My Big Fat Life – Christmas Eve Eve 5 Minutes at a Time.

In Uncategorized on December 23, 2014 at 2:39 am

It is the eve of Christmas Eve. The night before my older children arrive, and I am so excited. I can’t begin to tell you what it means to me to have those kids come and visit.

After their father and I divorced we would divide the holidays by celebrating Christmas Eve with me, and Christmas day with him. Even though they are adults now it is a tradition that has continued, and I appreciate that they take the time to make it happen every year. After a year of so many uncertainties, it’s nice to have that.

I look back on this past year, and I can’t believe how much has happened. This time last year Gabriel was only a few months pre-op, and had already been hospitalized again for pneumonia. It was a really stressful few months leading up to Christmas Eve, and I don’t think I slept too much around those months. This year Gabriel is sick again, and I still don’t sleep a lot, but I have a little bit of a better handle on things. I have learned to ask for help when I need it (this is not something I am too good at by nature), and I’ve learned that those dishes can wait until I catch a few winks. They aren’t going anywhere. Really, they aren’t.

Years ago, I learned a coping skill that has helped me a lot over the years. I’ve used it to quit smoking, and I’ve used it to get me through some tough moments. When I get to where I feel like the moment I am in is so big, I ask myself if I can make it 5 more minutes (when I quitting cigarettes, it was 2). I look at the clock, and instead of wondering how I am going to make it to the light of day, I ask myself if I can at least do the next five minutes. There have been times since I started writing this blog, that I questioned how I was going to, and there have been more than enough time this past year I was so scared what the next 5 minutes would even bring. But here I am, and right now in the this moment, I am doing it. Maybe it seems weird to break life down to moment by moment, but it’s helped me through some tough times we have faced as a family the last 365 days.

I’ve been touched by the love of my friends around me this holiday season, and this past year. People around the boys and I have stepped into those moments of time, and held my hand with active love when I stood looking at the clock.  I can’t begin to express how active love has carried me when I felt too tired to stand on my own.

Tonight I am sitting in my living room and writing this,  and while I don’t know what the next 5 minutes will bring I know that right now…. here in this moment, things are alright. I’ll take it.

(I know I’ve posted this before)


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