lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – NYE in the ICU

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2015 at 3:00 pm

I’m writing this from the ICU where Gabriel is in a medicated sleep. He had surgery yesterday morning on his heart again. This time it was the pericardium strip. The Drs. are hoping this cures Gabriel from the chronic surgically induced percarditis that has been plaguing him since his initial heart surgery in 2013.

I have to say that I am amazed at how brave he is about it all. He wanted this surgery so bad, and was even excited to have it done. Me, on the other hand, cried like a wuss and was terrified for him to go under again. But then again, I get a paper cut and the whole world needs to halt. I wish I had an ouce of the courage he seems to have. I’m beyond grateful that Gabriel has such a great team of doctors that have been proactive to see that Gabriel had this procedure done, because speaking to others on the forums has taught me that this isn’t always the case. I’m beyond thankful that they care about him in the way they do, that makes me feel like he is more than just a pateint, but someone they honestly care about.

There’s a baby that has been recently brought to the ICU floor, and the poor thing has been crying a majority of the time. I can’t help but remember what it was like that day that Gabriel was transported by ambulance up to Portland after he was born, and sent to the NICU. I was so scared that day and I feel for the mom who must be worried, stressed out, and terrified for her baby. It takes me back to the when Gabriel was a newborn himself, and transpoted to the NICU shortly after birth. He was such a sick baby, and it seems despite his naturally easy going nature, his health has always been a struggle. I really hope whoever the parents are, they are surrounded with as much support as I feel today.

It’s hard not to be reminded about how things were the last time I sat in the ICU with him just over 2 years ago. I don’t really recall it being so sunny outside, even though he had his surgery in summer. Yet as I look out the huge window next to me, the sun outside would have you deceived into thinking it’s warm outside even though the temperature has a different story to tell which is pretty symbolic of the rainbows I’ve chased in the past. I also don’t recall being this comforatble with things even though it really sucks to see him in pain when he is awake and I feel helpless that I can’t make the pain go away  (trust I am constantly asking the nurses about keeping on top of his pain meds). Maybe I don’t remember those things because I was in a much different place in my life, though I am sure part of it was because I was paralyzed with the fear that I am certain most parents feel when they see their child right after open heart surgery, and with a breathing tube. I do recall though that when Gabriel was in ICU last that watching him struggle made me question my own life, and it’s where I had my great epiphany that life wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I came face to face with my own mortality, and it was like meeting a stranger that I didn’t know how to talk to. It was in that moment that I was honest with myself, and feel that God was giving me the directions He was patiently waiting me to ask for. If you’ve ever been in the car with me while I got lost, you’d understand how sometimes this can take awhile while I insist on navigating getting lost on my own. This time though there have been no great questions, no great revelations that life isn’t on the path I don’t want it to be; because despite the reason we are here I honestly feel like life is in a much better place than where it was two years ago, and the things I would change now are probably the typical things most people would if they had the power and an extra million lying around.

Since his first surgery we’ve moved, the kids are doing amazing with their studies, and life in general is calmer (if that’s ever truly possible with teenagers). The biggest personal change is that I met someone who in a world full of people, makes me believe that love stories do exsist. He’s kind, generous, gentle, careful with my heart, and I’m crazy in love with his smile, and the man he is. Sometimes it seems surreal that all the things I believed about love that were just a legend, really do exsist. He’s made me a believer.

Every year I tell myself that I am going to go out and be an adult for New Years Eve. One of the few past attempts I had,  I ended up abandoned by my friend on the dance floor of a drag bar, so she could kiss the girl she had a crush on a few bars down the road. I caught a cab to my car and ended up home minutes past midnight. This seems pretty randomly average for me so I didn’t take a great offense by it, but it served as yet another miss for the target at having fun on New Years. This year it seems almost appropriate that I will be sitting in the hospital room with Gabriel while his health is hopefully being given back to him, and with my amazing boyfriend while a million people gather outside of Times Square, or on the dance floors of drag bars across America, to celebrate a day that people use to mark change. I wouldn’t trade places with any of them if given the chance. I’m not only where I need to be, but where I want to be. Being able to say that both are a perfect coupling is a pretty amazing thing.

 

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