lesbianspaghetti

Archive for the ‘children’ Category

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – The Dr Called My Son

In Blog, cancer, children, Uncategorized on April 2, 2012 at 8:39 pm

….and pathology report is…

NO cancer in thyroid!!!

NONE!

ZERO!

ZILCH!

At this moment he is cancer free!!!

I’m just so freaking happy!!!!

Advertisements

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – I’m Angry. I’m Sad. I’m Hurt. I’m Angry.

In Aaron Jamison, Blog, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, communication, connection, Crying, Current events, emotions, encouragement, Facebook, feelings, Friend, friendship, God, grief, healing, health, kindness, Lesbian, Life, Love, military, Mom, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, Portland, portland oregon, Questions, relationships, religion, women, Writing on March 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

A couple of days ago my son had his 4th surgery. This time, they removed half of his thyroid because of a growth.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I was expecting him home in April (he’s stationed overseas, Marines). I haven’t seen him once since his cancer diagnosis a year ago.

They’re not sending him home in April. In fact, it could be months before his discharge now.

He posted a pic of his surgical scar on his Facebook wall after surgery, and my heart just sank. Well meaning friends have tried to keep my eyes on the fact my son is still alive, getting care, and will be home. But I’m angry, and I need to be angry. Of course I’m thankful my son is still alive, in medical care, and will be home.

But I’m angry.

I’m angry that my son has cancer at 22. I’m angry I can’t be with him. I’m angry he has to have surgery. I’m angry he is left with the scars to remind the very real battle he is fighting. I’m angry that I can’t be angry and feel like I have permission to be angry.

I’m grieving. Anger is an important part of the process, and I can’t skip one piece to reach acceptance. It’s like building a bed, but eliminating the sides of the frame. If you don’t add all the pieces, it will just keep falling apart every time you lay down. Repeating the motion will produce the same result. I need to be angry, be free to be angry, be free to say it out loud and feel safe in doing so.

I know people mean well, and I’m blessed to have people in my life who love and care enough to want to remind me of what’s good. I love each and every one of them for it. I just need to be angry too, and be told its OK to hurt that my son is dealing with such big stuff in his life, and know that this feeling is normal as I watch my son stand through this. It doesn’t reflect on my faith, but rather the fact I’m human.

I’m sad, I’m hurt…

I’m angry…

and it’s OK.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Dancing My Life

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, C.S. Lewis, children, Choose Joy, christian, Current events, dating, equality, Facebook, family, feelings, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Musician, Oregon, portland oregon, relationships, single, women, Writing on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to dance under the night sky.

It’s actually on my life list of things to do.. Dance under the stars with someone I love. I used to think it would be the ultimate of romantic. Music playing softly, holding close, and just getting lost in the moment.

Of course since I have written that list, things have changed. My understanding of what love is and how love acts is much bigger than those tender moments we share, but rather dancing under the night sky can be the dance of two hearts just being close. It’s a dance all it’s own.

I’ve neglected my list in quite sometime. Maybe because somewhere along the line I realized that going from goal to goal sounds boring. It’s all the moments that take place in between that mean the most to me.

So while I still would like to experience some of those things, I’d like to live in between all of those moments.

Stars are good, stars are magical. But life, is amazing.

My life list..

1. Fly in an airplane for the FIRST time. (see Tennessee)

2. I would really like to start playing the cello again. (Bought one May 2010) — (update.. Cello no more. It was the victim of my divorce)

3. See St. Peters Basilica

4. Dance under the stars with someone I love.

x. Ride in a hot air balloon. (2010 I am changing this. They are pretty to watch, but I think I want mark it off as “eh, I can do without even going up in one.” So.. Move to the country. Or at least somewhere I have my open skies again. (Update, 8/2015 – done!)

6. Changed from original.. My original #6 isn’t realistic.. So I’m changing it to get the nerve to Karaoke, no matter how bad I suck.

7. Meet Diane Sawyer.

8. Own a used bookstore.

9. Go out on Puget Sound in a sail boat.

10. See a show on Broadway, or a Broadway show.

11. Go to the ballet.

12. Learn to play the harp.

13. See Southern California.

14. See Chicago

15. See Boston

16. Plant an all white flower garden

17. This one is personal, but I’ll let you know when it happens

18. See Disneyland

19. See the Northern Lights

x. Learn to ice skate – Jan. 1 2009 – Sherwood Oregon, Gordon Z

x. Go to an art museum – Jan 31 2009 Portland Art Museum. I stood in front of a Monet and Renoir and Van Gogh! Amazing..

