My Big Fat Life – When Your Ex Won’t Let Go

In Uncategorized on September 17, 2015 at 4:25 pm

Let’s face it, nothing sucks more when you end a relationship and the ex has a hard time letting go. I’m not talking about the typical phase of someone recovering from a broken relationship, but one of those phases that last way beyond a healthy time period. While it’s not easy to watch someone hurting that you once cared about, it’s even worse when you know you are the cause of that pain. But to know that staying would hurt even worse in the long run, you leave with a sense of peace you did the right thing. That is what I did in the last relationship I had with a woman.

If I was completely honest, I was unhappy in the relationship long before I ended it. The countless arguments, the constant conversations in which she would tell me I wasn’t caring, loving, or attentive enough were damaging to my ability to feel engaged in the relationship. The arguments would circle around the belief that when she had a day off work or had nothing to do, that I should spend hours talking to her to fill up her time. They centered around my not praising her enough on Facebook, or wondering why my friends wouldn’t acknowledge her posts on my wall, or not writing enough about her either here or there. It got to a point I dreaded hearing the phone ring, opening my email, or looking at my Facebook page because I knew there would be a long message waiting for me filled with a description of yet another way in which I was letting her down. The constant way she made me feel inadequate as a partner while trying to shape me into her idea of the perfect partner, isn’t a way to live.

In fact, it really sucked.

There were two things going on in my life at the time I was dating her: I was realizing my attraction to women was pretty much zero, and my son was really sick. Even if my attraction to women wasn’t changing, I knew that separate from that, that based on her communications fundamentally she wasn’t someone I would want to spend my life. Especially how she handled things when Gabriel needed surgery. For the sake of giving an example of what communication was like, when she came to visit me while my son was in the hospital and she started crying at his beside just days after surgery. Not for him, but because she felt I wasn’t being attentive enough to her while my son was recovering from his surgery and believed me not to be as concerned about her emotional needs while I was almost too exhausted to take care of mine. I consoled her by trying to talk her down until she was calm enough to leave, but I knew at that exact moment that I needed to break up with her. That’s in addition to all the times she would text me to tell me that it pissed her off that I would share updates about his recovery progress from the hospital on Facebook before I would call her with those updates first. We’re not talking major changes; I’m talking changes that included heart rate, medication updates, and everything else that I wanted to share with those who were following his progress via Facebook. So while yes, I get that I was becoming distant based on my attractions changing, aside from it all her actions were a huge shove to not want to date her specifically. I can say this with confidence, because I was already expereincing these frustrations with her before I realized I no longer wanted to date women, and never would again.

For the record, I’m not trying to share this with intent to hurt anyone. I am just trying to show from my perspective how emotionally shitty things were at times to give insight to what I’m talking about here.

Forward to present time: I had written recently how she asked me for some space because she was still in love with me, and I could tell it hurt her to see I am dating someone seriously. I respected her request, deleted her from social media, and didn’t contact her. Then on the 11th I get a text in which she says she was hurt that I hadn’t contacted her to ask how she’s doing. I responded that I was just respecting her space but true to form, that wasn’t enough. She went off how she was fighting to keep me in her life, and how I was happy to not be friends with her. Mind you these are all accusations, not based on anything I have actually said but at this point it carries a lot of truth. One thing I have learned, is that she (and most people who thrive off as conflict if that is the only attention they can get) is that she reads all my texts in one tone: pissy. It got to the point I would even write a disclaimer in my responses that the tone wasn’t angry, or upset. Yet it never seemed to help because the accusations kept coming at me. Now I realize that wasn’t anything I did, and it’s all on her. It’s something I have realized that people who are emotionally manipulative use to pull you back into conversation that they control.

It’s been a very considerate amount of time since I broke things off with her; years at this point. Since that time our communication has looked a lot like this: “I love you”, “I understand you don’t feel the same”, “I won’t bring it up again”, things are great and we can talk as friends, she then sees something on my social media that upsets her, “I love you”, “I understand you don’t feel the same”,” I won’t bring it up again”, things are great and we can talk as friends, she then sees something on my social media…….. It’s an exhausting cycle, and frankly it’s just another way of making me feel like shit because she feels like shit.

The thing that is different this time from all the previous cycles she has tried to guilt me into, is that I jumped off and I’ve mentally flipped her off as I’m walking away. Harsh? I am sure it sounds that way. But after nearly two years of being guilted into listening to her pain, I have only come to the conclusion that I can not help her in any way and she needs help beyond what I could ever offer as a friend. Obviously years of pent-up abandonment issues were being spent on me, and while I get we all have a past, I can’t spend my time healing hers. So when I received a text a couple of days ago that she was so physically upset with me that she had to leave work because it made her sick to her stomach, I just stopped all communication completely. She had hit a new tactic, and I was not about to give it life.

