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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – This Is My Life

In AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, feelings, finances, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, movies, Myspace, Netflix, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, same sex, single, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, women, Writing on January 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

For some reason I thought it had already been 9 months that had passed, but in reality it’s just passed. That’s a good thing, because that tells me my life has continued in a more positive light. I’ve been writing more about the things the my life is about now, then it was when I was married. Another good indicator that I’ve moved on.. That I’m whole again.

Because of that, I’ve decided that I may continue writing up until the year mark, but I’d like to focus more on my life today and where I’m going now. This blog will no longer be about My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce, but instead my life.

I thought I might wait until that year mark, but honestly I’m ready now. Because I’m living.. now.

As of today, I’d like to introduce you to My Big Fat Lesbian Life.

Hi, I’m Lia.

I’m a woman,

A Mom,

This is my life.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Bruce Hornsby

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, cancer, christian, Christmas, civil unions, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, homosexuality, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Marriage, movies, Musician, Myspace, New York, news, Oregon, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, women, Writing on December 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm

** (added 12/25) Today I was asked where this song came from, what made me think of it. There have been three people who at one time or another who had an impact on my heart in a way that relates to this song. One being my ex wife of course, one was my first big crush in high school (that girl made me a mess every time she was near) and the other … well, they know who they are. All three have a thread that when woven together, have a place in this song. The song expresses perfectly how I see them through my eyes… through my heart… at one time or another. It’s been painful yet beautiful growth. I think this song expresses that part of my journey perfectly. **

Years ago I was in radio. I started out learning the business playing Madonna and Cyndi Lauper 45s. Among the piles, was Bruce Hornsby. I didn’t really listen to him much, mostly because I didn’t get his music. I was in my teens, and while I had experienced some harsh life lessons already, I hadn’t experienced what Bruce was singing about. The beauty of his music escaped me, because I hadn’t felt the pain of a lovers broken heart yet.

Lately I’ve been drawn to his music … and I realize that somewhere along the way between that teen spinning 45s and now, that I finally get it. It’s like discovering a part of my youth that could only be understood through the heart of the adult me (minus the big hair).
Thank You Bruce.

Mandolin Rain lyricsMandolin Rain
B. R. Hornsby/John Hornsby

The song came and went
Like the times that we spent
Hiding out from the rain under the carnival tent
I laughed and she’d smile
It would last for awhile
You don’t know what you got till you lose it all again

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

A cool evening dance
Listening to the bluegrass band takes the chill
From the air till they play the last song
I’ll do my time
Keeping you off my mind but there’s moments
That I find, I’m not feeling so strong

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

Running down by the lakeshore
She did love the sound of a summer storm
It played on the lake like a mandolin
Now it’s washing her away again

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

The boat’s steaming in
I watch the sidewheel spin and I
Think about her when I hear that whistle blow
I can’t change my mind
I knew all the time that she’d go
But that’s a choice I made long ago

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Just A Question

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, wedding, women on December 2, 2011 at 12:02 pm

 

Yes, I realize I spelled a word incorrectly. Just pretend it is an alternate spelling used primarily in other parts of the country.

Please.

Though bonus if you catch the word spelled incorrectly.

 

 

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Failure… The Other “F” Word

In Blog, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, love, Marriage, minivan, money, movies, New York, news, Oregon, Pain, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, same sex, sex, single, sleep, stress, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing, writing on November 21, 2011 at 6:00 am

I read the blog of another WordPress writer. She’s going through a divorce from her hubby, and I relate to some of the emotions she’s working through. She’s an absolutely amazing woman and I admire her courage as she shares her story.

She asked me a question that no ones asked before, but I’ve faced quietly many times with myself.

She asked me if I felt pressure not to have my marriage fail in light of the fact that marriage equality is becoming more and more of a reality. My response was….

“Excellent question.

Yes.

I felt like I was a horrible representation of everything couples have worked so hard to achieve for years. But, it was my own crummy choice in a partner that put me there, so I had to make good choices to get out. I hope that is something anyone in a bad relationship, no matter the orientation, can see that it’s possible to emotionally survive. If you’ve loved, you’ve experienced. Grief still processes without prejudice and healing comes like a long lost friend.”

I have to say that the more I’ve thought about it, that yes… I feel like I’ve done such an injustice to the work, sacrifices and tears put into the fight to openly love and be married. I know not every relationship is going to work out, straight or gay, but I know people are watching when you’re in a partnership that’s seen as a marriage.