22. Get a tat

23. Finish writing my book

x. Finally go to OMSI- April 4th 2009 – Went with Kel! Yay! 🙂 Had fun, saw an interesting exhibit on the Mona Lisa

25. Work on one investigative story for Dateline NBC or 20/20.

26. Deep sea fishing.

x. Finally get the nerve to dye my hair black..April 26 2009 I did it

28. (adding this one 2010) Meet Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger

29. (adding 2010) See a firefly.

30. Meet Tyra Banks

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – This Is My Life

In AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, feelings, finances, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, movies, Myspace, Netflix, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, same sex, single, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, women, Writing on January 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

For some reason I thought it had already been 9 months that had passed, but in reality it’s just passed. That’s a good thing, because that tells me my life has continued in a more positive light. I’ve been writing more about the things the my life is about now, then it was when I was married. Another good indicator that I’ve moved on.. That I’m whole again.

Because of that, I’ve decided that I may continue writing up until the year mark, but I’d like to focus more on my life today and where I’m going now. This blog will no longer be about My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce, but instead my life.

I thought I might wait until that year mark, but honestly I’m ready now. Because I’m living.. now.

As of today, I’d like to introduce you to My Big Fat Lesbian Life.

Hi, I’m Lia.

I’m a woman,

A Mom,

This is my life.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Rain, Rain Don’t Go Away *waves good-bye to 2011*

In 2011, blog, Blue Like Jazz, children, christian, Christmas 2011, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, family, Flowers, Friend, gardening, gay, God, grief, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, Laughing stars, lesbian, LGBTQ, Love, marriage, Mary J Blige, Natasha Bedingfield, New Years Eve, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, Portland Oregon, Rain, Relationships, single, The Little Prince, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women, writing on December 31, 2011 at 11:36 am

Dang what a year it’s been.

I don’t use today to mark my choice to make some big changes with a resolution list, I believe change should happen now. I know that people tend to look at it as some sort of day to mark as the big change day, but I want to change things right where I am. And I made a lot of changes in 2011.

The real year mark comes this April when I made the change to end my marriage and get out of a bad situation. Had I stayed, well.. it scares me to think where I would be today.

I’m not sure if she was home for NYE, though she probably wasn’t. I do recall thinking to myself that I wanted to not be sitting around for the holiday, again. In all my adult years, I’ve been out only twice for NYE. I had mistaking thought it was only once, but I recalled a really bad date I had years ago. I’m not a party girl and honestly would rather snuggle in with someone I love watching movies and eating pizza. I like going out for great food and all of that stuff, but standing around in a huge crowd of strangers after paying out some insane entry fee to a NYE party, just isn’t my thing. I’d rather spend that money on a new pair of heels or something equally wonderful. But mostly, it just goes to bills.

I picked up my daughter yesterday, and I was so happy to see her. She came bearing pressies for the family. We decided to have our Christmas together, post Christmas. As we piled out of the van (yes van. There is a blog I am working on, it’s an amazing thing) and stepped up to the door, we found a package left at the door. It was from my son overseas. It was his pressies for his brothers. There I stood feeling as though I had both of older children arrive at the door at the same time to celebrate with us. It was amazing timing, and so medicinal for my soul. We opened pressies, had chinese food and smiled. It was a wonderful feeling to have the sense of all my children together in the same room for the holidays.

I am not sure where some of you are, that read my blog. Which by the way, thank you for reading. If you are in a bad place, a bad relationship or a crappy situation… don’t wait to make that change. Courage is not something that comes first, it’s something that arrives during. That first step belongs to you. Don’t worry about what the possibilities are, worry about the reality of the situation of where you are now. If the memories of what used to be keep you tethered to what you have now, let me say that while things change and we grow over time, so does love. Sometimes I imagine love is rain . It’s why Spring is so pretty. I can’t imagine a Spring here in NW Oregon without it. I’m pretty sure you can figure out what would happen if there was no rain. Love is a lot like that. Without it, there is no growth. Trying to get something to grow by just demanding it, doesn’t work. Heck, if it did that money tree I keep trying to plant would have been old growth by now, but love doesn’t work that way. It can’t be forced, it can’t be demanded. But, I’ve learned that love can be given freely to myself, from myself. That means I need to be good to myself and walk away from those places where it has ceased to rain, and I am just stuck in a barren desert.

