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My Big Fat Life – Beautiful

In Uncategorized on September 12, 2015 at 5:08 am

As most parents with teens at home will tell you, it’s not often you hear something nice about yourself. Usually you hear all the bad things, the shortcomings, the ways you are screwing it up; followed with a list of wishes, wants and needs. Rarely will you hear a compliment that reminds you that you are more than just a person who is around to make sure they don’t somehow cause mass consumption destruction to contents of the fridge, and washes their socks.

It was no great surprise I was having a really bad day when I was immiediately woken with the demands and requests of said teenagers, and feeling void of my birth identity. You know, that one where I have an acutal name.

I had to stop and get gas for the car, when I pulled up and heard the attendant say “beautiful”. I thought perhaps he was commenting on the blaring music I had going, which was Ray Lamontagne. As I turned down the music, I asked him “The music? Oh yeah.. it’s Ray Lamontagne.” He said “No, you. Beautiful…” I was really embarrassed, because as much as my heart loves to hear something nice, I really so suck at taking a compliment.

Immediately my eyes began to swell, because in the mist of a very shitty and demanding morning it was so nice to hear something that wasn’t about what I could do for someone, but was meant as a direct compliment without expectation. It took me by surprise, and that is where my tears came from. Here I was, just pulling in for some gas, and I was leaving with my spiritt touched by a simple word.

As the guy introduced himself to me, he reached out and poked my shoulder as he said  “You need to find a guy who tells you that every day.” But as I thought about what he said, I think he got it all wrong. It’s easy for anyone to tell you that you are beaitiful, but it’s a lot different when they make you feel beautiful.

I’ve had people tell me things they think I want to hear. It’s a bit of a drawback of having this blog when trying to meet people.  Because I’ve written about my romantic hopes and dreams, It puts having a relationship at a bit of a disadvantage in some ways. I never know if they are just saying what they think I want to hear based upon an entry. It leaves you wondering the validity of words, in the absence of feeling. Words can be tossed around, used and manipulate. Someone could tell me I was beautiful every day, but it’s not the same as being able to make me feel beautuful.

You would think as a writer, that words would be the natural expression I would prefer. I guess I’ve hidden behind the written word so long, that I fear my awkwardness when I vocalize how I feel. I fear soundling like an ass, or even too syrupy. Like I am  somehow stripping down my emotions, throwing them on the floor in a moment of verbal passion, and exposing them in ways that make me feel so emotionally naked. That’s not an easy place for a writer to be. In fact, it’s torment. Even writing about it is a scary thought, but at the same time so liberating in that way freedom comes from having been oppressed by the very hands that connect to the emotions they are capable of relating. Because of the fear, I have always preferred touch for expression. It’s also a pretty intimate thing to share with someone. There are differnet touches we share with people around us, but there’s something about touch between lovers that just provoke things that words can’t seem to touch themselves.It’s a beautiful place to be.

Thinking on his words, I think it was pretty sweet that someone took the time to generously share words that day. It was something my heart obviously needed to hear at that moment, and It’s great to be told nice things about ourselves without motivation or manipulation. I happen to be lucky enough that there is someone who makes me feel beautiful when he puts his arm around me, holds my hand, smiles, kisses me, or calls to tell me Goodnight. Those are all far above having someone who would tell me I was beautiful every single day, and I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for a thousand compliments from random people.

Head knowledge is great, but the heart knowledge really kicks ass.

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