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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Wide Awake

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, christian, communication, connection, dating, equality, gay, God, healing, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Life, Love, Oregon, Portland, relationships, Relationships, respect, sex, single, Uncategorized, women, Writing on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 am

I will open this with a hard truth.

Recently a friend of mine, Lisa Mae, asked me a very honest question during a conversation, as she listened to my latest mess of a dating situation where I had to break off yet another disaster. She asked me “Aren’t you tired of telling the same story?”

Yes. Very much so actually.

In my recent awakening that I have an incredible tolerance for bullshit (see previous blog titled “Bullshit”) I have been far less tolerant of the bullshit, much quicker. While it is awesome, it also really makes dating a challenge. Because people are just full of all sorts of crap that they haven’t dealt with. Her question reveled something to me quite honestly that I need to deal with. I want to write a new story.I had to think about what that means to me.

What it means to me is taking a new step. My first step.. I have decided to change my complete outlook on how dating will be.  I want to change my story in a lot of ways, and it starts with me. While I have a new lower tolerance for bullshit, it makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where I give space to people I find in a matter of time, I have to walk away from. It’s empowering to walk away, but it also gets very lonely.

So how will dating look? I want to spend time getting to know someone. I want to bring back the lost art of conversation. The kind of conversations that don’t have sentences like “Hey, want to move in?”, “Let’s buy a puppy together.” and the ever so popular “Who’s paying for the U-Haul?” (add side conversations regarding bubble wrap and trailer hitches).

Since my proclaimed change, I have been asked a lot of about what it is I am looking for in another person. I think I have attacked this question in another blog, but I also think my thoughts may have changed (I hope at least matured) since. There are some things that of course, always evolve. These are the things though, that I have found over the past two years, that have come to mean the most to me as a woman.

1.) I need someone who is whole. By this I don’t mean someone who has never lived. I mean someone who has closure in their life. No open doors to the past that keep shades of light flooding into their space. No hauntings of ex partners they haven’t made closure on. I NEED to know that there is space for me in their life. I don’t want to share that space trying to compete with the memory, or emotions of someone else. I am an amazing woman. I deserve nothing less this time.

2.) I need someone who can deal with their own shit (pardon the language).  I need someone who has the ability to handle their own affairs, and does it well. I want to be there to support them in the way a partner should. I don’t want to be a treated as nothing more than a personal assistant.

3.) I need someone who has room for me. I want to be the only woman who is in their life. I want a life partner, not someone to just fill my time, but to share life with. I am not talking about every single moment of every single day. I need them to have outside interests and something separate from me, but I don’t want to worry if they are the type to not keep boundaries with others, for me.. us. I want someone I can build security with, and build trust. That is something that a lot of people don’t get either. I am not paranoid that everyone is a cheater or a manipulator, but trust is built. It is not just given. The floor to build trust on, is security. Make a woman feel secure, and she will trust you. It’s a two way street though.

4.) I want to be able to openly communicate and feel heard. I want to be able to talk to my partner when something isn’t working, and not be met with resentment. I want to give that to my partner as well. Respectfully talk, respectfully listen, respectfully react. I want someone who is able to take personal responsibility and work through something with a resolution, instead of trying to make me feel my response is just wrong and avoid having to take personal responsibility for anything. Ever have someone tell you “Well, it’s your fault. You are just insecure, get over it.” ? Well guess what? Sometimes, we do stupid things to make our partners feel insecure. If we are unable to take personal responsibility, we are not ready to take on the responsibility of being the lover of our partners heart.

5.) I want passion. I know romantic love comes and goes, I have always know that. Though passion is something I want to always work on. Not just the sexual, but conversationally. Mentally. I want someone who can mentally stimulate me. Teach me something I don’t know. Share new things with me. Music, books, literature, spiritual… Something that makes me feel alive. I have to admit, there is something about a mind that drives me wild. Share music with me, and I swoon. Music that is strong, alive with meaning and depth. Someone who can connect to those things, *sigh*.. yeah. Explore me with your mind, before  your hands.

6.) A sense of spirituality. It doesn’t have to be the same as mine, but a mutual respect of my faith, as I respect theirs. There is something to be drawn from each other when you share faith.