Politically and religiously some people are ready to pounce and shout “A HA! See? There’s no integrity in gay marriage!” and so ready to use the failures as support to endorse their beliefs that gay marriage is wrong.

Love should be allowed to be equally recognized between two loving adults, regardless of gender. But please don’t use the failure of my marriage as an example of limited possibilities of a loving marriage.

I hope that my getting out of a bad situation can be seen as a representation of what it means to make a stand to do the right thing. That may not be a lot to advance the fight for marriage equality right now, but it contributes to the advancement of me evolving more into the woman God created me to be, and that’s empowering.

Just because my marriage failed doesn’t mean it was a complete failure, I grew a lot from the experience. I walked away stronger than ever. Not all failures fail to produce something wonderful.

I’d still love to meet someone to share life with, because I still believe in love and marriage. Importantly, because through the failure of my marriage I learned I still believe in myself.

That’s pretty successful.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Reckless People Dance

In Blog, Break-up, Come Here Go Away, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, domestic, Facebook, family, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gay, God, grief, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, netfix, news, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, Steve Perry, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on November 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm

In my effort to make better choices in my life regarding people, I decided sometime ago not to continue seeing the woman I had been seeing since my divorce. While I experienced great sex (something I didn’t really have with the ex because she was a selfish lover), I had started seeing some of the warning signs that she wasn’t a good match for me.  So a few months in I broke it off with her. It wasn’t easy, because while I wasn’t really enjoying her company at all, I had also cared for her.

I had continued to see her in a more casual way for a little longer, simply because I thought that with breaking off the titles and and expectations that things might settle down and perhaps I could get to know her better in a more organic way (minus all the BS). However, I had increasingly become more and more aware of not only the red flags, but my own cycles that I seem to make in any type of relationship with people.

I think my own fears of abandonment (enter my alcoholic mother who was completely absent while I was growing up) leave me validated that if I stand and show I am present emotionally and physically, that I prove that I am ….

1.) Not my Mom

Now I already know I am not my Mom. I’m not even close to being anything like my Mom. Yet, I do find from time to time I have to prove that just to reassure myself that I am nothing like her. By not abandoning, I prove that. By engaging, I just keep doing the same stupid dance with the same destructive people.

Whatever the reasons I may be doing it, it has come to a stop.. or at least I am going to try to figure out how to see the red flags when they are first raised, stop and then run/walk/hop. Whatever it takes.

There were moments real early on, where I just wanted to walk away. So I know that I am gaining some ability to recognize the red flags. Now only to make my feet comply with my instincts.

I saw the classic “Come Here, Go Away” signs, but for those reasons above, I stood still. She talked about her past relationships in ways I could hear she was clinging to those who treated her poorly or rejected her, yet pushed off those who tried to make it work. That was pretty scary once I could hear what she saying.

Someday, I would like to be in a relationship where I do stand with my partner through the good times and the bad. But for all the right reasons. Not because I am trying to prove something to myself, but because we are standing together.

I asked someone I thought might have some connections to a life coach, about a love coach, and was recently given the name and number to Dr. Frankie. She writes the love advice column for Curve Magazine, and she also has a love coaching and matchmaking service.

Here is her website link –

http://littlegaybook.com

I highly suggest checking out the site. It’s wonderful.

I chatted with Dr. Frankie a bit, and found her super easy to talk to. I’m not sure how much dating I want to do right at this moment, but if I am going to, I do need to work on this pattern I seem to have established and start 1.) Recognizing the signs early on and 2.) Walking the heck away when I see them.

I have to give myself some credit, this time I only let it go for a few months before I said enough was enough. That is really a lot of growth compared to sticking it out like I did with my ex wife.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Van

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Break-up, children, Choose Joy, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, fast car, feelings, finances, Friend, friendship, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, Husband, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, minivan, money, Monopoly, movies, Netflix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, stress, tracy chapman, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on October 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm

When is it a good thing to marry someone who is seemingly impulsive when it comes to reacting, without thinking the bigger picture out?

When you’re divorcing them.

My divorce was final in July, yet as you well know, she’s yet to really stop divorcing me at all. From the demands of white plastic coat hangers to a back pack, well after the divorce was over (I can’t believe her attorney wouldn’t advise her that she has no claim to the items, so to request them would result in nothing but legal fees to write the letter. Or maybe she did, but my ex just didn’t listen) I’ve been wondering what the next demand would be.

I didn’t have to wait long.

