat Life – Tolerance, Acceptance, Pray Away The Gay, and Facebook

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2014 at 12:20 am

Recently I was unfriended on Facebook.

Before I start to sound like a whiny teenager (soory teens, but you really do get freaked out about this stuff) I have to say this was someone I considreed a realy close friend at one time. Since unfriending on social media is the new “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” talk, of course it is going to sting a bit.

The reason why I was unfriended is what really gets me though. I had posted on someones page about my journey this past year. She (the friend) somehow took it as me saying you can *pray away the gay*. Gosh how I despise that saying. I wasn’t even saying that. In fact, I never even said that people can “pray away the gay”. However I also won’t minimize the role my faith has served in how things have changed for me this past year. But that change was between God and I, and a change in my faith, not some act of praying anything away.

See, I know how that “pray the gay away” thing works. It doesn’t. At least not in the traditional way the church teaches. I’ve been there. I have spent countless hours seeking pastoral counsel, asking for prayer at the altar, talking to people, praying for God to take the thoughts away, to remove the attraction, to not send me to hell because I couldn’t seem to control my thoughts when I saw an attractive woman, and pretty much everything else I could think of to “pray away the gay”. I know how hurtful that saying can be, and I know the damage it can do.

None of the above mentioned acts changed who I was. Of course they didn’t, because I was going through church approved actions expecting a result. I was in desparate places begging for changes, change of mind, change of desire, change of who I was. But none of those things changed who I was, and unless you have been there you can’t really understand that conflict between someone who identifies as a lesbian, and their faith. You can’t understand that pain that comes with it; the feeling that somehow God just doesn’t care and tossed you to the dogs to fight this conflict on your own. It really bothers me that someone could even think they have the right to challenge me on my own personal journey from where I have been, to where I am.

Let me set this out there right now. I don’t know where people stand in their own life. I can only say this is where I am, and my change came from a very quiet place between God and I, and I won’t deny the faith factor because it makes someone else uncomfortable or feeds into their need to define me based on their experiences.

I understand there will be people who will think I am really bi, or wasn’t even a lesbian at all because of this. But that isn’t their right. It isn’t my right to define you, and it isn’t your right to define me. I have no desire to even start to tell people how to *pray away the gay*. So please don’t point fingers and demand that people accept and tolerate you and your choices, while choosing to define and accuse me for living mine. Especially if you have never lived a majority of their life struggling with the idenity of your sexuality, and faith. You don’t get it.

Someone said it perfectly to me recently. He said ” I’ve found that intolerant people are just that. Usually in most aspects of their lives… So all you really lost I suppose is a person who thinks it’s ok to be them but it’s not ok to be you.” His words have stuck with me this past week, and made a real difference. It’s so true. In fact, it’s so perfectly said I don’t even need to elaborate.

With that, I will just leav this here. This is the song that came to my mind when I thought about writing this blog. I was going to post something else, but I came right back to this. I think it’s because I am not angry, I am more hurt than anything. I think this song perfectly reflects the place where I am writing this from. This life has too much sepration amongst us all. It would be such a bettrer place if we could somehow find a place where we respect each other for who we are, and not what we are.

Peace.