7.) Do not try to rescue me. I do not need rescued. I do not need a Prince riding in on a horse. Horses freak me out anyways. Just someone who can stroll in and share a stellar conversation. I want to walk next to someone and be a team. Someone I can depend on, and someone who can depend on me.

8.) I want to meet someone who wants to get to know me, just as much as I want to get to know them. Someone who will ask me questions about the person I am, and show interest in getting to know who I am. I always ask questions, and start conversation. I would love it if someone took the time to show me that I am worth getting to know, as well.

That is a good start to explain what it is I want. I almost venture to say need. I’ve compromised a few of these things from time to time, and well.. how has that worked out for me so far? Yeah, I know that no one is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking to be true to those things that I know I have longed for.  Those things I know that move me, as a woman. I know I have compromised these things in the past, to not even be met half way. It doesn’t feel good to have people rush in, take what they want and leave the rest. It’s like allowing yourself to be an emotional clearance sale, opening the doors, and allowing people to just pull off what they want, and leave.

No more emotional clearance sales.

I’m just so much more worthy than being last seasons trend.

 

*Insert Wide Awake by Katy Perry. I couldn’t pick a more perfect song for this entry.

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My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Dating After Divorce 

In Blog, blogging, Break-up, Choose Joy, Christmas, dating, Divorce, equality, Facebook, Foolish Hearts, gay marriage, God, homosexuality, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, LGBTQ, Love, Marriage, minivan, Oregon, Portland, Rain, relationships, respect, sex, single, women, Writing on December 3, 2012 at 3:17 am

Ever live in one of those places that has one of those crummy water settings in the shower? It’s like you barely touch it, and it goes from freezing cold to scalding hot. You are standing there naked, usually with shampoo in your hair, and trying to dodge the extreme streams of water shooting at you.
My dating life has been pretty much the same way.

The dangers of dating, especially when you write a blog, is that you can’t really talk about some of the things going on in your mind, because the chances are they will read it. However, I am not dating any of these people any longer, and I really need to talk about it. One, to talk about how things have moved on in my life, and also because I learned a lot from the past few years. It would be ridiculous to try and say that some of these experiences haven’t impacted change in my life one way or another. In fact, the blog “Bullshit” was an epiphany I had while dating someone, and is what gave me the ability to call her up and drop her like I probably should have done after the first date.

There is one person who I encountered before my ex wife, and I need to share about her. I know this is about how my life has moved on since my ex, but she has woven herself in my heart and she played an important role. Her name was Bea (not her real name). It wasn’t a relationship, in fact she was just ending a 2 year relationship when I reconnected with her. I am not sure what it was, or how she defined it. I do know that I loved her. Back in mid 80s in high school I had a crush on her. She couldn’t come near me without my palms sweating, and I could never really look at her without feeling that rush of blood going to my face. I don’t think I spoke a full sentence to her being able to make eye contact with her. She was like a dream. Her smile, the way she carried herself, her laugh… it all penetrated my very being. I wanted to be close to her, but I lacked confidence. Fast forward to 2009 and I had found her on Facebook. I dropped her a line and we reconnected. When I laid eyes on her all those years later, it was like being in high school all over again. Exactly like high school all over again… I still lacked composure when she was near. I still remember our first kiss. It was everything I had thought it would be, soft and wonderful. Things didn’t turn out so well (I really don’t want to bring up all the details that took me so long to grow through) but I don’t think she ever knew to the extent of how much my heart broke after things turned messy, and I have never told her. I can state the reasons why it was a mess, I was in such a different place then, but I could never bring myself to tell her just how much I had loved her, how much she meant to me, and how I just wanted to make her smile. Instead, I just cut her out of my life. It was the easier, less painful road for me to take at the time. I cried for months, and I wore my friends ears out over that. I must have picked up the phone to call her what seemed like a million times just to hear her voice, but instead I’d just sit and stare at her number on my screen and eventually just put my phone in my pocket. All the texts I’d type out, then just erase. I can’t play the “If I could only go back in time” game in my mind, so I don’t. But hindsight is 20/20 and I do wish I had been in a much better place in my life during that time.

