My Big Fat Life – Break On Me

In Uncategorized on January 19, 2016 at 11:38 am

Gabriel update – Things seem to be going okay. It’s hard for me to tell what’s normal and what isn’t since I’ve never seen a normal healing from heart surgery with him. It was a complicated result last time, so I am hoping this time continues to go without any major hurdles. He is almost completely off the prednisone, I think this is his last week, so I guess the real test of how well the surgery worked will be in the weeks after he finally goes off completely.

Like last time, I have been questioning my life and where it’s going. It’s difficult to not when I watch one of my children go through something so big. It’s not about making sure I am on the right track for me, but for them as well. I’ve started to deal with my weight gain, something that I put on the shelf after I got together with the ex, and it feels really good to start moving around again in a positive way. I gave up soda and trying the water thing which isn’t a natural transition for me. Water just grosses me out.

The other thing I am working on, is owning my emotions. Anyone who knows a writer, knows that the one thing we tend to do is hold our emotions in, process them, and often how we hear the result in our mind is a dramatic reading of a dramatic screenplay. We just feel things to the core. It’s not something that is always an easy thing to convey into words, oddly, and at times keeps me from being able to audibly describe the maze of emotions I am trying to navigate. Because of this, there are many times I have just let things become a pathway that leads to a dead end. I’ve had to create so much closure in my own in life, that it’s become a natural response to walk into a dead end and instead of looking at it as the wrong path, I look at it as another moment I need to create the ending of a story. I’m so sick of that, and I’m trying not to keep repeating that ending. I’ve had to ask myself why it is I even do it to begin with, and the best I can come up with is as I mentioned before, it’s just something I have had to do in my life to survive and move on, and I’m terrified of being vulnerable to the idea that the turning around and looking for a different way might lead to another dead end. That might seem like an easy thing to do, but to actively do so involves being open and talking and all that other stuff that I am certain will lead to people being sick of me which is probably the single most thing I have to actively work on learning is a lie I heard years ago. I hate to play the blame game here, but my mom alwys used to tell me that I was her worst child and she didn’t have one functional relationship in her life because people hated me. It’s not always easy to remove the belief from your mind that you were fed on a regular basis, but of course I know now that nothing worked for her because she was a crazy insane woman who drove people away, even her children…. but that is another therapy session. Anyways, I am working on it even though it’s a terrifying thing. Sometimes the sound of my own voice is like catching a glimpse of your shadow against the street light on a dimly lit street and letting out a gasp until you realize it’s just you and it’s okay.

One thing I have to say is that I feel safe in the place I am. I love the man I am with, and when I feel like I hit a dead end, I trust I can take his hand and wherever I am I feel safe with him. No one has ever made me feel so completely safe before and for the first time in my life I feel like I can be myself and still be loved. It’s such an awesome thing since I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be the right thing for other people, and here I am with someone that I don’t even feel like I have to try to be anything other than myself.

(disclaimer.. I didn’t edit this entry because I am running late to run a few errands. Take this as a living example of how I am just learning to embrace my imperfections with courage and trust you’ll still like me even though I suck at typing)



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