I know this is a trap we have all fallen into at one time or another. The dynamics might be different in that they might be less or, forbid, more intensive. You fall into it because you really did care for this person at one time, and like I said before when you cared for someone at one time it sucks to watch them hurt. At some point you hit the floor of realization that this is bigger than you, and while you might have been a small part of why they are hurting, there are way bigger issues at play here. You can’t take full responsibility that they’re stuck in their grief; you can’t complete a puzzle with one fragmented piece. Besides, it’s not my job to complete her healing when it was obvious I wasn’t even able to complete her happiness on a basic level as a friend.

Plus, if I hear one more time “I guess I’m happy that this (meaning realizing I’m not attracted to women any longer) happened now instead of further down the road” I would probably fly off the verbal rail. I mean, ya know.. if it helps her cope and focus on believing that this was all on me, so be it. I hope she runs a fucking marathon with it. But it’s still a crappy thing to keep repeating, because I don’t think I ever told her that her fragile mental state was something I was happy to learn about so early on, instead of years down the road. It’s just not something that sounds appropriate to say to someone you claim to want to stay as a friend in your life. That isn’t something that I would ever consider saying to any of my friends.

The reality is, I don’t think she wants me as a friend. She wants me as a possibility. I don’t think any of her actions have been extended as a friend, but more as an active hope that she would still be able to claim some portion of my life as hers, and I don’t want that on me. When I decided to open myself up to meeting someone special, I knew that meant knowing I have no past hanging onto me. We all have a past, and some have a difficult time leaving it there. I didn’t want to be that person, and I didn’t want parts of it hanging onto me in way that takes from space I have for someone else. When you have an ex that calls you and puts you through this cycle constantly, it does take from you. While dating I have expected that the others putting themselves out there have made resolutions with their past, so why should it be different with me? It shouldn’t be. I have made resolutions with my past. I have no hang ups or unresolved emotional crap from past relationships, so I can’t allow her to suck me into hers. Because by proxy, she is trying to sabotage any possibility I have anywhere else.

I won’t allow her to suck me into hers.

She says she stopped reading my blog so I’m not writing in hopes she will read this and see some passive message to get to her. I truly hope she has stopped reading my stuff, because it allows me to feel more liberated to stick to my intent for this blog; to share my journey unadulterared. If she hasn’t I suspect this will provoke another email or text message that will include some horrible message that would just leave me feeling like a horrible person. Neither of which I will see. because I have blocked her from all venues of engaging with me. Emails go to spam, text messages float into the air, I’ve blocked on FB so now her healing solely rests in her responsibility. I am sure there are people who will think this is a crappy thing to do, but when grief becomes abusive it only becomes a brick tied around the feet of those it touches. Or maybe she will read this, realize I have a point of view, and take some responsibility for her actions so it doesn’t touch others she may become involved with. That would be a good thing, because I would like her to find her happiness with someone someday.

Any possibility of friendship between her and myself has been completely exhausted. I think I have done all I can, and more than I should have. I wouldn’t have spent this much time lettting someone verbally manipulate me had I not felt some sense of responsibility. Not that I believe I was awful to her and I was somehow making up for it, but I knew my situation was exceptional in that I broke up with her and there were bigger dynamics going on in my reasons. But I walk away even more confident in my choices and a heck of a lot stronger for the brusing.


  1. Excellent blog…again. I know I seemingly ‘fell off the planet’, but have been working endless hours trying to make life work here. Anyway……you are so correct in breaking off all contact. I am so happy that you have found happiness again! You and Gabriel and the other kids deserve it. Yes, you are not responsible for your ex’s happiness, and never were. What you laid out here, shows that you went above and beyond in trying to make that relationship work. She cried when Gabriel had surgery because you were not paying enough attention to,her?!?!? You should have kicked her out and gone running as far away from her as possible back then! Oh well. We all learn at our own speed. Lol.
    One of these days, when I can come up for air from working, I do hope to be able to chat more. You have been most kind with your offers to allow me to chat. Until then, you enjoy your new freedom and happiness that you have found. I am thrilled for you! And if the person referred to above ever tries to make contact again, tell them to leave and ‘don’t let the door hit you on the behind on the way out’. 😉

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