There was one more woman I met before I met my ex. There was an interest there, but we never dated. I am eternally thankful for her friendship. She needs a mention here, because she is a truly beautiful person. I’ll call her Songbird.

Then there was my ex. Since the first whole year of this blog has been about her, I think you get the picture. What. A. Mistake.

Then there was the first person I dated after my ex. I’ll call her Thunder. She made me feel attractive again. After a year and a half living with the Siberian Queen of Winter, it was nice to feel attractive, desired and even capable. Thunder and I were compatible in some ways, and in others.. not so much. She was a spitfire, she still is. There were times she would say things that would just cause me to stop in my tracks. I felt she lacked a filter at times. and at times it was overwhelming. But she also could make me laugh until I had tears in my eyes. And the sex….. I’ll be honest, it was the most functional thing we had going for us some of the time. She was present, and it was nice to feel like I was in bed with someone. If you’ve ever been in a bad relationship, you know what I am talking about. That feeling of loneliness that comes with sharing the same bed with someone who just isn’t emotionally there. It is one of the worst feelings of loneliness I have ever experienced. I broke it off with Thunder, and it took time for us to restore a friendship, but she will always be an important part of my journey.

After Thunder, I spent some time just dating. I met some nice people, and some really messy people. One lady comes to mind, and to this day still makes me cringe when I think about it. I spent two hours seated across from this woman as she told me every single sexual encounter she had ever had in all of her life, including the man she slept with 3 months prior “just to make sure” she was gay. She ended her long tale with the closing sentence of “I’m lucky I never caught anything.” I was horrified. She later went on the blow my texts up with proclamations of how she wanted to be a part of my world. Uh…. no.

There was Beaverton. OK so that is not her name, but it is where I would see her for lunch. It wasn’t a relationship, but we dated. I really liked her a lot. She was pretty hot and cold though, just like that shower I was talking about. One minute she seemed really into it, and the next.. I had no idea. I was often confused as to what was going through her mind, and so I couldn’t really emotionally move anywhere with it. I was pretty disappointed, because I really liked her. But I couldn’t take the hot & cold mess. I never knew from one to the next if I sent her a text, that she would freak out and think I was getting serious, or if I didn’t text her and she would think I didn’t care. Since I would go for a few days in between hearing from her, I just never knew if she was coming or going. I ended up writing her a note and just ending it. I still smile when I think of her, because despite everything, she made some really sweet memories for me.

Then I met someone through a mutual friend. I’ll call her Cave. The reason I will call her cave, is because she really should have just moved to one. She was in the middle of a divorce from her wife.. dating mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 was even going on a second date with her. At first she seemed kind, and compassionate. But as time moved on, I realized that there was this depressive darkness that just seemed oppressing, all around her. It slowly started to creep into my own life, and even my friends were asking me where my joy had gone. I smiled less, I laughed less, and I seemed tense a lot of the time. I was tired a lot, and seemed to drag my feet. It happened almost without me knowing. One day I was happy… me. Then a few months down the road, and I am just going through the routines of the day. She was toxic to me. One day she would be so kind and so gentle. The next, she wouldn’t answer the phone or texts because she needed space. She did this with her friends as well. She would just shutdown. It often left me wondering if I did something wrong, and if I asked she would tell me “no’ but would proceed to talk to me as though I had. She was abrasive, and yet would expect me to remain gentle despite her tone or words. Then she would accuse me of not being “connected” or “feeling” her. It was like being caught in the spiral of water heading down a drain. There is so much a person can endure, and I honestly just couldn’t take it anymore. The whole experience was like walking in the dark with no clue where the light switch was.

