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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – This Is My Life

In AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, feelings, finances, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, movies, Myspace, Netflix, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, same sex, single, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, women, Writing on January 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

For some reason I thought it had already been 9 months that had passed, but in reality it’s just passed. That’s a good thing, because that tells me my life has continued in a more positive light. I’ve been writing more about the things the my life is about now, then it was when I was married. Another good indicator that I’ve moved on.. That I’m whole again.

Because of that, I’ve decided that I may continue writing up until the year mark, but I’d like to focus more on my life today and where I’m going now. This blog will no longer be about My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce, but instead my life.

I thought I might wait until that year mark, but honestly I’m ready now. Because I’m living.. now.

As of today, I’d like to introduce you to My Big Fat Lesbian Life.

Hi, I’m Lia.

I’m a woman,

A Mom,

This is my life.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – When The Mail Makes You Cry

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, Comedian, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, friendship, gay, God, grief, healing, health, Husband, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Marriage, military, Myspace, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, portland oregon, relationships, religion, single, The Little Prince, wedding, women, Writing on December 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Penguin oh penguin wherefore art thou oh penguin?

Yes, my penguin. It’s what I say when I talk with sparkles in my eyes, romantic thoughts on my heart and dreams in my head. I long to meet my penguin. My life partner.

I spent a portion of my morning daydreaming. I was reflecting in the past months that I’ve been healing and gained some experience in the dating scene. So it was with a bit of wonderment that I let myself daydream and ask that question “when might I meet my penguin?”. I believe in love, so I haven’t given up, but I’m also not so stressed about it that I’m clinging to every possibility put there. I want a healthy love, not just any love.

I felt a little pang of wanting to be romanced and wished I had a lover who wanted to text me “Good Morning Beautiful” or something so sweet that makes me smile in that way only a lover can move me. To feel thought of in that way that women like to be thought of (well, me anyways).

Putting away my daydreams so as not to get lost, a knock at the door grounded my feet. It was UPS and thought at first it was the wrong apt. I don’t normally get packages.

Looking at the box, and not recognizing the sending address, I opened it to find a beautifully wrapped pressie. The card indicated it was sent from my friend Ta (obviously not her full name, but I haven’t asked her permission to call her out by name). I met Ta through my friend Aaron shortly before he passed, and she is a beautiful extension of friendship I had in him. His life literally rippled to mine.

I thought about slipping it under the tree, but thought “really?” and decided to open it right then and there.

Before me was one of the most beautiful snow globes I’ve ever held, and inscribed on the front is “Lia – Your Penguin is out there – Ta”

I cried.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Bruce Hornsby

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, cancer, christian, Christmas, civil unions, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, feelings, Friend, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, homosexuality, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Marriage, movies, Musician, Myspace, New York, news, Oregon, Politics, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sex, women, Writing on December 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm

** (added 12/25) Today I was asked where this song came from, what made me think of it. There have been three people who at one time or another who had an impact on my heart in a way that relates to this song. One being my ex wife of course, one was my first big crush in high school (that girl made me a mess every time she was near) and the other … well, they know who they are. All three have a thread that when woven together, have a place in this song. The song expresses perfectly how I see them through my eyes… through my heart… at one time or another. It’s been painful yet beautiful growth. I think this song expresses that part of my journey perfectly. **

Years ago I was in radio. I started out learning the business playing Madonna and Cyndi Lauper 45s. Among the piles, was Bruce Hornsby. I didn’t really listen to him much, mostly because I didn’t get his music. I was in my teens, and while I had experienced some harsh life lessons already, I hadn’t experienced what Bruce was singing about. The beauty of his music escaped me, because I hadn’t felt the pain of a lovers broken heart yet.

Lately I’ve been drawn to his music … and I realize that somewhere along the way between that teen spinning 45s and now, that I finally get it. It’s like discovering a part of my youth that could only be understood through the heart of the adult me (minus the big hair).
Thank You Bruce.

Mandolin Rain lyricsMandolin Rain
B. R. Hornsby/John Hornsby

The song came and went
Like the times that we spent
Hiding out from the rain under the carnival tent
I laughed and she’d smile
It would last for awhile
You don’t know what you got till you lose it all again

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

A cool evening dance
Listening to the bluegrass band takes the chill
From the air till they play the last song
I’ll do my time
Keeping you off my mind but there’s moments
That I find, I’m not feeling so strong

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

Running down by the lakeshore
She did love the sound of a summer storm
It played on the lake like a mandolin
Now it’s washing her away again

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

The boat’s steaming in
I watch the sidewheel spin and I
Think about her when I hear that whistle blow
I can’t change my mind
I knew all the time that she’d go
But that’s a choice I made long ago

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Aaron

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, portland oregon, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 2, 2011 at 5:11 pm

My friend,

Who quickly became a brother,

Aaron died this morning.

