Archive for March, 2016|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Life – Goodnight.

In Uncategorized on March 17, 2016 at 10:30 pm

April 18th, 2011 I wrote my first entry on this blog even though for legal reasons it’s  now on private. I can’t recall where my keys currently are, but somehow I remember that night vividly. I was feeling pretty alone in this world, and writing seemed to be the only place I could talk at 2am. That was a tough time. I had lived in that forsaken town and I was now on my own. I knew no one, I was suddenly on my own paying all the bills, and every promise made to me was broken. It’s hard to believe almost 5 years has passed since that night. I remember being so afraid for what the next day held, and here I am so far away from that time alienated in more ways than I would have imagined at the time.

The past 5 years has brought some changes:

I’ve learned you can’t live like it’s the last moment of your life at all times, because dishes still need washed and you need clean socks.

We don’t always let the small stuff go despite how close to death we have stood, because what might seem small tomorrow can still feel pretty big today.

My Mom is most likely the mutant offspring time traveller from a parallel universe where she is the result of a verbal love affair between Stephen King and M Night Shamalayn.

I have lived through a divorce, a 3am call from Japan when my son called to tell me he had cancerous growth, another son with 2 open heart surgeries, my daughter got married, 4 rings, three marriage proposals, two exes that wouldn’t let go, realizing I’m not gay, and the American Embassy mediating a partridge in a pear tree.

I’ve learned that protecting something means standing up against a threat coming at you, and insecurity is holding a weapon aimed at your fears, which in reality is pointing the weapon at yourself.

Fear is not fact. You can split hairs on that, but I think you get what I mean.

I’ve learned that people expected me to write love letters, but had zero clue how to write one to me. I’ve also learned that the best way to write love, is to live it.

I’ve been at my sons beside twice in ICU after open heart. The first time I was in a demanding relationship with someone who I was unhappy with that added to my stress on a deep level, and seeing my son on a ventilator made me realize I wasn’t even living the life I wanted. The second time I had a supportive partner, and I saw first hand how all the difference being with someone who is unconditional, is. He was kind, compassionate, thoughtful, sensitive, and not once made me feel bad for crying or being stressed out. I saw a part of life that I wanted.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to speak my mind, and those worth my time will talk to me about how it makes them feel if they take issue. Those who just walk away without notice were/are self serving. Fuck them.

“Friends” who continue to be offensive towards you when you have spoken to them about how hurtful they are being towards you, are also self serving assholes. Fuck them too. Friends talk, friends compromise, friends try to clear the air or at least have a mututal respect even when you don’t agree. Anything less is just an aquaintance. 

I’ve learned that anyone who tries to make me feel crazy for feeling the way I do, isn’t worth my time. It’s okay to be wrong and misunderstand. It’s called being human. Those who value your friendship and/or relationship will take the time to talk to you about it because they care and understand that maybe you aren’t seeing all the facts. It’s not okay  when someone tries to make you feel crazy or stupid because of how you feel in that moment. If they do, chances are you just called them out on their bullshit and they want to put it on you rather than be honest or take responsibility. They don’t care about your feelings, they just care about not having to deal with it. Fuck that group of people too. Trust me on this.

Don’t be with someone who is never wrong and isn’t willing to apologize when they are. Always own what is yours, but be with someone who loves you enough to be humble as well and own what’s theirs as well. It’s not about always being right. Love is not a competition between the two of you. You’re a team, and teams figure out how to be strong….. together. 

Don’t be with someone who claims every failed relationship was because of the other person. This is a red flag, and you should run as quick as your feet can take you. I don’t care how good they look. There is not one person in this world who is gorgeous enough to ignore the red flags for. No. One. Looks fade, my friends. Crazy will always be.

I’ve encountered a variety of these people in the couse of 5 years, and it’s with confidence I warn you about them. Maybe you are like me and won’t heed a bit of advice I give, because perhaps this is different and your situation will turn out differently. For your sake I hope it is, and it does. If it doesn’t though, don’t kick yourself too hard. Just live better. Trust me, you can.

*end of list, but not end of lessons learned*

A few days ago a friend of my son-in-law made an update on his Facebook page. It says to   let others know how much you love them, because you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow. He has experienced a lot of loss in his life lately, and was feeling it. He died in a car accident the day after writing that update. His last words to people who commented were of love, and making plans to get together. That’s his legacy. Not some angry status update, not words that hurt, nor some crazy meme. I was almost guilty of that with the last blog I published which I am sure you notice has since been removed. I promised myself when I started this I woudln’t censor myself short of committing libel, but I didn’t want to leave that up there. While I was pretty upset, one thing I didn’t do was own my part in what happened. I wasn’t free of guilt by any means, and I can only work on my responses to things so that I don’t so the same thing again. Not repeating the same shit is ultimately the best apology one can make, thankfully we talked and are working it out, but I realize that blog entries like that not the legacy I want to leave behind. It’s because of this I decided that the time has come for me to take a break from writing. There are things I want to do now that Gabriel has had his surgery, and I would like to just focus on those things this season of life. I need to do some self-care, and experience some life. I need to learn to not live in crisis mode 24/7, and take a breath. I feel like my blog started as a result of a horrible situation that happened in a horrible place, and now that I am out of both horrible spaces, I need to venture out and have a few adventures in better places with better people, holding the hand of my person.

I am not fully abandoning this blog, because  a part of my history is written here. I will come back from time to time, but I’m not sure when. Maybe it will be months, maybe longer.. who knows. I don’t want to think about it. If you want to, you can email me anytime you want to talk or reach out, and I will respond.

Thank you all for being a part of my journey. I couldn’t have done this without your love and support.

I wish you all love, peace, and happiness..

Much love,