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My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Thank You

In 2011, AP News, attorneys, Blog, Blue Like Jazz, Break-up, C.S. Lewis, cancer, children, Choose Joy, christian, Christmas, civil unions, clothing, coat hangers, Come Here Go Away, communication, cookies, court, Crying, Current events, dating, desert, Divorce, domestic, equality, Facebook, failure, family, fashion, fast car, feelings, finances, Fleetwood Mac, Flowers, Foolish Hearts, Friend, gardening, gay marriage, get a life, God, grief, health, Henry Miller, homosexuality, Jell-O, Kiss, Laughing stars, Law, law enforcement, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, minivan, Musician, Natasha Bedingfield, Netflix, New York, news, NYE, Oregon, Pain, parenting, Pears, people, pictures, Politics, Portland, portland oregon, promises, Questions, Rain, Regret, relationships, religion, same sex, school, September, single, sleep, Steve Perry, Steve Taylor, stress, Uncategorized, vehicle, vows, wedding, women, Writing on January 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

After much thought, I decided this letter belongs as the last entry under My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce heading. It’s really more of a morph (non Power Rangers style, though I’d like to be the Pink Power Ranger if I had to choose).

In saying that, I’m struggling for the words to open a good-bye letter. Saying “good-bye” has never been my strong suit. I’ve led a life of good-byes while I’ve longed for a life of “Hello”.

But you didn’t say good-bye to me or the boys, and in retrospect, neither did we to you. Rather, we’ve lived our good-bye through each day we’ve discovered our laughter and ourselves once again.

So, let me start by saying Thank You.

I didn’t know where this journey of uprooting myself and the children to move up here would lead us. Of course I had hoped it would lead us to a better level of a new chapter in our lives, and it has. Just….without you. At first I felt that was more of an ending, but in reality it’s become a beginning.

I know I cried a lot after moving up here. I had left behind open skies, the sound of crickets at night, and the quiet streets. But despite the reasons we married, I had left it all behind because I made a commitment and I wanted to see where that journey could lead us all as a family. It wasn’t easy but that was the level I believed in my keeping my word. It wasn’t what we agreed on when we decided to marry that day we went to the courthouse, but still….

I thought despite things hadn’t come into my life as I had hoped, that it could somehow grow into what I dreamed of once I moved and in time.

Maybe I didn’t see you as my partner the way I should have when we decided to marry, but I gave it my all to grow into love with you and to be your wife. Eventually I did, but by that time I had also realized that our union was in reality a business arrangement between two people for your job, and would never really be the loving relationship of two hearts discovering each other in the natural progression I had longed for. By that time though, emotions were involved so walking away became a tangled mess. I should have walked away much sooner, but I can’t question or second guess myself anymore, because things turned out exactly as they should.

Since I’ve lived here on my own, I’ve discovered my own heart, my own voice, and my own open skies once again. Perhaps meeting you was exactly what I needed to move me to this new level of my life that’s opened up new and different opportunities for the boys and I.

B is flourishing in his new school, C is mainstreamed without an aide, G is reaching new milestones and D is excelling academically. Who knows if any of that would be the case had we not moved.

I’ve made new friends, explored new opportunities, found that I’m much stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and learned to trust myself once again.

I’ve also found that I know exactly what I’m longing to feel with another person and a liberty to allow myself the freedom to feel it without reserve when it comes. I’ve had opportunities to do just that, but I haven’t settled. Because I’ve heard my voice when I filed for our divorce, and I liked the sound of my own strength.

So Thank You.

I say that without malice, sarcasm or for any other reason than to simply thank you.

You were the train ride here, that held a work shop of lessons that I needed to learn, for whatever reasons I needed. I appreciate that and I’ll always thank you for that.

But now, I need to tell you Good-Bye openly with my words instead of just living it as I have. The boys have said good-bye in their own ways, so I’m not just saying this as your ex wife, but also as your ex family.

We’re good.

I wish you love, happiness and I truly hope you find the peace you’re so desperately seeking. I hope you find healing, hope and joy. I hope many good things for you. I’m pretty sure neither of us had planned for it to end as badly as it did. That’s OK.

