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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Rain, Rain Don’t Go Away *waves good-bye to 2011*

In 2011, blog, Blue Like Jazz, children, christian, Christmas 2011, communication, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, Edgefield McMenamins, family, Flowers, Friend, gardening, gay, God, grief, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, Laughing stars, lesbian, LGBTQ, Love, marriage, Mary J Blige, Natasha Bedingfield, New Years Eve, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, Portland Oregon, Rain, Relationships, single, The Little Prince, Uncategorized, vows, wedding, women, writing on December 31, 2011 at 11:36 am

Dang what a year it’s been.

I don’t use today to mark my choice to make some big changes with a resolution list, I believe change should happen now. I know that people tend to look at it as some sort of day to mark as the big change day, but I want to change things right where I am. And I made a lot of changes in 2011.

The real year mark comes this April when I made the change to end my marriage and get out of a bad situation. Had I stayed, well.. it scares me to think where I would be today.

I’m not sure if she was home for NYE, though she probably wasn’t. I do recall thinking to myself that I wanted to not be sitting around for the holiday, again. In all my adult years, I’ve been out only twice for NYE. I had mistaking thought it was only once, but I recalled a really bad date I had years ago. I’m not a party girl and honestly would rather snuggle in with someone I love watching movies and eating pizza. I like going out for great food and all of that stuff, but standing around in a huge crowd of strangers after paying out some insane entry fee to a NYE party, just isn’t my thing. I’d rather spend that money on a new pair of heels or something equally wonderful. But mostly, it just goes to bills.

I picked up my daughter yesterday, and I was so happy to see her. She came bearing pressies for the family. We decided to have our Christmas together, post Christmas. As we piled out of the van (yes van. There is a blog I am working on, it’s an amazing thing) and stepped up to the door, we found a package left at the door. It was from my son overseas. It was his pressies for his brothers. There I stood feeling as though I had both of older children arrive at the door at the same time to celebrate with us. It was amazing timing, and so medicinal for my soul. We opened pressies, had chinese food and smiled. It was a wonderful feeling to have the sense of all my children together in the same room for the holidays.

I am not sure where some of you are, that read my blog. Which by the way, thank you for reading. If you are in a bad place, a bad relationship or a crappy situation… don’t wait to make that change. Courage is not something that comes first, it’s something that arrives during. That first step belongs to you. Don’t worry about what the possibilities are, worry about the reality of the situation of where you are now. If the memories of what used to be keep you tethered to what you have now, let me say that while things change and we grow over time, so does love. Sometimes I imagine love is rain . It’s why Spring is so pretty. I can’t imagine a Spring here in NW Oregon without it. I’m pretty sure you can figure out what would happen if there was no rain. Love is a lot like that. Without it, there is no growth. Trying to get something to grow by just demanding it, doesn’t work. Heck, if it did that money tree I keep trying to plant would have been old growth by now, but love doesn’t work that way. It can’t be forced, it can’t be demanded. But, I’ve learned that love can be given freely to myself, from myself. That means I need to be good to myself and walk away from those places where it has ceased to rain, and I am just stuck in a barren desert.

Last year I was in that desert, today I enjoy what the rain breathes.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – I Saw Your Picture Today..

In attorneys, Blog, Break-up, cancer, children, christian, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, Facebook, family, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lesbian, lgbt, Love, love, Marriage, marriage, Pain, parenting, pictures, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, September, single, sleep, Uncategorized, wedding, women, Writing, writing on September 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Sometime during our marriage, I had put together a bulletin board that was on the wall, at the foot of the bed. On the board I had posted some of my favorite photos of us, along with some sentimental keepsakes (like that parking ticket and cards). It was my hope that in the midst of the difficult period of our marriage, having the visual of us as a couple.. smiling.. would somehow be as an encouragement. It was to be the first thing to see in the morning, and the last visual at night.

Ha.

I look at her in the photos now, and what used to look like a couple that was happy, merely has become a visual reminder of what an epic mistake I made. I look at this woman in the photos that I am standing next to, and I try to connect with the emotions I had for her at the time the picture was taken. Why was I looking at her like that? I look like I might be looking at with her with love, but I don’t feel it.

I have one photo of us that was my favorite. We were sitting beside our first Christmas Tree, while my daughter took photos of us. My daughter, who is hysterically hysterical, made my ex and I laugh. My daughter caught that image of us laughing. I loved that picture because it’s not posed and seemed to catch a glimpse of joy that we shared between us. But when I look at the picture, I just keep asking myself if that was a fluke moment, because I don’t remember many more times of joy after that picture. The images I have burned into my mind, the memories, don’t even look close to the feelings of happiness I had in that moment captured in that picture.

The woman I see when I look at those pics now, is a stranger. She is an emotional and intellectual stranger to me. If I had never met her, I would have passed her on the street and never even given her a second look. There is nothing real special about her that stands out. She isn’t really attractive (I don’t say that to be mean, she just isn’t).. But it wasn’t her outer appearance that I was looking for when I met her. For me, attraction starts in the mind, moves to the heart, then moves to the eyes. Now seeing her for the woman she has revealed herself to be, there is nothing about her that I would even want to know on the level of a friendship.

Maybe all of that seems harsh to say, or maybe it sounds like the typical break-up lingo that the ex spews out because they’re hurt and angry. But, when I am really listening to my heart, I feel none of those things. In fact, when I look at the photos now, I feel nothing other than curiosity as to how I managed to let this woman, this stranger, completely draw me in. If I am honest with myself, that really makes me angry at no one, other than myself.

The images burned into the paper, just don’t match the images burned into my mind and my heart of what I was left with. So, I burned them. The cards, the envelopes, the memories, the fluke moments of joy…

and this is what the whole pile of memories was reduced to. ..

http://youtu.be/gWCeVAuCCfA