Last year I was in that desert, today I enjoy what the rain breathes.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Three Sons

In Bill Gaither, Blog, cancer, children, christian, Christmas 2011, Current events, dating, Divorce, equality, Facebook, gay, God, grief, healing, health, Ira Stanphill, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, military, Musician, parenting, portland oregon, relationships, TRAP Syndrome, wedding, women, Writing on December 27, 2011 at 12:56 am

Well, I made it through Christmas.

I just want to leave this blog post at that, but my heart’s a little heavy tonight. I need to write it out.

My eldest son and daughter weren’t here this year. I missed them both tremendously. It was the first Christmas since my divorce, and without the both of those children (well, legally adults). In all honesty, I didn’t think about the ex, save for one whole minute. And only when I was trying to remember if she was here or at work.

Last year though, I distinctly recall my son being here and showing me this “lump” on the back of his head. It wouldn’t be until he got back to his military base, that we’d find out it was cancer. I was sad when I thought about how he wouldn’t be home this year, and it marks a year that my son has had to face the diagnosis, numerous surgeries and changes .. all on his own. I’m tearing up now just thinking about it again.

11 1/2 years ago, I lost a child. I named him Isaac. He was conjoined to his identical twin “G”. Because of the complications due to T.R.A.P. Syndrome, Isaac never would have survived. I found out at 5 months along that I was having twins, and that one was not alive, all at the same moment. I was devastated and carried life and death every single day for the rest of my pregnancy, to term. It was …. a difficult, difficult time. I had no support through most of it. In part because I didn’t tell people for awhile, and in part because I was just so devastated. The few people I allowed to come close that I wanted support from, I still didn’t want support from. If you’ve ever grieved, you know exactly what I’m saying.

G didn’t come through the pregnancy unscathed. He was in NICU after birth, and had a host of complications. No two survivors of TRAP are the same, so knowing the long term complications had to just play out as he’s grown.

I recently was told he’s dealing with a condition called IGF 1 deficiency. It’s not a common condition, and most test studies are done on a group of people in another country that lack IGF 1 all together. G has a milder form, though still uncommon. The only way I can describe it, is how it was to me. Testosterone is produced normally and goes between the brain and liver, normally. From the liver to his body, there’s a receptor broken.

The options given, are to try a test study injection of IGF 1 twice a day (cancer is a risk) or just wait and see how he develops as he grows, not knowing the long term outcomes.

G is small for our family, with his younger brother already much taller than him. He’s started noticing he’s not growing as quickly, and it’s been on his mind a lot.

Recently one of his classmates passed. Wheelchair bound, and very small for her age, the teacher explained to the class she wasn’t growing and that was part of the reason she passed. I can’t imagine the things G had running through his mind at that moment, but a few days ago we were walking through the store and he blurted out “Mom, if she died because she couldn’t grow, am I going to die too?”

My. Heart. Sank.

I told him that her body was much different than his, and Drs are working to find out what to do, but we’re on it. He seemed relieved, I hope reassured.

These three boys of mine, all hold a place in my heart (as do all my children). My courageous son overseas who’s battling, my son who is not present (but very present) and my son who’s going to grow into his own, no matter if his body catches up with his big personality or not.

I wish I had all the answers as to why things turn as they do, but I know if I did I’ll miss out on the best parts of discovering joy along the way. It’s like discovering a patch of blue sky on a very rainy day.

Ira Stanphill is my favorite composer of hymns. I chose the following to be sung at my sons funeral, in part because Ira wrote it and because it fit so well. I couldn’t find a great video of the song on YouTube, so enjoy the comb overs and towers of hair reaching the heavens.

We’ll Talk It Over In The Bye And Bye – Ira Stanphill

Tho’ shadows deepen, and my heart bleeds,
I will not question the way He leads;
This side of Heaven we know in part,
I will not question a broken heart.

