lesbianspaghetti

My Big Fat Life – Post Break Up Arrival

In Uncategorized on April 5, 2018 at 2:43 pm

It’s been a few months since the break up, and I have had a lot of time to think about things.

1.) My life is incredibly better without him.

a.) I have more time to do the things I want to do, instead of having to revolve my life around his dumb choices and consequences.

b.) Not only do I get to pursue the things I want to, I don’t have to deal with the fact he used my ideas and creative products for his own glory and then take credit for it. I finally get what his ex wife was saying about this.

2.) I don’t miss the shitty sex.

a.) I settled with the most bland version of vanilla one could ever find. It was even more bland than Wal-mat vanilla. If the government issued vanilla, it would still be tastier than him.

b.) I spent the better part of two years having bitch sessions with my friends about the bland vanilla sex.

c.) My friends no longer have to endure my bitching about the bad sex.

3.) I no longer have to deal with the ripples of him enabling his adult child.

a.) I will never, ever again put myself in the position of having to do that. When people used to ask me why I never dated people with children,  this is why.  When someone enables it becomes your problem too, because it does affect you whether they think it does or not. It’s not a fun place to be.

4.) I don’t have to live ever wondering what he is up to next, because it is no longer my circus and not my clowns.

One might wonder how I ever came to fall in love with a man who ended up being such a shitty partner and lover, and trust me there are times I do as well. the fact remains though, I did love him very much. I invested more of myself into that relationship than I ever had with someone before. I wanted to believe that somehow I mattered, and he cared about my feelings. I should have known when he put his exes feelings above my own, that wasn’t ever going to be the case, but somehow I wanted to believe it would change. I wanted to believe that my love would make a difference and somehow he would one day see that I was here and doing the work, but if he did, he didn’t share that sentiment with me. He never stood up and said to me “It wouldn’t matter if she wanted to come see me, because I know how it would make you feel and your security in this relationship matters more than her feelings”. It still burns that he never could say that, or would, but instead made it all about me and some deep rooted trust issue that was my problem, not his. At least he was consistent with never taking personal responsibility for anything he did. Not with me, not in the past, and likely not even now. He’s good at saying what people want to hear, but in all reality he doesn’t abide by it. He has an entire book based on his choices that hurt others and often gloated in the attention he received by it, never really taking responsibility.

I can still recall the day I had made the choice to leave him and wanted out. It took me time to build up to that moment, but thankfully he beat me to the punch. For a very brief moment I wanted to work it out, but very brief. I was maybe one text in, or two, and thought to myself “What the hell are you doing? You had planned to break it off the night before. LET IT GO!” and I did. The relief in that moment of realizing I would never have to see his face, or deal with his shit again, just released. I felt gravity had released me and I was floating in freedom. My tears and sadness came from grieving the emotional exhaustion that had made me a prisoner of a bad investment. I was just so tired. My heart was just so tired.

I sometimes still hurt that I had believed in him, and our future. I still hurt that I gave someone so unworthy of the attention my time, love and affection, all that I had. I wanted to believe in my dreams more than the reality because just once I wanted to. I wish I hadn’t, but that lesson is too late to turn around. Instead I am trying to forgive myself and get to know myself better with the the new arsenal of understanding people like him and how to avoid them. I simply can’t allow myself to walk that path again. I need to know I matter, my feelings and thoughts matter, and that I am worth the work it takes to make me feel safe and loved with unsolicited validations and character. I want to trust, fully. I want to be able to not worry what is going on behind my back and hurt about the things said or not said to my face. That is exactly what I want.

Perhaps life has us step in a pile of shit to learn how to avoid it the next time, who knows. All I know is that while I navigate the mine field of shit explosions I am so thankful.. so very thankful.. to have that mess cleaned up.

I wonder if there is a new satirical song to be written about washing that man off your foot rather than out of your hair..

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: