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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – 4 Months

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, blogging, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, fashion, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, military, movies, news, Pain, parenting, people, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, Relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on August 20, 2011 at 1:51 am

August 4th came and went. It marked a couple of dates that are significant, but I’ve been so busy living, that I totally let it slip by.

While I understand this is a good thing, proof that my life has continued just fine, I am wishing I had taken total advantage and used it to mark a celebration of sorts. However, it’s never really too late to celebrate getting rid of crap, so I have planned a purging celebration to take place. Getting rid of anything to do with her, or anything she has given me.

August 4th marked the 4th month since I had her asked to leave, but it also marked the anniversary of our first date. The date lasted 10 hours, and took place mostly walking around downtown and talking. We had spent so much time chatting, that both of us had extended past the meters and both of us received a parking ticket that afternoon, on our vehicles. I came across the ticket that I had received, I saved it just for the sentiment of it all. But that has become a part of the purge and I no longer want anything. I want no remnants of that day, anything to remind me that it even happened.

I suppose that might sound like I am trying to erase the past, and dealing with the past is far more healthier than just pretending it didn’t happen. But I am in no shortage of constant reminders that I was married to her. I guess it is like packing a bag. When you have too much to close it, you either find a way to shove it all in and zip up the bag, or you dump the excess.

I am dumping the excess.

I’ve also had her creditors calling and asking for her. She is apparently not answering their calls, so they are instead, calling me. I’ve asked them to please remove my number from their databases, so here is hoping they will.

When I met her, her credit was a mess. I worked my bum off to help get her credit cleaned up so she could buy a house. But the first time she actually decided to try and handle her bank account on her own, she managed to put it in the red. I can actually pin that to the date, because I was shocked when I saw she made a purchase that she couldn’t afford. I completely stopped helping her that day, and ever since then she has tried to pin the blame on me for the mess her life was becoming. Denial of personal used to cause so many of our problems.

It’s weird, I’ve been thinking about that… the denial thing. She could literally stand in front of me, say something or do something, then completely deny it within seconds. It was soooooo weird…. Like, the jewelry.

Since she has been gone, I have found that there was more that I wasn’t told all the details of. I would like to say I was surprised, or even completely shocked, when I found out. But I wasn’t.

I am becoming more and more thankful that I am no longer with that woman. I have seen things for what they really were (and were not) the void has been replaced with a feeling of liberation and salvation.

Which makes this song so perfect for my thoughts today.. Milli Vanilli.. A group as fake as her love was, lypsynching lyrics about putting the blame on anything other than where it should truly fall. Perfect.

http://youtu.be/rB0Le3oM1b8

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Coat Hangers. What More Can I Say?

In attorneys, Break-up, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, fashion, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on August 6, 2011 at 12:12 am

I’ve been given some hysterical suggestions regarding the 40 white (plastic) coat hangers that my ex paid her attorney to request possession of (I’m still amused by that fact) along with a few other trivial items (a blender blade, and some silverware amongst the request)

Think about it… Attorney writing request for plastic white coat hangers and a few items vs. The Dollar Store to purchase new ones….

Hys-ter-ic-al

The following suggestions were made to me, purely for comic relief:

Return all black ones with a note that they better match her soul.

Give her all wire hangers.

Agree to return only 15 hangers, but none of the white ones. Then see how long I can drag out negotiations.

Send her 4.00.

Send 5 plastic, along with 35 wire with no hooks.

Along with these suggestions, I was sent the following photo via text from a friend. I think it would make a lovely default pic.

20110807-043708.jpg

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Ugly Brown Jacket Has Left The Building

In attorneys, Break-up, christian, civil unions, clothing, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, fashion, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, sex, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

It’s been delivered and donated.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Let’s Not Do The Time Warp Again

In Break-up, christian, civil unions, clothing, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, fashion, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, Netflix, news, Pain, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, sex, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I was cleaning out the closet, and came across a few things I had bought because she wanted me to. They’re ugly.

I got to thinking about all the real annoying habits she had, and trying to dress me was one of them. Which, I found odd because she had really bad taste when it came to clothing herself. I rarely liked what she wore, but never pointed it out, and never would have to the degree she did with me.

I bought stupid crap that wasn’t me, at all, in effort to try and look pleasing for her. But I don’t really recall her ever putting forth the same effort. I used to ask if she would wear her hair down, but she often refused. Choosing instead to keep it pulled back in that awful ponytail, that usually looked like the alternative to having to take the effort to comb and style her hair.

I also thought about all the times she would pick at me on the way out the door. “Fix your hair”, “What’s that, a zit?”, “Don’t wear the red coat, I don’t like it”, “Wear the gold hoops I gave you, they look better” and so on….. and on, and on.