Chorus:
We’ll talk it over in the bye and bye
We’ll talk it over, my Lord and I.
I’ll ask the reasons – He’ll tell me why,
When we talk it over in the bye and bye.

I’ll trust His leading, He’ll never fail,
Thro’ darkest tunnels or misty vales.
Obey his bidding and faithful be,
Tho’ only one step ahead I see.

Chorus:
We’ll talk it over in the bye and bye
We’ll talk it over, my Lord and I.
I’ll ask the reasons – He’ll tell me why,
When we talk it over in the bye and bye.

I’ll hide my heartache behind a smile
And wait for reasons ’til after while.
And tho’ He try me, I know I’ll find
That all my burdens are silver lined.

Chorus:
We’ll talk it over in the bye and bye
We’ll talk it over, my Lord and I.
I’ll ask the reasons – He’ll tell me why,
When we talk it over in the bye and bye.

About the Gospel Song We Will Talk It Over

The lyrics and music to the Gospel song, “We’ll Talk It Over” is by Ira Stanphill.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Dear Diary

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Brother, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, finances, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Marriage, military, money, movies, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Regret, relationships, religion, single, stress, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on December 4, 2011 at 2:32 am

Dear Diary,

I’ve had a lot of things going on lately. It seems like life just keeps moving on, and I get so lost in living. It’s when I lay my head down at night, that I hear the sounds that my thoughts make. Sometimes it sounds like yelling, crying, grief, joy and at times it’s peace.

I had an amazing miracle recently, I want to talk about it so much. But I think I need to just write out the things that are on my mind in the very present.

It’s Christmas season. It’s been almost 8 months since I asked my ex to please leave the apt. There is a lot of healing, though my mind took me back to last year. I don’t miss her anymore, in the intimate way a partner misses their lover. In fact, I rarely miss her at all. If I am really quiet and still, I realize I actually never miss her anymore. But it’s Christmas, and I go back to last year when we were picking out our tree at the nursey up the road. Watching the boys carry it and load it into the back of her truck, so adorable.

I don’t remember if she was even home last year when we decorated the tree. I was so emotionally drained from the relationship, you know that diary. Every day was a moment to awaken, and stand against the wind. At least that is what it felt like. I was so conflicted. I wanted out of the situation, away from her.. but I grieved that I wanted it as much as I did. I wanted to want my wife.. my marriage, more.

But here it is December and we’ve put up our tree and decorated it. It was peaceful. We came across the stocking we made her. I just looked at it for a moment. It ended up in the trash. There was no grieving what I wanted my marraige to be, because now it is nothing more than a memory. It has nowhere to go. There is no reconcilliation, there is no healing the relationship.. there is no wanting to.

It’s been a year now, since my son was home on leave. A year since he showed me the growth on the back of his head. I made him promise to get it checked as soon as he got back to base. A year, so many surgeries and Doctors later……

My son is coming home for good in the early part of next year. After 6 pathologists and so many opinions, they can agree that he has had cancer. They are removing a part of growth in his thyroid in Feburary, as a precaution. He will be medically discharged. He’s been back on his base for a little bit now, as there is really nothing else to be done for him at the military medical hospy. He’s just waiting around now, for his surgery and discharge. Diary, you know how much I love my son. It’s so sad to think he has to deal with all of this.. shit. He’s such a beautiful soul. I want beautiful things to happen to him. Lots of amazing and beautiful things in the whole 130 years I want him to have.

I miss my friend Aaron. I saw him in a dream the other night. For some reason he walked out of the house with my brother, one I haven’t seen in quite some time. I have 2 biological brothers, and I haven’t seen either of them in years. I don’t know why, but my family is so separate. Aaron was a brother when I really had forgotten what it feels like to be a sister, or have someone make me feel like a sister. I wish that I had family around for the holidays, everyday. I have so much to be thankful for, my children and I make a family. Though I wish my siblings and I weren’t so disconnected.

Diary, my head is spinning with so many thoughts.

So many things.. my children, life, finances, the coming year… It’s hard to even know where to end this entry, because life keeps moving.

Perhaps I will just say Good Night.

http://youtu.be/mRnCC-wEYss

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Just A Question

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, wedding, women on December 2, 2011 at 12:02 pm

 

Yes, I realize I spelled a word incorrectly. Just pretend it is an alternate spelling used primarily in other parts of the country.