So then I met the last person I dated. She seemed to be the opposite of Cave, and that was my initial attraction. She was funny, moved around through the day, respected her faith, and I was drawn to what I thought was light. What I thought was light, turned out to be the first layer of many that were the onion of dysfunction. I’ll call her Onion. Onion and I only dated a few months before I made the call and broke it off with her. I let her feel it was a mutual decision after presenting to her the reasons why we shouldn’t date, but the truth is I was not going to date her again whether she agreed or not. We only dated a couple of weeks before she flew back to see her parents for a wedding. It would be another month before I spent any real time with her after that. The most I saw her was to pick her up from PDX after her returning flight, and took her home the next morning. But not before Onion had carelessly brought poison ivy into my home. She had contracted it while back home, and I begged her to please be considerate in how she cleaned it off before coming to my home. I have to admit I was really taken back when she sat on my couch crying because she was having separation anxiety from her parents (her explanation) after the flight. Little did I know at that time, that I needed to be as persistent with her as I would have to be with a teenager, because she ended up tracking poison ivy it into my home, and I ended up getting it on my leg. I didn’t want to see her for two weeks after that. Her nonchalant attitude about it, was even worse. It was the first red flag of lack of respect of space, and sadly wasn’t the last. The vision that stayed with me thought, was when I walked out to my kitchen and caught her in my cupboards, eating chips out of a bag. That might not seem like a big deal to most, but I was raised with respect of other peoples space and homes. I would never dream of just walking in, tossing open a cupboard and start eating your flipping chips. Yet, I found myself seeing her as teenager trapped in the body of a woman from that moment on. Every connection with her just seemed unbalanced with me, and I even started to wonder if she really just needed to pack her stuff up, and move into her parents basement. Maybe that is a harsh thing to say, but she was very dependent on them in ways a woman in her 40s really shouldn’t be. It felt so good to just end that disaster.

During the last dating escapade, is when I was talking with my pal Nancy and came to the realization that I have a high tolerance for bullsh*& from people. I could never figure out why I seemed to give things more of a chance than it really deserved. I would meet broken people, and allow broken behavior. I wanted something functional and happy, but it just never happened. I would enter into something with the hopes that it would be good, but the first shot of dysfunction and I would just shrug my shoulders and say “OK”.. Of course I knew it was dysfunction, but I never really understood to the levels of dysfunctional it was. My childhood had made desensitized me in a way, and made me just accept it as something that could be dealt with, because I had the survival skills to deal with it. But once I realized that it’s really not OK on any level, and I don’t have to deal with it, that was it. My bullsh*& tolerance is really much more smaller now. In fact, I really don’t care to ever deal with it. I know relationships go through things and seasons. I get that. In dating though? No.. I am so done with putting myself though the bs.

So what do I want?

Gentleness. Kindness. Compassionate. Honest. Loyal. Patient. Knows how to smile. Has interests outside of mine. Willing to share interests with each other. Soft spoken, but not passive. Has faith. Has hope.

The past 4 years has taught me more about what it is I am wanting in a relationship, and what I am unwilling to put up with from another person. I’ve made mistakes along the way, and I am not claiming to be without blame in any of the above mentioned situations. I am sure they have their side of how things went, but this is from my perspective. I do know the last two experiences especially were my breaking point, and my teaching moments. Perhaps I should thank them in some odd way, for providing me some growth moments.

Compromise and meeting someone where they are, is one thing in a partnership. But in a dating relationship, you really should be having fun as you get to know each other. It doesn’t have to be this intense situation where you are finding yourself make soft spaces to fall for the other person, merely to avoid a confrontation or because you are afraid to say ‘this is what I want’ and you aren’t willing to settle. It’s not like I am saying “Gee, I can’t date you because you drive a Honda and I only date those who drive Toyota.” No.. This is my future, my happiness, my choice for a life partner. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with someone else. I want to share my space with someone I can make laugh, smile, feel love and appreciated. I would like that in return.

The past 4 years I have had my heart broken, I have felt restored, I have had tears, I have had smiles.. but now is the time I can allow myself to say what it is I want from another person, and not feel like I’m being too selective. Is it really being too selective to say “Hey, I’d like you to be healthy too, because I’m ready for a mature and balanced relationship.”? No.. But we tell ourselves way too often that if we are somehow standing on that ground that we are just not compromising. When in reality we are compromising our own standards for what we would like to share with another person.

That is just one crummy shower to take for the next 50 years with someone else.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – I’m Angry. I’m Sad. I’m Hurt. I’m Angry.

In Aaron Jamison, Blog, cancer, Cancer Sucks, children, Choose Joy, christian, communication, connection, Crying, Current events, emotions, encouragement, Facebook, feelings, Friend, friendship, God, grief, healing, health, kindness, Lesbian, Life, Love, military, Mom, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, pictures, Portland, portland oregon, Questions, relationships, religion, women, Writing on March 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

A couple of days ago my son had his 4th surgery. This time, they removed half of his thyroid because of a growth.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I was expecting him home in April (he’s stationed overseas, Marines). I haven’t seen him once since his cancer diagnosis a year ago.

