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Archive for March, 2017|Monthly archive page

My Big Fat Life – Biopsy

In Uncategorized on March 9, 2017 at 1:27 am

Recently I had a biopsy. It was one of the more painful experiences I have had, and one I don’t wish on anyone. It was probably worse than the waiting for results, but the waiting certainly sucked.

I was convinced they would find something, thank god they didn’t, because my body has been an asshole. While I am super happy they didnt find anything, it still didn’t provide any resolution to help fix what’s seemingly wrong, so that part sucks.

During the waiting period I went through some self reflection as scenarios played out in my head. What if I was sick, who would take care of my kids? What about all the things on my life list that I haven’t done yet? Why did I wait so long to start marking things off, and what if they never came to pass? Am I happy, truly happy, where my life is now? I couldn’t give myself any answers either in the heightened moments of anxiety, other than through it all I was experiencing something I hadn’t really had before, and that was the support from someone I love.

In my life I have been through some pretty big situations, as we all have. I dont really know how many people tried to be there for me, as I had pushed people away in my need to cope and survive. I somehow believed love would only bring a level of vulnerability that would only weaken me when I needed to focus on being strong. That might sound backwards, but any attempts up to this point had only proven to be one big disaster after another. Letting go of people and relationships in the face of a storm was my nautral shedding of anything I didn’t deem as essential to survive whatever it was I was going through. In my mind it was the right thing to do, ¬†not too much unlike people who are facing hypothermia and start shedding their clothing. When I read those stories I alwys think to myself “what the heck were they thinking?” but when you are in that place at the moment you truly feel like you are doing what you need to survive, no matter how backwards it is.

Years ago when I was reading Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller) I had read something that resonated with me in a very powerful way. Donald writes:

“I’ve had about fifty people tell me that I fear intimacy. And it is true. I fear what people will think of me, and that is the reason I don’t date very often. People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn’t like me. That is the number one thing that scares me about having a wife because she would have to know me pretty well in order to marry me and I think if she got to know me pretty well she wouldn’t like me anymore.”

Well if that isn’t my truth I don’t know what is. Things are far easier to maintain as long as things stay on a superfical level. There is no fear of getting hurt, being abandoned, having to nourish love when things get tough in other spaces of my life, or even having to think how my reactions might affect another. In all honesty, I become selfish to survive and knowing this has always kept me from even considering to be open to sharing life, really sharing life with someone else. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever truly been in love before now because of this. I have never truly been in a place to share life with another person up close and openly. I used to think this was the ideal way to live. My years invested in long distance, and shallow part time relationships is my testament to this truth.

While that is no longer my truth,  oftentimes I need to rewrite what I believe to be true, and it has been one of the most raw, true and beautiful chapters I have ever lived.

While I feel I was somehow given more time to finish writing the book of my life, I still feel like there are some chapters I need to start working on. The urgency I feel to start living and stop dreaming has felt a bit big at times, and I am not sure exactly if I need to really dive head in, or stop for a moment and remind myself that even if I never see a firefly that my life is pretty awesome right now as it is. I’m working that balance out, because I don’t want to give up on my dreams just yet. Instead I want to share them with him and be a part of his as well. I’ve never wanted that before, and perhaps that is the best part of it all.