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Archive for the ‘kisses’ Category

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Fill A Heart

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, christian, Current events, Edgefield McMenamins, emotions, encouragement, equality, Facebook, kindness, Kiss, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Oregon, people, portland oregon, Rain, relationships, The Little Prince, women, Writing on February 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Somedays, I just feel like I can’t do anything right.

It could be the way I keep managing to slam my seat belt in the car door, lose my keys, the days I forget to start the dishwasher, misplacing my favorite earrings, or over tweeze one brow giving me a permanent look of raising a brow. I don’t even know how to raise only one brow.

It’s days like that, that I need my heart filled. I need to hear what it is I’m doing right, versus where it is I’m falling short.

I’m sure we all feel like this from time to time, but I think we forget outside of ourselves and that hearts need to be filled.

So go… say something nice to someone today. Let them know what they’re doing right. It doesn’t have to be some big display of praise, though don’t stop yourself if that’s what’s on your heart. But fill someone’s heart today with letting them know what they mean to you, or what it is they do that makes you smile.

With today’s gas prices one thing we can be sure of, we can all afford to fill a heart.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Month 7

In Blog, Break-up, christian, civil unions, Come Here Go Away, communication, court, dating, Divorce, Facebook, family, feelings, Fleetwood Mac, Foolish Hearts, Friend, get a life, God, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, Military, netfix, New York, news, Pain, portland oregon, relationships, sex, single, sleep, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on November 9, 2011 at 6:15 am

Month 6 slipped by me without thought.

I guess I figured month 6 being the half way mark into my newly single life (since I had her asked to leave the apt), that some amazing moment would transpire within me, but instead it went by without thought.

I was dealing with the van thing (I’m still super thankful it’s gone), the now defunct attempt at spending time with someone (I’m really glad that’s over) and just… living.

Here it is and month 7 has passed. I admit it feels longer primarily in part I never have to see her (I’m reallythankful for that).

A few days ago the biggest stress in our home was the 7 year old stormed into my room, angry the his 11 year old brother was bossing his imaginary kangaroo around. While I know life has it’s ups and downs and invisible kangaroo interventions are only a part, I felt that peace that comes in knowing that life continues to move on.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Reckless People Dance

In Blog, Break-up, Come Here Go Away, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, domestic, Facebook, family, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gay, God, grief, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Life, Love, Marriage, netfix, news, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, sex, single, sleep, Steve Perry, stress, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on November 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm

In my effort to make better choices in my life regarding people, I decided sometime ago not to continue seeing the woman I had been seeing since my divorce. While I experienced great sex (something I didn’t really have with the ex because she was a selfish lover), I had started seeing some of the warning signs that she wasn’t a good match for me.  So a few months in I broke it off with her. It wasn’t easy, because while I wasn’t really enjoying her company at all, I had also cared for her.

I had continued to see her in a more casual way for a little longer, simply because I thought that with breaking off the titles and and expectations that things might settle down and perhaps I could get to know her better in a more organic way (minus all the BS). However, I had increasingly become more and more aware of not only the red flags, but my own cycles that I seem to make in any type of relationship with people.

I think my own fears of abandonment (enter my alcoholic mother who was completely absent while I was growing up) leave me validated that if I stand and show I am present emotionally and physically, that I prove that I am ….

1.) Not my Mom

Now I already know I am not my Mom. I’m not even close to being anything like my Mom. Yet, I do find from time to time I have to prove that just to reassure myself that I am nothing like her. By not abandoning, I prove that. By engaging, I just keep doing the same stupid dance with the same destructive people.

Whatever the reasons I may be doing it, it has come to a stop.. or at least I am going to try to figure out how to see the red flags when they are first raised, stop and then run/walk/hop. Whatever it takes.

There were moments real early on, where I just wanted to walk away. So I know that I am gaining some ability to recognize the red flags. Now only to make my feet comply with my instincts.

I saw the classic “Come Here, Go Away” signs, but for those reasons above, I stood still. She talked about her past relationships in ways I could hear she was clinging to those who treated her poorly or rejected her, yet pushed off those who tried to make it work. That was pretty scary once I could hear what she saying.