That seems like the wrong words to say, because Aaron will never really die. Aaron will always live through this amazing legacy of love he’s created.

Through his joy, pain, love for God..

By the amazing love he always showered on his wife, and praised her so openly, always making those of us who have never known
such love from another so envious … but setting a standard.

There’s so many things I could say about my amazing friend Aaron. But all I can really say is ..

Your star still shines my friend..

You have not,

and never will..

fade.

Stars as bright as you, never fall.

Stars like you,

shine… and light the way for all who take the time to look.

Make Dad smile.

I love you,

Sis

*** I don’t know why, but this post is publishing before the post I wrote yesterday.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – The Little Prince & Laughing Stars – My Friend Aaron Jamison

In Aaron Jamison, AP News, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Brother, C.S. Lewis, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, Comedian, Crying, Current events, Facebook, family, Friend, God, grief, health, Husband, Jell-O, KVAL TV, Laughing stars, Life, Love, Marriage, Monopoly, movies, Musician, Myspace, netfix, New York, news, Pain, parenting, promises, relationships, religion, sleep, Steve Taylor, The Little Prince, Troutdale Oregon, vows, wedding, Wedding Ring, women, Writing on October 1, 2011 at 6:23 pm

My friend Aaron Jamison is nearing the end of his journey. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday, where he’ll remain for the 1-2 weeks he was given to finish his story. But his story will never end. All those who have read his life carry the words he wrote, speak and live.

If you haven’t heard of Aaron Jamison, he made national and world news in his journey.

Here’s a few links to his story (please keep in mind that he’s been given so many “expiration dates” as he calls it, he actually had the original date tattooed after it had well gone and passed, that you’ll see a few dates given)..

I wanted to share a blog I wrote sometime ago, shortly after Aaron was diagnosed. It just seems fitting to share it right now..

Originally titled “Shiny Ceiling Decorated In Love” — I’m reminded more of The Little Prince and his laughing stars..

April 15, 2009

It is Tuesday night..

I was driving home from Eugene tonight.. It is a bit of a drive, so I have a lot of time to think to myself.

I was passing the fields through Hwy99 and had some Eva Cassidy filling the air as my mind wandered through my life, trying to make some sense of it all.

I think we all from time to time ponder what it would be like if we were to pass on. Of course, my children would remember me, but would my life have made an impact on anyone else? Would the only thing my children remember of me, be that I was a dork who jumped on beds to wake them up and would laugh as I danced around the house blowing bubbles to make them laugh? Or would it be that I was angry when they tracked mud all over the carpet? …

My phone sends me a message anytime someone I am stalking online changes their status or posts things to their page on Facebook. Don’t worry, I am only stalking one person. ..

So I am driving and pondering the impact of my life, when Aaron changed
his status. It read “is sad and incredibly happy to watch the ones he loves grow and make choices as he waits to fade away. Never thought I’d face or feel the things I am lately.” Just reading that now, haunts me.

..

I proceeded to drive home, and along the way that the night sky was clear. being away from city lights, I could see the sky lit up in all its brilliance with stars that seemed to know no end. Fittingly, I had Eva Cassidy crooning Fields Of Gold into my heart, as I decided to pull over for a few moments and let my eyes drink the vision before me.. I admit I was feeling jealous of the stars who knew their place, their purpose..

Aarons words, my pondering, the words to the song.. the stars before me..

I was still.

I was amazed that God could hang every star with a purpose, with all
intent and design knowing exactly where he placed each and every one.
This really baffles me considering I lose pieces of paper in my very tiny apartment and here is this galaxy filled with stars, not a one lost but yet called by name.

I just sat there and pondered all that I was seeing, as a star fell from the sky and Aarons words haunted me. Of all the stars that will continue to shine, one fell from the sky tonight. One, fell from the sky that will no longer visibly shine. Yet it is the only star I can recall noticing, seeing, and being impacted by. So very much like Aaron, myself.. all of us.

This life is very brief, and tonight that
star fell not knowing the impact it made on the one person who watched it fall from the sky as she pondered her life. Yet, I doubt I will forget it anytime soon.

I am not sure I will ever know if I made an impact in this life to anyone else other than the children I am always joking about sending to therapy as adults. And sometimes, I am not sure of my own path as I flow from place to place wondering if I will ever belong. But I do know that whether I am to be a star that falls or one that continues to
shine visible to the naked eye, my goal will always be to shine through the life of others where eyes can not see. Even if it means I am just to be the one who calls a star by name, not the one to hang brightly.

The only thing to fade, are days. I pray the visions I write upon the hearts of others is sharpie worthy..

Love life.

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