I’m past being angry with her for all of the things she did, but I still feel a need to finally voice how I often felt about things. Call it a verbal cleansing of the mind if you will.

I also used to detest the fact she is a slob. I can’t recall how many times I would beg her to lift a finger and clean the one room I’d asked her to help upkeep, the master bedroom bathroom. In the span of 6 months, she had cleaned the shower once. It was gross. Her constant debate was since I was home full time, I should have done it for her. What she truly wanted was a June Cleaver apron wearing 50s Stiletto wearing cake baking wife. While she wanted to take a more traditional 50s male identified role with the family.

I started to feel like I had time warped into 1954.

The ugly brown jacket faces a fate of being donated, as it serves a reminder of all the things she wanted me to be and the part of myself I had lost.

I hope wherever it ends up, it ends up in the hands of someone who actually wants it.

Good bye brown jacket.

Good bye 1954 time warp.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – It’s Final, I’m Divorced.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, netfix, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women on July 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

A of 3:10pm July 11, 2011 — I am officially divorced.

Free. Liberated. Restored. Single. Happy. Joyous.

I feel victorious.

She didn’t show up to court, something I was very happy about. The last thing I wanted to have to deal with, was being in the same room as her. We had come to an agreement before court, so her attorney showed up with a signed agreement. There were a few details to work out, but we figured them out and the judge was gracious enough to sign off the divorce right then and there.

I didn’t walk away with nearly the things she stripped from us restored, but I did walk away having won monthly payments for the next 12 months. She will be paying me out of the federal tax return money we received. It isn’t much, and it isn’t spousal support. But it is a payment she has to fill out once a month, and mail to me. Besides needing the help, I was hoping it would make her think before she attempts to mess up the life of another woman. Of course, I am not so ignorant to believe she will actually think before she tries to get another woman to revolve her world around her madness, but one can hope. If nothing else, that was the only thing I wanted her to take from all of this. I actually grieve for the woman that actually falls next victim to her manipulations and fabrications.

She has to pay my attorneys fees, plus her own, from the day she fired her previous attorney and chose to drag this mess out further.

I get to keep the vehicle.

I also agreed to drop the restraining order, but only if it was written in the agreement that she has to live as though there is still one in place. Meaning, stay away from me. Stay away from where I live, and not get within 150 feet of me, ever. Not to write or have others write or harass me. If she ever violates this, I will be able to file a new restraining order in court and she has agreed not to contest it. If she does, she has to pay my attorneys fees. I walked out of the courthouse with a new application for a restraining order, and you can bet if she so much as even tries to push her limits with the agreement, I will have it filled out and filed. The only reason why I agreed to drop it, was because this agreement actually gives me more protection, and more rights.

I didn’t drop it because of her job, because the responsibility isn’t mine. The moment she laid a hand on me, she put her own job in jeopardy. It isn’t my job to protect her, it is my job to protect myself and my children, and that is exactly what I did when I filed the original order.

I’d also like to say to her “friend” who feels a need to send me nasty messages. Two words; Spell Check. I sounded out a good portion of the words in your letters, and honestly I have never seen the word “entitlement” begin with the letter “o” before. It was an interesting spelling, coupled with atrocious grammar and punctuation. I am pretty sure a blind chimpanzee fluent only in an ancient language spoken in a far remote country somewhere, can compose a more well written email…. In English. That aside, I’d like to inform you that all of your emails have been forwarded to the appropriate authorities to keep a record of your harassment. It may be a little difficult for you to control your impulses to not write me, but I strongly suggest you stop. Unless you just want me to keep forwarding everything on and adding to the record.

As for me, I am sure over time I will be working through some of the residual things I am still working through. Like, being bothered she emotionally manipulated my children along with the fact she never returned the items she claimed (in writing) that she had (like, a handicapped parking placard for my children). In fact, when I think about it, she has only returned one item I asked for and yet after all the countless items I have returned, she still can’t find it within herself to return something as vital as a handicapped placard for the children. That is just what I am working with here, and a clear example of the self serving behavior I lived with for the duration of our marriage.

I am a far cry from where I was 3 months ago, and just so happy that once the smoke cleared, I could see things for what they really were.. who she is.

I am leaving this post with a photo of my divorce cake. It was a last minute purchase on the way home from court. The poor woman ran out of room for the word “divorce” but I told her it was OK. The marriage went over the edge, so it wasn’t a big deal the word divorce did. I had it written in purple, because the now official “ex-spouse” hates purple. It was a white chocolate/dark chocolate marble cake with raspberry filling.