Someday, I would like to be in a relationship where I do stand with my partner through the good times and the bad. But for all the right reasons. Not because I am trying to prove something to myself, but because we are standing together.

I asked someone I thought might have some connections to a life coach, about a love coach, and was recently given the name and number to Dr. Frankie. She writes the love advice column for Curve Magazine, and she also has a love coaching and matchmaking service.

Here is her website link –

http://littlegaybook.com

I highly suggest checking out the site. It’s wonderful.

I chatted with Dr. Frankie a bit, and found her super easy to talk to. I’m not sure how much dating I want to do right at this moment, but if I am going to, I do need to work on this pattern I seem to have established and start 1.) Recognizing the signs early on and 2.) Walking the heck away when I see them.

I have to give myself some credit, this time I only let it go for a few months before I said enough was enough. That is really a lot of growth compared to sticking it out like I did with my ex wife.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Ugly Brown Jacket Has Left The Building

In attorneys, Break-up, christian, civil unions, clothing, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, fashion, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, sex, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

It’s been delivered and donated.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – It’s Final, I’m Divorced.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, netfix, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

A of 3:10pm July 11, 2011 — I am officially divorced.

Free. Liberated. Restored. Single. Happy. Joyous.

I feel victorious.

She didn’t show up to court, something I was very happy about. The last thing I wanted to have to deal with, was being in the same room as her. We had come to an agreement before court, so her attorney showed up with a signed agreement. There were a few details to work out, but we figured them out and the judge was gracious enough to sign off the divorce right then and there.

I didn’t walk away with nearly the things she stripped from us restored, but I did walk away having won monthly payments for the next 12 months. She will be paying me out of the federal tax return money we received. It isn’t much, and it isn’t spousal support. But it is a payment she has to fill out once a month, and mail to me. Besides needing the help, I was hoping it would make her think before she attempts to mess up the life of another woman. Of course, I am not so ignorant to believe she will actually think before she tries to get another woman to revolve her world around her madness, but one can hope. If nothing else, that was the only thing I wanted her to take from all of this. I actually grieve for the woman that actually falls next victim to her manipulations and fabrications.

She has to pay my attorneys fees, plus her own, from the day she fired her previous attorney and chose to drag this mess out further.

I get to keep the vehicle.

I also agreed to drop the restraining order, but only if it was written in the agreement that she has to live as though there is still one in place. Meaning, stay away from me. Stay away from where I live, and not get within 150 feet of me, ever. Not to write or have others write or harass me. If she ever violates this, I will be able to file a new restraining order in court and she has agreed not to contest it. If she does, she has to pay my attorneys fees. I walked out of the courthouse with a new application for a restraining order, and you can bet if she so much as even tries to push her limits with the agreement, I will have it filled out and filed. The only reason why I agreed to drop it, was because this agreement actually gives me more protection, and more rights.

I didn’t drop it because of her job, because the responsibility isn’t mine. The moment she laid a hand on me, she put her own job in jeopardy. It isn’t my job to protect her, it is my job to protect myself and my children, and that is exactly what I did when I filed the original order.

I’d also like to say to her “friend” who feels a need to send me nasty messages. Two words; Spell Check. I sounded out a good portion of the words in your letters, and honestly I have never seen the word “entitlement” begin with the letter “o” before. It was an interesting spelling, coupled with atrocious grammar and punctuation. I am pretty sure a blind chimpanzee fluent only in an ancient language spoken in a far remote country somewhere, can compose a more well written email…. In English. That aside, I’d like to inform you that all of your emails have been forwarded to the appropriate authorities to keep a record of your harassment. It may be a little difficult for you to control your impulses to not write me, but I strongly suggest you stop. Unless you just want me to keep forwarding everything on and adding to the record.

As for me, I am sure over time I will be working through some of the residual things I am still working through. Like, being bothered she emotionally manipulated my children along with the fact she never returned the items she claimed (in writing) that she had (like, a handicapped parking placard for my children). In fact, when I think about it, she has only returned one item I asked for and yet after all the countless items I have returned, she still can’t find it within herself to return something as vital as a handicapped placard for the children. That is just what I am working with here, and a clear example of the self serving behavior I lived with for the duration of our marriage.