They’re not sending him home in April. In fact, it could be months before his discharge now.

He posted a pic of his surgical scar on his Facebook wall after surgery, and my heart just sank. Well meaning friends have tried to keep my eyes on the fact my son is still alive, getting care, and will be home. But I’m angry, and I need to be angry. Of course I’m thankful my son is still alive, in medical care, and will be home.

But I’m angry.

I’m angry that my son has cancer at 22. I’m angry I can’t be with him. I’m angry he has to have surgery. I’m angry he is left with the scars to remind the very real battle he is fighting. I’m angry that I can’t be angry and feel like I have permission to be angry.

I’m grieving. Anger is an important part of the process, and I can’t skip one piece to reach acceptance. It’s like building a bed, but eliminating the sides of the frame. If you don’t add all the pieces, it will just keep falling apart every time you lay down. Repeating the motion will produce the same result. I need to be angry, be free to be angry, be free to say it out loud and feel safe in doing so.

I know people mean well, and I’m blessed to have people in my life who love and care enough to want to remind me of what’s good. I love each and every one of them for it. I just need to be angry too, and be told its OK to hurt that my son is dealing with such big stuff in his life, and know that this feeling is normal as I watch my son stand through this. It doesn’t reflect on my faith, but rather the fact I’m human.

I’m sad, I’m hurt…

I’m angry…

and it’s OK.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – .

In 2012, blog, cancer, Edgefield McMenamins, encouragement, equality, Flowers, gay, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Jell-O, kisses, Laughing stars, lgbt, LGBTQ, Life, Love, military, Oregon, people, pictures, Portland Oregon, Questions, Rain, Relationships, religion, sex, single, stress, Troutdale Oregon, Writing on March 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It’s been quite a week.

 

That’s all I got.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Fill A Heart

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, christian, Current events, Edgefield McMenamins, emotions, encouragement, equality, Facebook, kindness, Kiss, kisses, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Oregon, people, portland oregon, Rain, relationships, The Little Prince, women, Writing on February 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Somedays, I just feel like I can’t do anything right.

It could be the way I keep managing to slam my seat belt in the car door, lose my keys, the days I forget to start the dishwasher, misplacing my favorite earrings, or over tweeze one brow giving me a permanent look of raising a brow. I don’t even know how to raise only one brow.

It’s days like that, that I need my heart filled. I need to hear what it is I’m doing right, versus where it is I’m falling short.

I’m sure we all feel like this from time to time, but I think we forget outside of ourselves and that hearts need to be filled.

So go… say something nice to someone today. Let them know what they’re doing right. It doesn’t have to be some big display of praise, though don’t stop yourself if that’s what’s on your heart. But fill someone’s heart today with letting them know what they mean to you, or what it is they do that makes you smile.

With today’s gas prices one thing we can be sure of, we can all afford to fill a heart.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Into The Wild & Into My Heart

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, Choose Joy, Current events, dating, equality, Facebook, family, feelings, friendship, gardening, God, healing, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Oregon, parenting, people, portland oregon, Rain, relationships, women, Writing on February 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

It’s been no secret to anyone around me, that moving up here has been one of the biggest culture shocks to my system. Of course the reasons I moved from my small town, were of the worst reasons in the bigger picture, but at the time I truly felt it was what I needed to do to give my marriage a chance. It wasn’t the plan when I first married, and it wasn’t the plan after I had moved (we both wanted to move to the country) but all of that aside (I’ve written that out of my system already) this is where I have landed.

I laid in bed for a bit, and tried to figure out exactly at what point it was I transitioned in this woman that adapted to her surroundings. Where it was exactly I had closed that door to the barefeet against the grass, and replaced it with the sound of my heels walking across a parking lot. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate wearing heels, but if given the option I would gladly toss my heels and all they have come to resemble since moving here.