Because I’m exactly where God has planned all along.

If you listen to this song, you’ll hear exactly where my heart is in writing this. It starts when Chris Colfer sings, and ends with my

Good-Bye.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – A Little Song, A Little Dance *Updated

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, christian, civil unions, court, Crying, Current events, dating, Divorce, domestic, Edgefield McMenamins, family, gay, God, grief, health, homosexuality, Law, Lesbian, lgbt, Love, Marriage, movies, news, Pain, parenting, Pears, Politics, portland oregon, promises, relationships, religion, single, sleep, wedding, women on May 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I remember, in a romantic gesture, I had compiled all the songs that were a virtual soundtrack to our love onto a CD. Hearing one of those songs now, makes me turn the station. But I miss being able to listen to those songs without them being tainted by memories.

I remember that night I was able to finally get my wife to at least attempt a slow dance with me to one of those songs. She can’t dance. Which is cool, but I sure would have loved it if she would have made more of an effort at times. I’m a mush ball for that stuff.

Since all this crap has taken place, I’m finding some songs just say it best. Instead of a romantic CD, I’m compiling my “Gee this sucks, I’m gonna cry and you’re a . . . ” CD.

My songs:

Barely Breathing – Duncan Sheik . . This song is so perfect, it’s my anthem to this whole mess.

Here’s A Quarter (call someone who cares) – Travis Tritt

Hallelujah – So many covers, but Damien Rice does it for me.

Stronger- Sara Evans

Bee Gees – Jive Talkin’

The Reflex – Duran Duran

You’ll Think Of Me- Keith Urban

I’m sure there’s more to move me, but so far these seem to make me feel less alone knowing someone penned these lyrics. It’s validation the things I feel aren’t so alien.

***. Update

This song is just, too perfect right now.

Hey woman, you got the blues, cos you aint got no one else to use.
There’s an open road that leads nowhere, so just make some miles
Between here and there.
There’s a hole in my head where the rain comes in,
You took my body and played to win,
Ha ha woman it’s a crying shame,
But you aint got nobody else to blame.

[Chorus:]
E-evil woman, e-evil woman, e-evil woman, evil woman

Rolled in from another town,
Hit some gold too hot to settle down,
But a fool and his money soon go separate ways,
And you found a fool lyin in a daze,
Ha ha woman what you gonna do,
You destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you,
It’s so good that you’re feeling pain,
But you better get your face on board the very next train.

[Chorus: Repeat]

Evil woman how you done me wrong,
But now you’re tryin to wail a different song,
Ha ha funny how you broke me up, you made the wine now you
Drink the cup,
I came runnin every time you cried,
Thought I saw love smilin in your eyes,
Ha ha very nice to know, that you aint got no place left to go.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce – Lawyers, Netflix and Faking it. . Oh Shit.

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, netfix, Netflix, news, parenting, Pears, portland oregon, promises, school, single, vows, women on April 9, 2011 at 6:28 am

It’s a little past 11pm as I start this. She’s been off work since 10pm. If she were here right now, we’d be sitting together browsing the movies on Netflix. I might be holding her hand, trying to cuddle into her or stealing glances at her longing for the looks she used to give me when she wanted me.

Saturday morning would find us sleeping in, well her sleeping in. I’d be faking it, just to have an excuse to be close to her. I can’t count the mornings I laid in bed just so I could be near her.

But, here I am. Laying on the couch, because I find it hard to climb into the empty bed. In fact, tonight my youngest
Little guy said to me over dinner “I don’t want you to have to sleep alone again.” . . . A very sad thing for a 7 year old to tell his Mom. It’s so obvious they want to see me happy, and it’s touching to be loved that much. But I also know he wishes it was with her.

This whole mess is starting to wear on the boys. In fact, my youngest little guy got into trouble for the very first time today. The referral states he was being difficult and disrespectful. For him to act out like that at school, means he is really having a tough time. He’s never had a day of trouble in school.

