lesbianspaghetti

About


I’m a Portland Oregonian. I think the sun is an urban legend, and I’m learning how to survive the loss of my marriage.

Wait, let me rephrase that: I’m surviving the loss of my marriage.

You can contact me at:

lesbian_spaghetti@yahoo.com

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  1. Liked your post,quite funny.I do think working at home with kids is sometimes even more demanding than going to work outside the home having “lunch breaks” Ect! At home work never stops,even when you need a pee break!

    • I know, right? Like I can just plop my bum on the couch and watch the soaps while shoving cookies down my gizzard. .not!! I don’t get to clock out at the end of the day. Her response to me was “well, you chose it” . . Which is true. But do you think I could say that back to her when she worked a double shift, and I carried all of her responsibility so she could rest? Nope. She’d have called me inconsiderate. It was just another way for her to decide I’m awful, is all. It’s a shame, I was a pushover for her.

  2. Hello- I too am grieving the loss of my partner- or the “leaving” rather, as loss implies permanence. Her absence might be permanent- I’m not crazy enough to believe otherwise- but while we are both alive roaming the planet, there is always hope…

    I thought you might be interested in a couple of forums that provide support for people who want to fight or “stand” for their marriage- one is divorcebusting.com, the other, a spawn for true “standers” is mlcforum.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com.

    This approach is not for everyone- only for those, I think anyway, that believe in their partner and their marriage heart and soul. For the very few people who REALLY meant what they said when they said ” ’til death do us part”- no ifs, ands, or buts.

    The common thread running through both forums is that sometimes perfectly good, kind, loving people go a little “nuts”. Almost always, we, the “left behind spouse” (LBS), played no small role in driving them to that crazy place. The idea is that you gather yourself as best you can, despite the most horrific pain imaginable- avoid begging, pleading, blaming and obsessing about your spouse, and instead confront head-on the lousy parts of yourself that could use some work- the best you can do for your marriage is to put yourself through relentless introspection and find the courage and strength to corral and stomp out your own demons. To be as kind as possible to everyone, including your spouse- and take care of yourself and your family as best you can during this terrible time.

    The spouse who takes off, assuming they were previously stable and kind and thoughtful, has embarked on a journey of their own- to finish the process of growing up and dealing with their own demons. This may well take many months- more likely years.

    If you read the forums, you will not be so bewildered by the horrible things your spouse uttered, or the devastating abandonment of both you and the children- they almost all do that, as if by script. That said, while very few LBSs have the patience (or unconditional love?) to “wait”(more than a few months anyway), I have seen quite a few situations just as awful as yours- some much worse- come back around to happy marriages.

    The love letter you posted from your spouse before she “dropped the bomb” gives me hope that the woman who said those terrible things and left you and your family is, of course, not (at all) the woman you married, but far more importantly, is also not the woman at all- not who she is at her core.

    I think the most important factor to consider when deciding whether or not to “stand” is to listen closely to your heart as to who your partner is at her core- not to excuse her bad behavior presently- but you KNOW who she is at her core. This is something I wish more people would do before they marry in the first place.

    I hope these thoughts help you in your terrible grief. I completely agree with your feeling “stung” by the comments from others that mean well, but that cause me even greater pain- and make me feel they never respected our marriage.

    It’s kind of a lonely place for me, not just because the love of my life, my soulmate, my beloved partner has taken off leaving me in the wake of devastating grief, but because almost all true “standers” (not that there are many) are Christian* and believe being gay is a sin. Am I the only (hopefully agnostic) lesbian standing for my marriage? *That said, one of my greatest friends through this has been a wonderful Christian man who saved his own marriage and though he admits he thinks homosexuality is a sin, he still prays for me that my partner comes home someday and has been an incredible source of support- and a lot of fun as well.

    Anyway, take heart in that there is not only hope that your marriage may be saved someday (should you decide to work on it heart and soul- and go on the wildest ride of your life, which will require all the courage and love you can muster- and then some), but there is certainly lots of hope that you can use this pain to truly “grow up” yourself and become the person you know you were meant to be, for both your children and yourself.

    Hang in there!

    • Loren,

      I am sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to feel as though that one person you were meant to spend life with, decides to leave.

      I am not sure I fully agree that divorce should not be an option. In some cases, it is simply the best option in the most difficult of circumstances.

      I do believe though that to walk away from a family for the reason she did (she said she wasn’t “happy”) is very indicating of a person who is not happy with themselves, and projects it onto others to make them happy for whatever reasons they have.

      While I believe simply walking away because you’re not “happy” is not a good enough reason to quit (would you throw away a priceless vase simply because it was cracked, or figure out how to fix it?) I do think I really don’t want to be with someone who is that weak. I need to know that the person I am with is dependable, strong and is there. I tried to make it work, I worked my ass off trying to figure out what I could do. But she simply shut me out. Stubborn, pride, whatever… but it was her desire to put self above “us” that led us to this point.

      I would like to think she isn’t as bad as she can behave. But then again, her display of refusal to do the right thing by the children who called her Mom and keep the promises she made them, and myself, shows me a lot of who she really is when things come down to the core of integrity. It’s not about us, her family, or her word. It’s about her. Family and partnership is not that out of balance.

      I love her, I do. ..a heart doesn’t change that fast. However, I need to find my path, put one foot in front of the other and carry myself strong. She screwed us over, big time. But I will not let her break my spirit. That means moving on from any hope, idea or thought that she will wake up one day and get it.

      I did do all those things Loren. I worked on myself, went to counseling, always asked what I could do to make her happy, make her feel special and I tried to fix those things about myself that she complained about. But no matter what, when one discussion would happen, it would seem the bottom of her world fell out. She put a lot on me to make her happy. Happy enough to drown out the demons that screamed in her head of hurts in the past. That is a lot to put on a person and a relationship. No one, absolutely no one, can live up to that.

      I would have done it though, if I could have. But until she realizes that facing those demons head on while allowing me to support her in the process, instead of being the process, there is nothing I or any partner after me can do.

      It breaks my heart, but I can not allow it break me..

      I really appreciate your comment and I will def. check out the forums.. big hugs and know that I hope the best in your situation for you..

  3. Lia, I’m skahammer from Gawker. Drop me a line.

  4. Hey! Again, I doubt this kind of stuff is your thing…. but I can’t help but give you these blog awards. Every needs to read you!!! because I LOVE YOU!!!!! #creeper

    https://ipockolypse.wordpress.com/2015/09/18/the-lovely-blog-award/

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