I am a far cry from where I was 3 months ago, and just so happy that once the smoke cleared, I could see things for what they really were.. who she is.

I am leaving this post with a photo of my divorce cake. It was a last minute purchase on the way home from court. The poor woman ran out of room for the word “divorce” but I told her it was OK. The marriage went over the edge, so it wasn’t a big deal the word divorce did. I had it written in purple, because the now official “ex-spouse” hates purple. It was a white chocolate/dark chocolate marble cake with raspberry filling.

Messy, but delicious..

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Court

In attorneys, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, Netflix, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

We have a hearing tomorrow, to see if a judge can resolve this.

I guess for now that’s all I really have to say.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Pride & Confidence

In attorneys, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, Netflix, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, wedding, women on July 7, 2011 at 1:02 am

Haman …. Or Mordecai?

6:5 And the king’s servants said unto
him, Behold, Haman standeth in the court. And the king said, Let him come in.

6:6 So Haman came in. And the king said unto him, What shall be done unto the man whom the king delighteth to honour? Now Haman thought in his heart, To whom would the king delight to do honour more than to myself? 6:7 And Haman answered the king, For the man whom the king delighteth to honour, 6:8 Let the royal apparel be brought which the king useth to wear, and the horse that the king rideth upon, and the crown royal which is set upon his head: 6:9 And let this apparel and horse be delivered to the hand of one of the king’s most noble princes, that they may array the man withal whom the king delighteth to honour, and bring him on horseback through the street of the city, and proclaim before him, Thus shall it be done to the man whom the king delighteth to honour.

6:10 Then the king said to Haman, Make haste, and take the apparel and the horse, as thou hast said, and do even so to Mordecai the Jew, that sitteth at the king’s gate: let nothing fail of all that thou hast spoken.

6:11 Then took Haman the apparel and the horse, and arrayed Mordecai, and brought him on horseback through the street of the city, and proclaimed before him, Thus shall it be done unto the man whom the king delighteth to honour.

6:12 And Mordecai came again to the king’s gate. But Haman hasted to his house mourning, and having his head covered.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Had Sex

In attorneys, Break-up, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, family, gay, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, single, vows, wedding, women on June 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Not just “sex”, but amazing and passionate sex.

Like, the kind of sex that makes you realize you’ve been missing out on something you didn’t realize you should have been feeling before.

The kind of sex that makes you realize you are.

The kind of sex that makes you feel safe.

The kind of sex that makes you want to hold her all night, while praying you don’t drool on her pillow.

She’s amazing, she’s present and
whatever apprehensions I had about being physical, are gone.

It’s not like me to engage this quickly on a physical level, but I’m just going with the flow, and enjoying it. 

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Kissed A Girl, And I Liked It.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, Uncategorized, wedding, women on June 15, 2011 at 3:56 pm

I was asked out on two dates for this past weekend, by different women.

I was really flattered, and I did meet with one for coffee.

I managed to survive that awkward moment where you realize you are trying to get back into the swing of life, and embrace what it means to be single again. I even threw the thought around, that maybe I shouldn’t go out at all. I wondered if maybe it was too soon to enjoy the company of another. But then again, when is it really a bad thing to enjoy spending time with someone because you like them?

But that realization wasn’t the was the deciding factor in leading me to meet with her. One of my friends said to me that I deserved to spend time with someone other than my ex. I have no idea why that statement hit me as deeply as it did, but she was right… I do.

After internalizing her words, I decided to meet with this woman for coffee. I have to say it was one of the best first dates I have ever had. No.. it was the best first date I have ever had in all the history of my first dates.

When we had that awkward moment of saying Good Night, she was sweet to kiss me on the cheek. I knew she was being respectful of my space, but at that moment I wanted to kiss her. Really kiss her.  So, I kissed her.

And it was really nice.

And she was the only woman present in my mind when I did.

And I liked that.