I convinced him we all have gotten into trouble one time or another, in school. That seemed to make him feel not so alone, but I know the deeper cause is not so easy to fix. At least the way he would want me to.

And there’s my second oldest at home, 10.. He asked me today if I could spend time with her, so she would remember to love and care. Totally sent me over the edge in tears. He’s angry that she has chosen the actions she has, but he loves her so much. I told him it was OK to still love her, because I do too.

So, I wrote her and asked who her attorney is. She didn’t answer me. But she did answer my attorney. Already they’re in the talks of proposal, and it seems this might be legally uncomplicated. Of course, we won’t have their answer to our drafted proposal until next week, but I get the feeling she just wants to do anything to rid of me.

I still can’t believe we were getting along on Monday, at least we weren’t fighting. In fact, she was sitting right here on this very couch next to me, and kissed me. And now here we are on Friday, and attorneys are discussing the dissolution of our marriage.

What the &#%*^?

It’s all happening quicker than I can process it.

I have to admit, today I wondered if after the divorce if she would be willing to try dating again. . ya know, me. Maybe without all the stressors of money, chores and a crazy household that maybe. . . just maybe. . . she and I could take the time to build the foundation we need. Of course, I don’t really think she would. I’m convinced she doesn’t miss me in the slightest. In fact, I often vision she’s out with her friends and I’m not crossing her mind at all.. . .

I try really hard not to imagine, but sometimes I think she’s probably out with some fascinating woman who is perfect in every way.

I try not to think about that too much, because it really, really hurts mass amounts.

Anyways, it’s almost midnight now. She’s probably talking about her workday and being busy forgetting me while doing all the things she’s convinced I kept her from.

I’m just gonna surf Netflix.

My Big Fat Lesbian Divorce

In attorneys, Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream Comfort, Break-up, children, civil unions, court, Crying, dating, Divorce, domestic, family, gay, gay marriage, grief, homosexuality, kisses, Lesbian, Lesbian Relationships, lgbt, Love, Marriage, news, parenting, Pears, portland oregon, promises, school, single, vows, women on April 7, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Usually when I write something, I’ll keep it for a few days and edit. But since I’m at the mercy of my iPhone (computer is currently suffering from “blue screen of death”) I’ve decided to just put this out there and get the emotion out while it hits me. Perhaps I should edit, otherwise you might get a full posting on how I literally broke down in tears at the grocery store yesterday, because I saw pears. She likes pears. It made her happy when I bought pears, and I could probably create a blog around her pear induced joy. I’m not sure, I probably will.

I’m not sure of a lot of things right now.

Yesterday, I met with an attorney. The day before I filed a restraining order against my partner. The night before that, we got in a stupid argument that provoked her to say she was going to kill me. Dramatic for a stupid argument over laundry? Yes. But not so unexpected. Things have been escalating as I’ve been trying to save a marriage with someone who just didn’t want me.

Tears well up just writing out, admitting that she didn’t want me. It breaks my heart all over again.

So in the last few days I’ve had to make some tough choices regarding someone I love very much. While trying to process the grief. Hell, I can’t even process it. . . I’m just crying in waves of pain and unable to sleep, eat, or even grasp the reality my marriage is over.

I also smell her pillow a lot. I can still smell her shampoo, and it gives me comfort while making me endure a rush of pain all over again.

Perhaps I should quit smelling the pillow.

Anyways. . . I’m hoping as I go through this, to write through my journey to healing. At least I hope there’s healing ahead. Because right now I feel alone, sad and that this constant aching just won’t go away.

While there were so many defunct factors in our relationship, the fact remains I wanted nothing more than to fix it. Fix us.

And despite the escalation, the hurt and the pain I know if she came home right now, I’d still want to fix it. I don’t know if that makes pathetic, or just a woman so in love overcome with grief right now, that all logic is void.

Which leads me to my screen name: lesbian spaghetti. Everything is just all twisted up, and a huge tangled mess. Which sometimes is good with garlic bread, but almost always leaks through paper plates (random observations)

I miss her.

I miss her more than I could have imagined.