Messy, but delicious..

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Updates

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, school, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I’ve had a very long week. Not to mention the rapture was/is supposed to happen today. It seems like a fitting way to end this week. I just read the church predicting the day received millions in donations. What a marketing/fundraising strategy. I don’t remember learning that in business class.

I’m so suing the college for an inferior education.

Let me start venting about my son. He is scheduled to have surgery the 16th of next month, to remove the growth which is also causing incredible headaches. Literally. I don’t agree with the date, but I promised my son I’d respect his reasons and privacy so I can’t really talk about why it has to wait until the 16th. But I have to say I’m really unhappy with the people behind the reasons why it has to wait.

My wife and I are scheduled to go to court this coming week. Our first court hearing. I pretty much relented on everything, save asking for a small amount of support a month (the exact amount she promised and agreed to provide) for a year, and my half of the amended taxes. She’s now claiming she doesn’t have the resources to provide support. So I’m left wondering two things. First, if she doesn’t have the resources, how was she planning to provide this when she made an agreement with me, to provide it before? And secondly, if she lacks the resources to provide it, how does she seemingly have the resources to pay more in legal fees, than I’ve asked for in support?

If she really loves the children, as she’s stated before several people, and considered them her own, then how can she use the money for legal fees instead of following through on her word to “not abandon or screw you (us) over” ?

It just doesn’t add up.

So this week a judge will decide.

Also, this is the second month she’s claimed that the bank states it hasn’t received my van payment. It’s in her name, but I’ve made every single payment, per our verbal agreement, when the van was purchased. Yet, no actual dates the bank states this are ever provided, and honestly the allegations have all been to my advantage. So, we’ll see how June plays out.

She’s also demanding to drop the boys from health insurance, despite when I agreed to move up here it was understood in conversation I’d have to find the boys new health care providers. She knew at the time we entered the children into the care of vital providers (vital to their care) that they only accepted her health care, and without it the boys wouldn’t be able to continue treatments. She made those agreements with me, those providers and essentially the children’s well being. What.A.Mess.

The only promise she seems to be working at trying to keep, is the last one she made when she yelled she would leave me and my 4 (illegitimate) children on a corner, penniless and begging.

Classy.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Dunno

In Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, wedding, women on May 16, 2011 at 5:20 am

I have no clue what’s going on with me today. I feel like I’m on the verge of freaking tears.

I miss her and then I try to remind myself how she made me feel. It’s the only thing keeping me in check.

I was thinking about the last good day we hung out together. Even then she was acting all weird, I guess I saw it then. I just tried to pretend it was me. But I still tear up remembering the day. I wish I wasn’t seeing the things I am about it. I wanted that to be a good memory, I wanted to keep it.

It’s really amazing the amount of stuff I allowed myself to overlook, because I hoped.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Barely Breathing

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, health, homosexuality, kisses, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, women on May 11, 2011 at 6:13 am

I’m lying awake with a million things on my mind. But the only thing I can hear is this song.

I remember the nights I’d lay in bed, next to her, yet being so far apart. This song would play like a soundtrack in my mind, an anthem to the loneliness I’d feel. I really don’t miss that feeling, but I miss her.

How is it possible to miss someone that really inflicted some of the most hurtful moments in my life? It’s like saying I miss walking around with shards of glass in my shoe.

I’m probably all contemplative about those nights, tonight, because I cried when I tried laying in the bed this evening. Apparently I’m not quite at “sleeping in the bed without her at least physically present” status.

This.

Sucks.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Emotional Spinach

In attorneys, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, homosexuality, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, Pain, parenting, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, single, sleep, women on May 6, 2011 at 12:15 am

It’s been a month and a day, today.

I was singing in the shower today, a song by Jewel. I came to one line “Hearts are broken every day” and it dawned on me. . . exactly how I was feeling one month and one day ago, someone else is feeling right now.

I remember that feeling of constant pain, wondering if it would ever stop hurting ( If you’re reading this, and you’re wondering the same. . yes, it does).

Right now, I’m determined to write my own story. The new page may have faint impressions of the story written on the page before, but as I keep turning the pages, those impressions fade away. I’m realizing just how amazing life can be, without her pain and anger. I don’t miss how she used to hurt me way more than I miss those brief moments she would actually reach out to me.

It’s been a month and one day.

The divorce is still going on, and there are moments I can’t really talk about yet. But let’s just say that I’m confident.

Today, one month and one day later, I am a little bit stronger. Even if I can’t consume cans of spinach like Popeye and grow muscles that show a physical strength, I just know I am getting stronger everyday.

Just knowing this, is my emotional spinach.