Please.

Though bonus if you catch the word spelled incorrectly.

 

 

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Van

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, children, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Husband, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, movies, Netflix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, stress, tracy chapman, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm

When is it a good thing to marry someone who is seemingly impulsive when it comes to reacting, without thinking the bigger picture out?

When you’re divorcing them.

My divorce was final in July, yet as you well know, she’s yet to really stop divorcing me at all. From the demands of white plastic coat hangers to a back pack, well after the divorce was over (I can’t believe her attorney wouldn’t advise her that she has no claim to the items, so to request them would result in nothing but legal fees to write the letter. Or maybe she did, but my ex just didn’t listen) I’ve been wondering what the next demand would be.

I didn’t have to wait long.

The divorce gave me possession of the van, even though it’s in her name. I’ve made the payments on the vehicle the last 2 years and the ex has no investment in the vehicle. The divorce states my payment can’t be late. It’s due on the 10th.

Because of Columbus Day, the payment arrived on the 11th. My ex freaked out. Her attorney wrote a letter stating that (she who will remain nameless – my ex’s coworker with the *in my opinion* 80s hair) was going to come by to retrieve the van last Friday. This is the same co/worker who wrote ugly comments to my blog, calling my children with disabilities ugly things, and all in poorly written English. I think it was English.

So I told them “no”. Why would I possibly allow a woman who has written verbally direct malicious comments towards my children with disabilities, on my front door step? No. I informed them if she made contact with me, I’d call the police and if they took the van, I’d report it stolen. Her attorney then stated she was moving ahead with court proceedings.

What it’s come down to, she wanted to challenge the language in the order because she’s unreasonable. She didn’t care that I needed medical transport for the children coupled with the appearance she has disposable financial resources to constantly pay her attorney. She could have easily let it go, but it feels like she’s just waiting to pounce on any avenue available to try and keep to her word to leave the children and I penniless and begging in the street. That what it feels like when she wants to drag me back to court over something as minute as this.

Now, I know I had a strong case. I had confidence should I have taken it court, that I would have been awarded the van…. again. It was technically one day late, but it was processed on the 11th. The bank informed me there’s a 10 day grace period without penalty, and the payment fell well within that.

But honestly, I didn’t want the vehicle that bad. It would have cost me an attorney to go back to court (though I would have asked for attorney fees). On top of those fees, I had the vehicle inspected a couple of weeks back which uncovered 2,000.00 of mechanical work needed. Not to mention there is still so much owed on the van, it can’t even be used for trade-in. I had planned on having the repairs done, because I need a vehicle. But there was no way I was going to invest money on a needless court hearing, waste my time or the courts time and money to entertain my ex and her attorney. The van isn’t worth that.

If she wanted the van with all the mechanical needs, debt owing and payments, then more power to her. In fact, I was more than happy to turn it over.

My ex supposedly was worried I’d “sugar the tank” so I said I’d leave the van at the mechanics, let them verify it’s in the same crappy condition it was a few weeks ago. She could go to the mechanics, hear their assessment, and look it over. If she drove it off the lot, it’s hers as is and she cannot try to sue me for repairs, damages or any other reason pertaining to the van. If she didn’t like the condition, she would leave it and I’d have to pick it up.

The mechanic didn’t even have a chance to look at the vehicle. She showed up, took the key and drove it off the lot.

I only have two words to describe how I feel right now…

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

*tosses confetti*

Her driving that debt off the lot today, was the second best thing she ever did for me. The first was her leaving the apartment when I called the police and had them ask her to leave. The only stress I had about losing the van, was not having a back-up plan in place.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for a vehicle yet. I’m concerned about it, because the boys need to get to medical appointments and things of that nature. Everyone tells me it will work out, so I’m hoping it rains money sometime soon. But I’m really happy it’s now her financial responsibly and no longer mine.

I have to say, there was only one time I teared up today. On the way to drop the van off, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman came on the radio. It reminded me of that brief moment I believed in my marriage and the hope, trust and love that I thought I had in her. That feeling of belonging is something I’ve longed to feel.

Too bad the song seems to last longer than that security did.