The divorce gave me possession of the van, even though it’s in her name. I’ve made the payments on the vehicle the last 2 years and the ex has no investment in the vehicle. The divorce states my payment can’t be late. It’s due on the 10th.

Because of Columbus Day, the payment arrived on the 11th. My ex freaked out. Her attorney wrote a letter stating that (she who will remain nameless – my ex’s coworker with the *in my opinion* 80s hair) was going to come by to retrieve the van last Friday. This is the same co/worker who wrote ugly comments to my blog, calling my children with disabilities ugly things, and all in poorly written English. I think it was English.

So I told them “no”. Why would I possibly allow a woman who has written verbally direct malicious comments towards my children with disabilities, on my front door step? No. I informed them if she made contact with me, I’d call the police and if they took the van, I’d report it stolen. Her attorney then stated she was moving ahead with court proceedings.

What it’s come down to, she wanted to challenge the language in the order because she’s unreasonable. She didn’t care that I needed medical transport for the children coupled with the appearance she has disposable financial resources to constantly pay her attorney. She could have easily let it go, but it feels like she’s just waiting to pounce on any avenue available to try and keep to her word to leave the children and I penniless and begging in the street. That what it feels like when she wants to drag me back to court over something as minute as this.

Now, I know I had a strong case. I had confidence should I have taken it court, that I would have been awarded the van…. again. It was technically one day late, but it was processed on the 11th. The bank informed me there’s a 10 day grace period without penalty, and the payment fell well within that.

But honestly, I didn’t want the vehicle that bad. It would have cost me an attorney to go back to court (though I would have asked for attorney fees). On top of those fees, I had the vehicle inspected a couple of weeks back which uncovered 2,000.00 of mechanical work needed. Not to mention there is still so much owed on the van, it can’t even be used for trade-in. I had planned on having the repairs done, because I need a vehicle. But there was no way I was going to invest money on a needless court hearing, waste my time or the courts time and money to entertain my ex and her attorney. The van isn’t worth that.

If she wanted the van with all the mechanical needs, debt owing and payments, then more power to her. In fact, I was more than happy to turn it over.

My ex supposedly was worried I’d “sugar the tank” so I said I’d leave the van at the mechanics, let them verify it’s in the same crappy condition it was a few weeks ago. She could go to the mechanics, hear their assessment, and look it over. If she drove it off the lot, it’s hers as is and she cannot try to sue me for repairs, damages or any other reason pertaining to the van. If she didn’t like the condition, she would leave it and I’d have to pick it up.

The mechanic didn’t even have a chance to look at the vehicle. She showed up, took the key and drove it off the lot.

I only have two words to describe how I feel right now…

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

*tosses confetti*

Her driving that debt off the lot today, was the second best thing she ever did for me. The first was her leaving the apartment when I called the police and had them ask her to leave. The only stress I had about losing the van, was not having a back-up plan in place.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for a vehicle yet. I’m concerned about it, because the boys need to get to medical appointments and things of that nature. Everyone tells me it will work out, so I’m hoping it rains money sometime soon. But I’m really happy it’s now her financial responsibly and no longer mine.

I have to say, there was only one time I teared up today. On the way to drop the van off, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman came on the radio. It reminded me of that brief moment I believed in my marriage and the hope, trust and love that I thought I had in her. That feeling of belonging is something I’ve longed to feel.

Too bad the song seems to last longer than that security did.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – My Son, Cancer and The Sidewalk Prophets

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Military, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, promises, relationships, religion, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on September 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm

My son had his surgery on Friday. The surgeon said the pathology reports will come back in a week or two.

I have to admit, when he posted a pic last night, I hurt for him. I want to fix this for him. I feel so damn helpless. No matter his age, he’s my child and my instincts of wanting to make his world a good place are still a part of me…. always.

I wish I had a magic wand, pixie dust or the most healing Snoopy Bandaid ever. I wish my children never knew anything but joy and peace. I wish …

I wish…

I wish…

..

So this the start of it all

20110918-083657.jpg

This is after the first biopsy

20110918-083759.jpg

This is after the second

20110918-083835.jpg

This is from the last (this past Friday). They believe they’ve removed the whole tumor now.

20110918-083926.jpg

I’ve already talked about just how angry I am with the military taking so DAMN long to address this, and how crappy I think they’ve handled everything (it’s been almost a year … a whole damn year) that this has been going on (the first few months after the first biopsy, they “forgot” to even tell him the results …. assholes) … so I won’t go off about it again.