I’m meeting with a life coach once a week. She asks questions that I sometimes struggle with the answers to, because they face me to explore myself in ways I haven’t in quite sometime. One of my challenges this week is to list 10 things I need. That might not sound hard to some of you, but to me it made me stop in my tracks. I haven’t thought about what I need in quite awhile. My day is usually filled with the needs of others, and ofettimes I set aside what it is I need as a person. I don’t want to lose the sound of myself, because I can feel it slowly getting quieter above the sounds of other things. So I thought about the things she asked and listened to what I could still hear.

I came up with a list. This list is of course, subject to change the more I think about it, but off the top of my heart, this is what I heard when I listened to that woman inside of me.

So, here it is:

1.) Peace. I need the peace that can only come from being away from the noise of the daily movement up here.  The peace that comes from planting a seed, or a flower in the ground. I miss gardening. I miss feeling connected to something around me.

2.) I want to feel of grass on my feet and the sun on my face. In all reality I don’t mind the city; I love aspects of it. I just hate the area I live in currently.

3.) To touch and be touched.

4.) To be desired. Desired in that quiet way a soft kiss on the neck can make you feel. That kiss that makes you feel wanted. I love words, and who doesn’t like to get that text that says “I think you’re beautiful” or some equally romantic thing that makes you feel thought of throughout the day.. but that  moment that you are being quietly explored in a way that says “I see you”..well, it’s pretty amazing.

5.) To love and be loved. I’ve been working on #17 on my life list for sometime now.

6.) Open skies. No city lights, just the stars when I walk outside. Being able to watch the sun set and sleep behind the horizon. Even if it’s just making time once a week to land somewhere I can see it all.

7.) Randon kindness

8.) Music. I’m pretty sure the soundtrack to my life involves a song by Barry Manillow. That’s the only time you will see me admit this.

9.) It really is hard to come up with 10 things, because the things I mentioned above are the essential things in my life. Peace, open spaces, love, to be desired, touch, music.. Those are the things that my soul needs. All else that follows is like that extra bit of butter on your already delicious pancakes.

A quote by my favorite author, Donald Miller, says:

“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?”

That pretty much sums up my list of things I need, and I guess a little bit of what I want. I know I could only come up with 9, but I wasn’t sure exactly how to fit ” I would like to pet a pig” into the whole scheme of things. I would like to see a firefly much more than petting a pig, but petting a pig seems more doable up here in Oregon.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Update On Son

In Blog, cancer, Cancer Sucks, Choose Joy, christian, Crying, Current events, friendship, gay, God, grief, healing, health, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Oregon, Pain, parenting, people, Portland, portland oregon, Questions, Writing on January 29, 2012 at 11:58 pm

My son is coming home in April. It’s just not soon enough.

I miss that kid more than I can begin to even tell you. My first born child, I had him when I was 20.

Just a child myself in a lot of ways, but having had lived a life full of challenges already, nothing prepared me for the love that would fill me the moment I first held him in my arms.

I received a message on Facebook a week ago, in which he reluctantly told me he’d experienced a blackout and a seizure. He doesn’t want to worry me, I know. But I can’t help but feel helpless in knowing he’s so far away right now, and there’s nothing I can do. Since he’s stationed overseas right now, it’s not as if I can jump in the car and demand he come home. Even if I could do just that, that baby that taught me what it’s like to be a Mom, is now 22. So, here I sit trusting the United States Marine Corps is doing their part to give my son the things he needs, and helping him find his way as these new developments take place. It’s a tough thing to balance out wanting to rush in like a mighty wind and take charge of my sons health care, while respecting his adulthood at the same time.

They (the Drs) don’t know if this new symptom is a part of the cancer, so I’m
remaining hopeful it was a fluke. I do know that my son, however, is a positive young man who keeps finding the bright side to all the things happening. I wish in this case I could be as encouraged, but I struggle to see anything positive as to why a 22 year old should even have to be met with such things.

In my own life, I’m finding joy in the midst of the fog that lies across the valleys. Every day is met without guarantees of how it will unfold, and every day I get up knowing this. I have responsibilities, and sometimes things don’t go according to the schedule I have set out for the day. Children get sick, snow days happen, appointments get cancelled. But I do try to roll with the punches and not get stressed. I learned a long time ago to pick and choose the things I’d allow to get me all worked up when things didn’t go according to plan. There’s bigger things, like my sons cancer, to give my time to.