At this moment, all that truly matters is my child. I feel good about the care (the military) is finally giving him. The hospital they’ve transferred him to, seems to actually know what they’re doing, opposed to the previous places. That gives me some comfort.

I’ve Posted this song to my sons wall, what seems like a thousand times, because it fits so well to express just how I feel. He is destined for amazing things, I belIeve it.

Just the fact he is the young man he is now, makes him amazing already.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Awkward E/mail Exchange

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on September 16, 2011 at 6:48 am

Awkward e/mail exchange between myself and the attorney of the ex today.. I replaced names with 3 *** … I know it’s within my rights to copy what I was sent, but I feel strongly in not naming names, no matter.

I write.. (copied to ex as well)

“***,

Please inform your client that I need the new auto insurance card once she receives it. It should be arriving before Oct 1 2011.”

Attorney responds…

“It appears you have already accomplished that by copying her.

As regards your blog: Many comments concerning *** have been defamatory. If you don’t stop posting defamatory comments, you put yourself at risk of a lawsuit. I understand you are hoping to become a lawyer someday, so you may look up the elements of defamation. You may conclude that in your view everything you say is true and is, therefore, not defamatory. You would not be the first to wrongly reach that conclusion. A jury, not you, would decide. Litigation would not be an enjoyable or inexpensive experience for anyone. Also, you may also want to consider whether your posts will become fodder when you are seeking admission to the Bar. Professionalism and ethics (or lack thereof) are important criteria for admission, and constant caustic posting about an ex exhibits, at a minimum, questionable professionalism and poor ethics. I enjoy your sense of humor, and do not wish to quash your right to speak freely. But, defamatory discourse is not protected speech. Please stop. Thank you. ***”

I respond…

“***,

What sentences in my blog do you believe to be false? Please be reminded of the Oregon anti-slapp law.”

Attorney responds..

“I am not interested in spending more time discussing this with you. You have my message. What you do with it is your concern. SLAPP is inapplicable. ***”

*back to blog*

Uhm, I don’t want to be an attorney.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Saw Your Picture Today..

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, marriage, Pain, parenting, pictures, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, September, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing, writing on September 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Sometime during our marriage, I had put together a bulletin board that was on the wall, at the foot of the bed. On the board I had posted some of my favorite photos of us, along with some sentimental keepsakes (like that parking ticket and cards). It was my hope that in the midst of the difficult period of our marriage, having the visual of us as a couple.. smiling.. would somehow be as an encouragement. It was to be the first thing to see in the morning, and the last visual at night.

Ha.

I look at her in the photos now, and what used to look like a couple that was happy, merely has become a visual reminder of what an epic mistake I made. I look at this woman in the photos that I am standing next to, and I try to connect with the emotions I had for her at the time the picture was taken. Why was I looking at her like that? I look like I might be looking at with her with love, but I don’t feel it.

I have one photo of us that was my favorite. We were sitting beside our first Christmas Tree, while my daughter took photos of us. My daughter, who is hysterically hysterical, made my ex and I laugh. My daughter caught that image of us laughing. I loved that picture because it’s not posed and seemed to catch a glimpse of joy that we shared between us. But when I look at the picture, I just keep asking myself if that was a fluke moment, because I don’t remember many more times of joy after that picture. The images I have burned into my mind, the memories, don’t even look close to the feelings of happiness I had in that moment captured in that picture.

The woman I see when I look at those pics now, is a stranger. She is an emotional and intellectual stranger to me. If I had never met her, I would have passed her on the street and never even given her a second look. There is nothing real special about her that stands out. She isn’t really attractive (I don’t say that to be mean, she just isn’t).. But it wasn’t her outer appearance that I was looking for when I met her. For me, attraction starts in the mind, moves to the heart, then moves to the eyes. Now seeing her for the woman she has revealed herself to be, there is nothing about her that I would even want to know on the level of a friendship.

Maybe all of that seems harsh to say, or maybe it sounds like the typical break-up lingo that the ex spews out because they’re hurt and angry. But, when I am really listening to my heart, I feel none of those things. In fact, when I look at the photos now, I feel nothing other than curiosity as to how I managed to let this woman, this stranger, completely draw me in. If I am honest with myself, that really makes me angry at no one, other than myself.

The images burned into the paper, just don’t match the images burned into my mind and my heart of what I was left with. So, I burned them. The cards, the envelopes, the memories, the fluke moments of joy…

and this is what the whole pile of memories was reduced to. ..

http://youtu.be/gWCeVAuCCfA