In rolling with the punches and changes that life brings, finding joy is possible. There are times it’s the last thing we could imagine, there are times that grief or sorrow can make even the most beautiful of things seem invisible to our hearts. But when we’re ready, light will flood into the room and if we’re lucky,

our heart.

My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Dancing My Life

In Blog, blogging, Blue Like Jazz, C.S. Lewis, children, Choose Joy, christian, Current events, dating, equality, Facebook, family, feelings, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, Musician, Oregon, portland oregon, relationships, single, women, Writing on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to dance under the night sky.

It’s actually on my life list of things to do.. Dance under the stars with someone I love. I used to think it would be the ultimate of romantic. Music playing softly, holding close, and just getting lost in the moment.

Of course since I have written that list, things have changed. My understanding of what love is and how love acts is much bigger than those tender moments we share, but rather dancing under the night sky can be the dance of two hearts just being close. It’s a dance all it’s own.

I’ve neglected my list in quite sometime. Maybe because somewhere along the line I realized that going from goal to goal sounds boring. It’s all the moments that take place in between that mean the most to me.

So while I still would like to experience some of those things, I’d like to live in between all of those moments.

Stars are good, stars are magical. But life, is amazing.

My life list..

1. Fly in an airplane for the FIRST time. (see Tennessee)

2. I would really like to start playing the cello again. (Bought one May 2010) — (update.. Cello no more. It was the victim of my divorce)

3. See St. Peters Basilica

4. Dance under the stars with someone I love.

x. Ride in a hot air balloon. (2010 I am changing this. They are pretty to watch, but I think I want mark it off as “eh, I can do without even going up in one.” So.. Move to the country. Or at least somewhere I have my open skies again. (Update, 8/2015 – done!)

6. Changed from original.. My original #6 isn’t realistic.. So I’m changing it to get the nerve to Karaoke, no matter how bad I suck.

7. Meet Diane Sawyer.

8. Own a used bookstore.

9. Go out on Puget Sound in a sail boat.

10. See a show on Broadway, or a Broadway show.

11. Go to the ballet.

12. Learn to play the harp.

13. See Southern California.

14. See Chicago

15. See Boston

16. Plant an all white flower garden

17. This one is personal, but I’ll let you know when it happens

18. See Disneyland

19. See the Northern Lights

x. Learn to ice skate – Jan. 1 2009 – Sherwood Oregon, Gordon Z

x. Go to an art museum – Jan 31 2009 Portland Art Museum. I stood in front of a Monet and Renoir and Van Gogh! Amazing..

22. Get a tat

23. Finish writing my book

x. Finally go to OMSI- April 4th 2009 – Went with Kel! Yay! 🙂 Had fun, saw an interesting exhibit on the Mona Lisa

25. Work on one investigative story for Dateline NBC or 20/20.

26. Deep sea fishing.

x. Finally get the nerve to dye my hair black..April 26 2009 I did it

28. (adding this one 2010) Meet Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger

29. (adding 2010) See a firefly.

30. Meet Tyra Banks

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – This Is My Life

In AP News, Blog, blogging, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, communication, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, feelings, finances, Flowers, Friend, friendship, gardening, gay, gay marriage, God, grief, healing, health, homosexuality, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Life, Love, movies, Myspace, Netflix, New York, news, Oregon, parenting, people, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, relationships, same sex, single, The Little Prince, vehicle, vows, women, Writing on January 14, 2012 at 1:44 am

For some reason I thought it had already been 9 months that had passed, but in reality it’s just passed. That’s a good thing, because that tells me my life has continued in a more positive light. I’ve been writing more about the things the my life is about now, then it was when I was married. Another good indicator that I’ve moved on.. That I’m whole again.

Because of that, I’ve decided that I may continue writing up until the year mark, but I’d like to focus more on my life today and where I’m going now. This blog will no longer be about My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce, but instead my life.

I thought I might wait until that year mark, but honestly I’m ready now. Because I’m living.. now.

As of today, I’d like to introduce you to My Big Fat Lesbian Life.

Hi, I’m Lia.

I’m a woman,

A Mom,

This is my life.